Booze Reviews | Free-B's

Booze Reviews | Free-B's

Victorian Bitters, a classic Australian beer. Sitting at around $13 for a 6 pack, you definitely get your money’s worth. However, are VB’s actually a pleasurable beer to drink? Yes and no. If you are a 20-year-old skater or middle aged Australian man, then you’d probably say that this is the nectar of the Gods. For everyone else, you might agree that it tastes like 3-day old piss. Yet there is nothing quite like the taste of a VB that you know you didn’t pay for.

At a specific unnamed supermarket (let’s call it ‘schmountdown’), there’s an error in the self-scan system that lets you get VB’s for free. Speaking completely hypothetically of course, you could go and get a glass six pack of VB’s, and scan the barcode on the bottle rather on the plastic wrap. This then, hypothetically, makes the VB’s come up as $0.00, and the self-scans will read the weight of them so long as they’re in the bagging area. However, the self-scan workers still need to check your ID after you scan the wrong barcode, hypothetically of course. But you can overcome this by scanning some different alcohol beforehand (say for instance, a $4 Kingfisher) so they check your ID for that and not the VB’s. Hypothetically, If the workers notice, you can just plead ignorance that you must’ve accidentally scanned the wrong barcode, before you quickly grab your receipt so they don’t notice any further. Hypothetically, of course. 

Free-B’s are better than any kind of beer because it doesn’t matter how shit they taste, because you didn’t have to pay for them. A free drink is better than no drink at all. You can feel capitalism crumble underneath you with every sip, and the blue from your colour fade away through committing minor theft. But I wouldn’t know of course, since this is all hypothetical. I definitely wouldn’t suggest you do this. Especially since this will soon be public information.

Taste Rating: $0.00/10

Pairs well with: Eating the rich.

Tasting Notes: The destruction of oppressive systemic regimes of power.

Froth Level: A first year after reading The Communist Manifesto for the first time.

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2020.
Posted 9:56pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Anon.