UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz



It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and hadn't seen a dick in the flesh for what seemed like an eternity. Sexually frustrated as fuck, and slightly tipsy from the 3 wines and 2 darts I indulged in post exam to soothe the soul, I embarked on a mission to seek out my go-to at the time in search of a happy fanny. Being a Saturday morning he was in his office like a good little postgrad, and completely unaware of the hormone-filled sexual goddess that was about to visit him.

He opened the door and I literally threw myself at him, next thing I know I’m completely naked (rookie mistake) splayed across his desk while he is railing me something wicked. In a state of immense euphoria I became aware of my moans and tried to stay quiet aware of the people next door. We then moved to the floor as the desk was making too much noise banging rhythmically against the wall, not suspicious at all. After assuming multiple advanced positions, (the real reason I have done yoga for the past 5 years), he was hitting it just right when there was a knock on the door. Campus fucking Watch. I dived for my trousers, trying to get dressed while watching my future medical career crash and burn in front of my eyes. He answered the door drenched in sweat with a pretty obvious boner. They wanted to talk to him outside. I ran to another room hid under a desk and then as soon as I got the opportunity/became fully clothed I dashed out the back door.

Turns out he just needed to move his fucking car.

Cheers Campus Watch for depriving me of an orgasm. Highly appreciated.

This article first appeared in Issue 24, 2019.
Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic.