Horoscope | Issue 6

Horoscope | Issue 6


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Mending unstable friendships is a great idea this week. Stop blowing your friends off for a basic breatha with chlamydia and send them a message about how awesome they are.

Your cereal choice this week: Porridge but pretend it’s cereal.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your motivation and determination are two of the many reasons why you are a good sign to be friends with. Your friend also asked me to tell you through this horoscope to do their 5% assignment due tonight please.

Your cereal choice this week: Light and Right!



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Spend some time reflecting on yourself this week. Moisturise, get a massage from your flatmate in exchange for your silence, take the time to wonder: Why can’t you settle down? Why do you fear commitment? And bugs, too?

Your cereal choice this week: Coco Pops Chex.


Apr 20 - May 20

Watching back to back episodes of Modern Family on Netflix will bring you comfort this week at the time you need it most. Exams loom and only Alex the genius can help you get through. Have a hot choc too, just for fun.

Your cereal choice this week: Milo Cereal.



May 21 - Jun 20

Start a Twitch channel and stream yourself playing yourself. That’s all I have to say.

Your cereal choice this week: Panadol in a bowl of milk.



Jun 21 - Jul 22

Time to address your destructive money behaviours and relationship failures. Sell the PS2 that you bought on a whim. Realise you were the reason for your breakups. Delete your ex’s number. Block Kmart from your browsers. It’s for the best.

Your cereal choice this week: 15 weetbix and regret.



Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your lack of intimacy has reached its peak and you may find yourself watching Tik Tok relationship videos to fill the void in your chilly little heart. Don’t do it. Delete the app. No sad times, thanks.

Your cereal choice this week: Rice bubbles in the shape of a broken heart.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Take the time to ask yourself, what does success mean to you? Is it when you find leftovers from your drunken night out? Is it when your lecturer passes your sub-par paper? Spoiler alert: it’s when you listen to your heart.

Your cereal choice this week: Uncle Toby’s Oats.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Positivity will envelop you this week and luck will come your way. Look at the clouds. Is it a dog shape? If it is, you will either win the Lotto or lock yourself out of your flat overnight.

Your cereal choice this week: A bowl of Up and Go.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Some may say falling asleep in lectures is your worst habit, but it is what helps you learn. The information flows into your brain through your ears subconsciously, trust me. Your exams don’t know what’s about to hit ‘em.

Your cereal choice this week: Cheerios.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

You’ll gain some freedom this week, perhaps relationship wise, family wise, or work wise. Either way, you’ll waste this freedom by sleeping in and watching Facebook watch videos for hours on end.

Your cereal choice this week: Homebrand Coco Pops.



Dec 22- Jan 19

Have a sexy drink, turn the lights down low, and put on your favourite movie. Now’s the time to romance yourself. We stan self love. Unless your favourite movie is Mars Attacks. No offence, that shit scary.

Your cereal choice this week: Cornflakes, no sugar.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2020.
Posted 4:14pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic.