Horoscopes | Issue 25

Horoscopes | Issue 25


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from getting the help you need.

This week’s takeaway order: The Guilty Pleasure for One: 1 scoop of chips, 4 seafood sticks (~$10.80)



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your physical shell is working hard to balance the ebb and flow of ions and electrolytes to keep you thriving. I know things have gotten weird since you found out that cashews are produced inhumanely. Good thing you have compassion fatigue.

This week’s takeaway order: The ‘I’m not like other customers’: 1 chicken cashew nut dish (~$13.00)



Mar 21 - Apr 19

E-scooters are fucking lame, everyone hates bikers and you can’t pull off skateboarding. Pogo sticks are back in, baby!

This week’s takeaway order: The Classic ‘drive to a scenic place, eat chips, then have uncomfortable, oily sex’ Date Combo: 2 scoops of chips, 2 fish, a small can of T-sauce (~$9.00)



Apr 20 - May 20

Help the oldest person you know to write a bucket list. Hint at experiences that you would also enjoy. Intergenerational bonding is so important. This free holiday hack is brought to you by Eternal Vacation Cruise Line - Cruises for the terminally ill.

This week’s takeaway order: The Taurus Torus Tetrad: 1 pineapple ring, 1 onion ring, 1 squid ring, 1 plain donut (~$9.80)



May 21 - Jun 20

If you haven’t chosen a flat yet for next year, find the dampest, most expensive and least insulated place you can. It’s character building; and boy, could you use some character.

This week’s takeaway order: The Spendthrift: 2 bags of kumara chips, 6 mussel fritters, 1 lasagne topper (~$19.30)



Jun 21 - July 22

You are the favourite child and it causes you great underlying guilt. All you wish for is to go back in time and be a bit more shit. Well, it’s not too late. Start being an absolute dick to your parent(s) now.

This week’s takeaway order: The Naughty One: 1 hotdog, 1 pineapple ring, extra mayonnaise (~$5.50)



July 23 - Aug 22

Forget about the health star rating. Look for the muesli with the most ‘goodness’.

This week’s takeaway order: The Extended Family: 7 scoops of chips, 3 sole fillets, 2 hot dogs, 2 spring rolls, 2 jam donuts, 1 mushroom burger, 1 Hawaiian burger, 2 pineapple rings, 1 squid ring, 2 onion rings (~$85)



Aug 23 - Sep 22

One day you will walk right past a small group of teenagers and not even feel scared.

This week’s takeaway order: The Deluxe: 1 chicken bacon deluxe burger with extra cheese, extra egg, extra bacon, extra meat patty (~$18)



Sep 23 - Oct 22

The new moon cycle has just begun, and you weren’t prepared. You missed your chance and now you’re not going to peak for another three years. I can’t believe it, you were so close to blossoming into your most beautiful form. 

This week’s takeaway order: The Spare Change: 1 wonton (~$1.10)



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Never break the seal. I broke the seal when I was a child and now I have to pee all the time.

This week’s takeaway order: The Child’s Scoop: 1 scoop of chips, 1 hot dog, 2 onion rings (~$5.50)



Nov 22 - Dec 21

The media is spreading lies about you.

This week’s takeaway order: The Opulent: 1 scoop of chips, 1 blue cod, 1 chocolate donut (~$9.80)



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Pretending to be allergic to latex is all fun and games until you develop a love for making balloon animals and you start working at fairs and the person you accidentally got pregnant all those years ago brings her child to your stall to get a balloon giraffe.

This week’s takeaway order: The Minimalist: 1 scoop of chips (~$2)

This article first appeared in Issue 25, 2019.
Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic.