The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to a person you quite like. It was a drunken hookup, but could it be something more? Then the breakfast suddenly means everything. You want to simultaneously impress and play it cool. My friends, what could be sexier than a quivering poached egg drenched in a golden, buttery sauce? Eggs Benedict is the oral sex of breakfast foods: wet, slippery and you need to stop paying $20 for it out on the streets and instead start giving it to your friends.
Serves: 2 tentative lovers
Ingredients
One egg yolk
Teaspoon of mustard
50g butter (plus however much butter you want on the toast)
Lemon juice
Ice cube (for emergencies)
Toasted ciabatta bread
Salt and pepper
THE SAUCE:
Get a little pot with some hot water in it. Put a bowl over top, this is like some fancy French shit I think, but in real life it’s as easy as your mum. Whisk together one egg yolk and a teaspoon of mustard. Over the simmering water, gradually pour in 50g of melted butter, constantly stirring. Don’t overheat! If the sauce gets too cooked, it’ll over-thicken (you can always save it by throwing in an ice cube, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that). In a couple of minutes the sauce will start forming a beautiful, buttery yellow. Squeeze in a splash of lemon juice and salt to taste.
THE TOAST:
Eggs Benedict traditionally calls for an English muffin, but everyone knows that’s unsexy and uncool. You can use normal toast, but you probably won’t get a second date. Hate to say it, but toasted ciabatta might be the only way to go.
THE EGGS:
The most stressful discourse in the cooking world is how to poach a perfect egg. Do you put vinegar in the water? Do you get a spoon in there and vortex the fuck out of it? The answer is simpler than you think. Get a small pan. Yes pan, not pot. In your small pan, fill it up with water, about a centimeter or two deep. It’ll be pretty shallow, but crack an egg into it and around half way through the cooking process, ladle some water over the yolk as if you’re basting it. Voila! Easy, low maintenance poached eggs.
THE A-TEAM:
Here’s where everything comes together. Even writing it, I realise it’s fairly self-explanatory. First, the toast. Don’t bother buttering it, I’m sure by now you’ve realised that the sauce is literally made out of butter. Put the lil eggs on top, then drizzle the sauce over. As always, season with black pepper. You know the drill.