Horoscopes | Issue 22

Horoscopes | Issue 22


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Don’t forget to wash your bits.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s getting on and you might need to take matters into your own hands. Compile a folder of all the people in your classes and start narrowing them down. Eventually you’ll have a shortlist you can start targeting systematically.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4zb6jh



Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week you metaphorically spilled thick pumpkin soup all over your chest.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.deviantart.com/twitchy-eyebrows/art/Sexy-Minion-759184386



Apr 20 - May 20

Your new look this Spring is just a crop top and nothing else, Winnie the Pooh style.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/09/whats-the-difference-between-a-colostomy-and-an-ileostomy-7818024/



May 21 - Jun 20

If you keep layering them up, you can put a normal size condom over top and preserve your masculinity.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Be0tpYbAw



Jun 21 - July 22

Get one of those knee-jerk hammers and start practising to raise your autonomic response time. The doctor is going to be so impressed.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://giphy.com/gifs/food-foodporn-porn-ew969xjI4HeWk



July 23 - Aug 22

“OOooH I’m LeO, I’M COmfOrTaBle In My OwN SkiN.”

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.facebook.com/trashandculture/photos/a.334401793426317/1103466583186497/?type=3&theater



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Invest in stocks.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.critic.co.nz/features/article/21/how-to-fuck-a-moose



Sep 23 - Oct 22

You will make love to one of your flatmates this week. It will be sensual, sticky and subtropical. Make sure not to do all of your dishes; it’ll be a good conversation starter after they fuck you in the ass.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://drawception.com/game/n23qHwXYpW/trouble-muffin-looks-at-sexy-grapes/



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You’ll fail a paper but your department never uploads the mark to Evision. You live in blissful ignorance for the rest of yonder.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.trademe.co.nz/pottery-glass/porcelain-pottery/other/other/listing-2301691296.htm



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Macaroni necklaces are cute. Too bad you’re a cunt.

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.deviantart.com/dragon-lover-333/favourites/62236237/Sexy-planes



Dec 22 - Jan 19

What if… we… did our astrology charts… together... haha just kidding ….. unless?

This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.flickriver.com/photos/77107352@N04/10105985125/

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2019.
Posted 10:57pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic.