Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don’t forget to wash your bits.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s getting on and you might need to take matters into your own hands. Compile a folder of all the people in your classes and start narrowing them down. Eventually you’ll have a shortlist you can start targeting systematically.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4zb6jh
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week you metaphorically spilled thick pumpkin soup all over your chest.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.deviantart.com/twitchy-eyebrows/art/Sexy-Minion-759184386
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your new look this Spring is just a crop top and nothing else, Winnie the Pooh style.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/09/whats-the-difference-between-a-colostomy-and-an-ileostomy-7818024/
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20
If you keep layering them up, you can put a normal size condom over top and preserve your masculinity.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Be0tpYbAw
Cancer
Jun 21 - July 22
Get one of those knee-jerk hammers and start practising to raise your autonomic response time. The doctor is going to be so impressed.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://giphy.com/gifs/food-foodporn-porn-ew969xjI4HeWk
Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
“OOooH I’m LeO, I’M COmfOrTaBle In My OwN SkiN.”
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.facebook.com/trashandculture/photos/a.334401793426317/1103466583186497/?type=3&theater
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Invest in stocks.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.critic.co.nz/features/article/21/how-to-fuck-a-moose
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22
You will make love to one of your flatmates this week. It will be sensual, sticky and subtropical. Make sure not to do all of your dishes; it’ll be a good conversation starter after they fuck you in the ass.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://drawception.com/game/n23qHwXYpW/trouble-muffin-looks-at-sexy-grapes/
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21
You’ll fail a paper but your department never uploads the mark to Evision. You live in blissful ignorance for the rest of yonder.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.trademe.co.nz/pottery-glass/porcelain-pottery/other/other/listing-2301691296.htm
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Macaroni necklaces are cute. Too bad you’re a cunt.
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.deviantart.com/dragon-lover-333/favourites/62236237/Sexy-planes
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
What if… we… did our astrology charts… together... haha just kidding ….. unless?
This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.flickriver.com/photos/77107352@N04/10105985125/