UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz



Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from someone we did not particularly like. These undies would be a sisterhood traveling pants kinda vibe and we would wear them when going out with later plans. I was talking to this guy on tinder and organized to meet up. I was visiting so I had nowhere to go so I was expecting to go back to his little do I know he lived with his parents and may I add he is 29 (ten years my senior) so this was not an option for the crazy hot sex he promised. We ended up pulling over to fuck in his mum's car which was a Suzuki Swift (so not much room for activities) and as things escalated my whole upper body got stuck in between the driver and passenger seat I stayed stuck upside down while trying to convince myself that this would get better. When I could not do it any longer I suggested we go elsewhere. Off we went on foot to find a place where I could receive what I had been promised. Next minute we are on a trampoline in the back of some random’s section gaining deeper trampoline burns at each thrust. When I woke up the next morning feeling satisfied but sore I then remembered I had left the sisterhood traveling pant undies in his mum's car. I do hope she did not find them and think her husband was having an affair.



I was seeing this guy kind of casually and I had massive feelings for him. But I also just wanted to rip his clothes off whenever I had the chance - I’m a bit of a nymphomaniac and he caught onto this very quickly into our relationship. It was May 25th, I’d just finished my shift at 9pm, and he asks me to meet him in town. I rush home, shower, shave everything, skull a bottle of wine and get going. We meet each other halfway, drunk out of our minds, and before anything is said I ram my tongue down his throat. His hands reach down to get a handful of my ass and it’s all over too quickly when we hear a bunch of rowdy students walking up behind us. We continue walking towards town and, after I’ve spent the entire walk feeling him up and telling him all the sinful things I want to do to him, he walks us into a carpark. There’s nobody around, just occasionally drunk students walking by out of view. He pushes me up against a tree and makes his way down my body - pulls my pants all the way down and eats me out for all of five minutes before I, in my drunk state, tell him to ‘just fuck me already’. His belt comes undone and very soon I’m being fucked against a tree in a parking lot. I think about the fact there might be cameras but it just turns me on all the more. We stop not long after, giggling, and continue on our way to town. His hand on my ass the whole time and me, trying desperately, to get him to fuck me in every weird place I can think of. We get to the public bathrooms outside of centre city new world and the same thing happens. I swear we were in there for ages, and that remains the best sex of my life. The new world public bathroom was witness to the best orgasm I’ve ever had and I’m sure everyone walking by could tell by the noises I was making. He’s just asked me to turn around and face the wall (cheeky bit of doggy) when the bathroom door automatically comes open, as they do. We both jump into action, pants come up, and we walk off to our next destination. Which is the public bathrooms in the savoy building. My memory is foggy at this stage. The next is the bathroom in a certain bar, which has become a regular bathroom sex spot for the two of us - much to the manager’s disappointment. We got kicked out well after close, having not realised everyone had left in our sex-crazed states. He grabbed my hand, this time, and not my ass, and we walked back to my flat together. Stopping at Knox church along the way - there was a basement area that was easy to unlock and we found ourselves in there, clothes off and all over the dusty, gross floor. My moans of ‘oh god’ only made him go harder and eventually he was busting his load all over my back - he’d held off all night, somehow. We quickly got dressed and walked off back to mine. We stopped off at maccas and if we had one more go in the bathrooms there, that’s just between me and him.

- nympho



After 3/4 a bottle of vodka and countless shots, I've been hooking up with a guy in a club all night it comes time to make the trek home. I invite the guy from the club home but end up getting his number and he says he'll come later. Now I'm walking back a little defeated thinking I just wasted my time, money and night when I see three people walking down the street and drunk me decides let's yell at them, "Have a nice threesome". One of the guys yells back to me and then chases me down the street asking for my number so I give him a fake one and then my real one and then a fake one again and walk away thinking he can't get in touch with me. Well by the time I'm home I have a message from him so I think why not and message him back and end up giving him my address jokingly and telling him to come up. By this point it's raining so I thought no way he was coming up. Well 10 mins later he's at the front door sopping wet from walking up the hill asking to be let in. We go up to my room and while making out I notice he's a little teethy but thought nothing of it was we got down to business he starts going down on me and I feel a little nip. So we go a couple rounds of some very boring missionary sex (go figure a guy who spontaneously shows up at your door step is shit at sex) and then it comes time for me to kick him out. Once he's gone I turn on the lights and see blood everywhere and just think damn maybe my period came early, shove a tampon up my vag and decide to deal with it all in the morning. Well old mate from town gives me a message just before I'm about to go to sleep and at this point I'm considering taking a quick shower and meeting up with him. So I go to the bathroom and take a piss and all I feel is burning. Now we used condoms so I knew it could not be an STI so I decide to do a little investigating and look around and see this big gash taken out of my flaps from where he had bit me earlier. So I have to pretend I never saw old mates message and start my three weeks of celibacy before the gaping whole finally heals up. It took me over a week to be able to pee without the burning pain! So that my friends is why you never hook up with a guy you yelled at across the street "have a nice threesome."

- Just a girl that no longer trusts a guy to go down on her

P.S. don't worry I ended up hooking up with the guy from town after I was healed and lets say the experience was much better and the sex was a lot more saucy

This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2019.
Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic.