Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.



Breathe In

Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no time to drink, I quickly put on my kit and generously seasoned both nostrils. Dart in hand, jaws swinging and pupils the size of dinner plates, I took a steady stride down to Mamacita’s Taquiera in antipcipation of what was to come. Not gonna lie, I went into this with pretty low expectations, not knowing anything about what my date would be like and pretty certain I would butcher this. I went inside, ordered a drink, and was shown over to my date by the friendly staff.

Safe to say, I was not disappointed by what followed. Within a few minutes, my date and I had discovered some really buzzy shared circumstances. Turns out we had both been through a breakup exactly two weeks ago, and signed up for the blind date hoping Critic could pull some strings and shoot some arrows. We went out for a quick dart then headed back inside for drinks and a feed. This night actually turned out better than I was expecting? Bonding over our shared circumstances, we had some good yarns to share.

We got into a cab, and after I had asked the driver the standard “you been busy tonight?”, headed back to mine to crack open a bag of stashed goon. After a few drinks she went off to her mate’s red card and I passed out in my bed. All around good night with a dope as fuck girl, thanks Critic and Mamacita’s for providing.


Breathe Out

After finding out my ex had cheated on me in the most fucked up way possible, I decided to email Critic and pimp myself out for a blind date. After explaining the situation, Critic was like “say no more fam we got you” and set me up for a date the very next week.

The closer the date got the more nervous I became. I haven’t dated in a very long time and felt extremely out of practice. Part of me was hoping it would go well, the other part hoped he was a serial killer (can’t sit exams if I’m dead). Basically I went in with extremely low expectations. You can’t be disappointed that way. So after a few shots I headed off to get me some good Mexican food and meet my date.

God damn I was not disappointed. This dude was dope asf. Little did he know my three flatmates sat directly behind us watching the whole thing, pride brimming in their eyes. We did the introduction and skipped into the awkward “fuck do I act collected or show my true unstable self?”

I thought he was nervous, his pupils were huge and he kept jittering his legs. But then he confessed he had a cheeky line before coming. I breathed a sigh of relief, this was going to go well. We launched into a deep discussion about drugs, drinking and general self-destructive behaviour. Can you imagine how boring this would have been if I had to go on a date with someone normal and stable? Ew no thank you. Turns out we had both also gone through a recent breakup so we bonded over our shared trauma.

After I demolished all our food we went back to his for a cheeky ciggy and a God awful goon. Perfect way to end the date tbh. 10/10 thanks Critic.

This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2019.
Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic.