Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark

Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark

I’m not sure if making a non-sweet RTD is an incredible idea, doomed to fail or both. Great White Sharks tastes like liquidised celery, which is not something I ever particularly wanted to try, but then again I’ve sucked your dad’s dick. Guess which one is more sticky when it pours its contents on the floor. If you’re concerned about your sugar intake, this might be the drink for you. Also apparently it’s the drink of choice of every whiny art hoe boy that dares to put their Doc Marten-ed footed toe in the waters of a Facebook comment section.

I hate to be “that woke bitch” but I’m also not convinced Part Time Rangers actually do much for the environment. Hear me out - they’re meant to donate 10% of profits right? But they’re a small company, with a loan from BNZ for $50,000 to start up, and the word ‘profit’ can mean whatever the fuck they want it to mean. I’ve been scouring the Internet for any mention of actual money they’ve given to these causes and I can’t find a figure. Plus, in the instance of Great White Sharks, they’re giving the money to a scientist who pretty much just films sharks for documentaries. The tag line ‘literally save the life of a shark, one beverage at a time’ is a fucking cop out. The scientist guy has saved ONE SHARK. BY ACCIDENT. I’m not saying they’re a bad company by any means, but for fucks sake stop having a superiority complex. You’re not Jane Goodall, calm down.

Overall Great White Sharks are good, but they’re by no means life changing. It’s a meh drink that’s been fortunate to have its toes sucked by the sad saps of the New Zealand media. Good publicity can only get you so far, but it won’t get you far with this reviewer. Drink it if you want, but you’re still a shit cunt no matter what. No amount of shark documentaries can change your personality, trust me, I’ve tried. Still. A. Shit. Cunt.


Taste Rating: 5/10

Froth Level: Dolphins

Pairs well with: A shitty attitude, bleached highlights

Tasting notes: Hamilton tap water

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2019.
Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.