Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

 For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of meat, that you’re not afraid to really lick some sauce off a firm, round bun. Eating a burger is gross and messy and really fucking satisfying, which is exactly what sex should be. We focused on smash burgers, an obscure art form in the sandwich realm. Most uneducated fools assume that a burger patty should have a binding ingredient, such as eggs or breadcrumbs. This isn’t your parent’s marriage. The meat will stay together without any additional help. You simply smash it with a spatula and voila. A beautiful, tasty little morsel. Serve with our special sauce for a special time.


Serves 4-5, or an underwhelming orgy.



-    Burger buns

-    500g of prime mince (this sounds fancy but it’s the cheapest fucking kind)

-    Lettuce and tomato, whatever other salad stuff you feel like

-    Salsa

-    Mayonnaise

-    1 Gherkin

-    Cheeeeese




-    Prepare your salad ingredients. This means chopping a tomato and extracting lettuce from the lettuce head. Chop up some cheese – yes, cheese is a salad ingredient.

-    In a small bowl, mix 4 teaspoons of salsa to 4 teaspoons of mayonnaise. People tend to mix tomato sauce with mayonnaise but the salsa adds a funky little touch. Finely chop up the gherkin and add it to the sauce. Season with a touch of salt.

-    Divvy up the mince into appropriate, people-size servings. Salt that bitch. Mould it into a loose, round ball, but don’t pack it too tightly. Your dad packs it tightly enough for both of us.

-    Drop a mince ball into an oiled, hot frying pan. Now with your handy spatula, SMASH that burger down. It should form a nice patty size. Continue to drop and smash the other balls, haha.

-    Cook on one side until beautiful and brown, then flip. Put the cheese on top of the patty to start the melting process - a lid on the ol’ pan may help move things along. If you’re a fan of toasted buns, use this time to chuck the bread in the oven for a couple of minutes to get a bit of crunch.

-    Now put it all together. A burger is about generosity above all else. Revel in the gluttony of the moment, don’t be afraid to get sauce on your face. Much like sex, the clean-up should take about twice as long as the act itself.


This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2020.
Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic.