Critic Booze Reviews | Coruba and Cola

Critic Booze Reviews | Coruba and Cola

Coruba & Cola is far too sweet. The word “cola” should tip you off - no one uses that word unless forced – and the result is a sugary jizz concoction that would leave Barry B. Benson ashamed and with a sticky lower stomach. Quick, someone grab the tissues before mum gets home. The truth is that if you’re after a mixed rum beverage, then simply buy a Diet Coke from your local supermarket and be the bartender of your own destiny. RTDs are more convenient, but the purchase shouldn’t come at the cost of flavour. Coruba & Cola is supposedly designed to “give a warm taste of the tropics”. If by “the tropics” they mean an abandoned parking lot in South Auckland where you and your high school friends pass around a coconut-flavoured vape before taking sips of this cola clusterfuck, then maybe finally we have some truthful advertising.

The other troublesome worry about Coruba & Cola is the low percentage. 5% is a spit in the face to every hard working New Zealander that dares to party like there’s no tomorrow. Hell, even Billy Mavs and Park Lanes are a respectable 7%. Sure, Canadian Club is a pitiful 4.8% but is anyone really surprised? That’s Canadians for you.

It’s times like these I wish unions were commonplace again. If even high school teachers can get a pay rise, the common student should be able to get an alcohol percentage increase. As Martin Luther King said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”. If Coruba wants to pour its sick, sticky son of a whore drink down my throat, then at least make it worth my while.

Overall, Coruba needs to learn how to be cool. Come back when you’ve learnt how to create a balanced drink that also fulfils my raging alcoholism. I did some digging and it turns out Coruba is owned by the same company that produces Aperol Spritz. Coruba, can’t you be more like your sister Aperol? She’s fun, flirty, and tropical to boot. Go to a party, see what she does. That little thing she does with her tongue, well, it’s magic.


Taste Rating: 5%/100

Froth Level: Pepsi

Pairs well with: Dry humping, premature ejaculation, Kleenex.

Tasting notes: Fake tan.

This article first appeared in Issue 24, 2019.
Posted 10:35am Friday 20th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.