Horoscopes | Issue 26

Horoscopes | Issue 26


Jan 20 - Feb 18

This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail woman’.                               

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The old rat tail of a friend you had in primary school.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

A quick study sesh at Starters before you head to Caro is sure to sort you for your three 70% exams.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The first condom you ever used. Will bring you extra luck if you didn’t manage to use it to completion.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s snake hunting season, baby! Everyone’s assembling their teams now. What are you going to bring to the table?

This Week’s Lucky Charm: A locket containing a printed out screenshot of Jason Bourne from The Bourne Ultimatum.



Apr 20 - May 20

Insist on taking a group photo with some tourists and then start crying while the picture is being taken. Tell them you just really need someone to talk to and ask if you can hang out for a while. Epic prank!

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The Speight’s bottlecap with a quiz question on the underside that you were actually able to answer.



May 21 - Jun 20

This month is a good time for you to be paranoid about whether your flatmates/colleagues/lab partners are conspiring against you. It is key that you take an indirect approach by acting vaguely mistrusting towards them.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: A stevia sachet you found in a drain.



Jun 21 - July 22

I’m sorry, Cancer. You have only 24,255 days left to live. You should inform your family.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: A dead car battery in your backpack.



July 23 - Aug 22

This week your skin condition will flare up.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: A dead buttery cat in your backpack.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Shopping spree! Next payday spend all your income on bath bombs.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The hospital bracelet you got from A & E when you got worried after swallowing a little Lego man.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

As Mercury moves into retrograde at the end of October, you’re going to experience network/emotional connection issues.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: Full size wind chime earrings.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

The sun enters your sign on the 23rd and you’re finally going to be trusted with the family secret.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: A soy sauce fish in each pocket.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

You have far surpassed the age when it becomes weird to have a growing collection of baby teeth.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The little Lego man that you had surgically removed from your colon.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Great news, Capricorn. You don’t have to keep trying to be cool, you are already perfect to me.

This Week’s Lucky Charm: The money-bag Monopoly token.

This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2019.
Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic.