Horoscope | Issue 1

Horoscope | Issue 1


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved.

This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less single.

This week’s 2am feast: Your flatmates frozen fish fingers.



Mar 21- Apr 19

Take a break from partying and have a shower.

This week’s 2am feast: More Billy Mavs.



Apr 20 - May 20

The weather is getting cooler and your eczema is flaring up again. Time to invest in some fatty cream.

This week’s 2am feast: Nutella out of the jar.



May 21 - Jun 20

Your multiple personalities are put to the test this week as you make friends and simultaneously stab them in the back.

This week’s 2am feast: Arse.



Jun 21 - Jul 22

Drop out. It’s time to settle down and start a family.

This week’s 2am feast: Sal’s Sausage Pizza Pie.



Jul 23 - Aug 22

Don’t talk this week. Shhh. Much better.

This week’s 2am feast: Cold fries.



Aug 23 - Sept 22

You’re gonna match with a hottie on Tinder and set up a steamy sex sesh, but bail the last minute like the flaky hoe you are.

This week’s 2am feast: Big Mac large combo with L&P no ice and a 20 pack of nuggets on the side.



Sept 23 - Oct 22

Don’t fall in love with strangers this week. Fall in love with studying. God knows you need to.

This week’s 2am feast: Regret.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Dance in front of your mirror. Play Party Rock Anthem and let loose. You deserve it.

This week’s 2am feast: Mi Goreng with extra spicy sauce.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your zodiac sign is not an excuse to be a bitch.

This week’s 2am feast: Grated cheese.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

You will gain another crush this week. It’s me. I love you.

This week’s 2am feast:  Leftover Maharaja’s mild butter chicken.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2020.
Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic.