Jan 20 - Feb 18
Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day.
What you smell like this week: Desperation.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
It’s your last chance to be the centre of attention. Make a scene this week, then have a meltdown. I think everyone is relieved that the Water season is almost over.
What you smell like this week: Marmite toast.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Go crazy, go stupid. Lure a partner into your room this weekend. Take some MD. Have a kiss. Devour their liver.
What you smell like this week: The sweaty kid from your year 4 primary school P.E. class.
Apr 20 - May 20
I love you, but Winter is approaching and your feet are looking crusty. Get a pedicure and send feet pics for proof.
What you smell like this week: Cocoa butter.
May 21 - Jun 20
Stop farting in lectures, you damn clown!!!! Enough!!!!
What you smell like this week: Poo poo.
Jun 21 - Jul 22
You got big dick energy this week. You’re looking good. You single? Haha nah…. unless?
What you smell like this week: Lynx Africa™.
Jul 23 - Aug 22
You’re the lion but someone’s bouta tear that ass up this week, you lucky bastard.
What you smell like this week: Dried cum and week-long sex bender.
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Why is everyone in this world a Virgo? Anyway… idk… brush your teeth or something. Who cares.
What you smell like this week: Egg sandwich.
Sep 23 - Oct 22
Incorporate some fruit and veggies into your diet before I call the police. Scurvy is coming for you.
What you smell like this week: Chimken Nuggat from Mac Dondalds.
Oct 23 - Nov 21
No more being wingman. Find you a biddie. Maybe that will make you less grumpy.
What you smell like this week: Hello Kitty Bubble Gum Body Spray.
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Re-enacting the Mamma Mia movies won’t solve your intergenerational trauma. Try studying instead, just in case that works.
What you smell like this week: Meryl Streep.
Dec 22- Jan 19
Ok seriously, why haven’t you called me yet? Stop ghosting me, Capricorn. I would die for you. Gimme a kiss.
What you smell like this week: My bed.