Critic Blind Date | Kate and Leo

Critic Blind Date | Kate and Leo

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.





Dunedin is terribly small. At first, I was worried that I’d turn up and there’d be one of the local incels.  I was prepared to do a runner but thankfully that wasn’t the case. I also worried it would be some dull person that I’d have to trudge my socially inept self through small talk with - thankfully, again that wasn’t the case.  One of my passions is definitely hearing and trying to see into other people’s worlds; listening to their stories and world views feels like a form of travel in itself. There were a lot of potential character threats, but he turned out to be someone I knew through mutual friends and always seemed interesting, so was a good opportunity to meet and talk.  It would be funny to make up a strange sex story, but we both had enough personality I don’t feel the need to compensate, however feel free to be imaginative, this soul sista doesn’t need to kiss and tell. After a confusing navigation of the menu, we ordered a drink and food, spoke about identity, the flaws of both self and other, world views, music, politics, while we ate and then left to Zanzibar. Enjoy a terrible date purely for the yarn and the joys of saying CYA, but overall was ideal and would hang out again. 



With a mind like a sieve and an appetite raging

Forgetting completely the evening’s engagement,

Sat stuck in the lab as I scroll through my phone

I decide that I’ll order a meal to go.

It’s only upon the submission of payment

I recall the detail of my sultry arrangement.

So in lieu of the typical ten standard drinks

An immense loaded fries into my stomach sinks.

I’m shoveling them in, so revoltingly messily,

Laptop slung on my shoulder, erotic accessory.

With a shortage of time and of space in my belly

I maraud to the Octy with legs made of jelly

Despite the diversion, arrive in good time

So I enter a bar and I knock back a wine

Then with alcohol quaffed and now bearing a grin

It was time for the Critic™ Blind Date to begin.

We launch off with the regular disjointed chat

About studies and small talk of this and of that,

But the chat gains momentum and quickly enlivens

Our worldviews are enmeshed and from then on we’re vibin’

We can hardly stop talking to scoff down a taco

And she makes slow work of her big bowl of nachos

As we share all our loves and our hopes and our fears

And perceptions of past selves with wisdom of years

She’s smart and perceptive and bursting with fun

We decide that our evening has barely begun

So onwards we trot to consume further booze

And continue impassioned exchanging of views

Our wholesome chats flow on with barely a blemish

Except brief interruption from high as fuck chemists

We wrap up our convo and chug our last jug,

And the evening ends with not a fuck but a hug.

This article first appeared in Issue 24, 2019.
Posted 10:33am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic.