Horoscopes | Issue 23

Horoscopes | Issue 23


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Jupiter position in relation to Mercury means if they have a Hilux, run.

This week’s repressed memory: James Charles’ leaked nudes.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Have pre-marital sex this week and you are going straight to hell, except if you wear a funny hat, socks on your feet and cross two fingers on your left hand while fucking; then it doesn’t count. The cosmos said.

This week’s repressed memory: The entirety of your first O-Week, KYS.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Remember cosmic warrior, strength and growth begins with self-awareness. So I’m gonna just come out and say it: every Aries I’ve ever met was fucking annoying. Whatever.

This week’s repressed memory: The first time you tried to suck your own dick.



Apr 20 - May 20

Wear your most adventurous outfit to uni on Thursday and finesse on the haters. Unless it involves Fila dinostompers. Then you have to burn those, sorry.

This week’s repressed memory: The one of you and your ex that snapchat just brought up from two years ago on memories, hahaha fuck...



May 21 - Jun 20

The planets have shifted for you, Gemini, they are commanding you to grow… some fucking balls. Also if you aren’t vaccinated you should be. Uhhh… the Universe said.

This week’s repressed memory: John Key’s threeway handshake at the 2011 RWC.



Jun 21 - July 22

As one of the most powerful water signs, the cosmos implores you to pop your phattest manu yet at Moana Pool this Friday night.

This week’s repressed memory: My dad’s face when I told him I’d failed first-year Law and decided to enrol in a BA.



July 23 - Aug 22

Venus is rising in your fertility zone. This week it’s not too forward to go to the Baby Factory with your fuck-buddy and pick out the cutest outfit for your future offspring.

This week’s repressed memory: Jerry Collins pissing himself on the side of the field before the Tri-Nations 2006 match.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

This week is for reminiscing, Virgo. Text the first person who ever saw your bits “isn’t it funny that you were the first person who ever saw my bits,” sit back and wait for them to leave you on “seen”.

This week’s repressed memory: Salad fingers



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Sometimes you catch the woah, sometimes the woah catches you <3. This week you can do neither, you massive fucking failure.

This week’s repressed memory: Erin Simpson and Sam the weatherman’s undeniable and horny sexual tension on Sticky TV afterschool.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

It’s absolutely fucking essential that before you root anyone this week you ascertain 3 things. (1) Their high school sport of choice, (2) their favourite Tarantino film and (3) whether any of their flatmates are better looking than them.

This week’s repressed memory: That weird phase you had where you genuinely thought Post Malone was sexy.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

You are sitting on a big secret this week, Sagie baby, the Universe feels for you. You would agree honesty is the best policy but you know that deep down you fucking hate politics.

This week’s repressed memory: Kids that tongued the water fountain at school before you went to use it.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

You are going to have lots of technical problems this week, Capricorn. Google Chrome will spontaneously shut down, your phone battery will shrink rapidly, and your dick won’t stay hard either.

This week’s repressed memory: Your first beer.

This article first appeared in Issue 23, 2019.
Posted 12:36am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic.