Archive

Booze Reviews | Speight's Cider

Posted 7:33pm Thursday 13th August 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

Speight's has done so many things to make me the person I am today. It's the best beer I’ve ever been able to afford, it makes me think I’m manly, and it has alcohol in it. As a matter of fact, I base my entire personality on loving Speight's. It's not as tragic as you Read more...

EDITORIAL: Things I Heisted from OUSA President Jack Manning’s Office

Posted 12:58pm Sunday 9th August 2020 by Sinead Gill

OUSA President Jack Manning is a very trusting man. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and he often keeps his office unattended with the door wide open. Often when he does this, it’s because he is in a nearby office or - more likely - in the Critic office being negged by our culture editor Read more...

Vape Review: Fresh Farms Strawberry Farm Cake

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Critic

How good was Strawberry Shortcake? She was an icon. The look, her attitude about life, a close group of friends to cause hijinks with, she was everything I wanted to be. I remember growing up, you could buy these Strawberry Shortcake dolls that smelt like strawberries. I was always so mad that real Read more...

Booze Reviews | Pals

Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Sinkpiss Plath

Pals offers three gentle RTDs. They’re unoffensive, decently strong, and come in pretty colors, just like the Powerpuff Girls and, just like the Powerpuff Girls, they’re what I’d give my children to play with. They’ve got fruit in them! That’s pretty good parenting in Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Taste of Medicine

Posted 9:44pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Sinkpiss Plath

It was a cool autumn day. We were in level-2 and my balls were blue. The COVID-19 lockdown had restrained me, but now I was free.  A girl messaged me on Instagram. I vaguely knew her from a martial arts group. She asked if I wanted to get a drink. I don’t drink, but I accepted Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Sole Food: Fresh fish, beetroot salad and kumara mash.

Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Caroline Moratti

It’s beetroot season baby and with great power comes great responsibility. These bad boys are practically gagging to be pickled, candied and served fresh. The delicateness of the fish nestles into the warm, creamy kumara mash, but the punchy, vibrant beetroot salad takes this dish to a whole Read more...

The Bachelor: The One-On-Ones

Posted 9:35pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Caroline Moratti

The coffee date is a staple of Dunedin socialisation: from the Radio 1 kids at Kiki Beware, to the stressed socialites at RDC, it’s a chance for everyone to find love. We sent Jack and his remaining lucky ladies on three separate dates to enjoy the intimate corners of Dispensary and the Staff Read more...

Vape Review | Fresh Pressed Salts - Fruit Finale

Posted 8:22pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Critic

I know I’ve previously talked about how much I hate ambiguous vape flavours, but Fruit Finale is truly something else. It sounds so ominous and mysterious. I’ve reached the end of my vaping journey and have to battle against the big dog himself. This then leaves the question of which Read more...

Booze Reviews | Villa Maria

Posted 8:19pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

Craft brewers are doing more and more weird shit these days. Every day in Wellington some hipster finds some new crap to put in a beer that makes it taste terrible, so they can call it a 'sour' and convince other punishing hipsters to waste money on it. Apparently, some craft brewers Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Jazzed Up Ramen: Spicy, Crunchy Pork Noodles.

Posted 8:16pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

I have a confession to make. For weeks now, I have been searching for The Perfect Dish. Something spicy, salty, fresh and, above all, interesting. My God, the hunt has been long. After consuming campus sushi daily, I turned to this week's Bone Apple Teeth forlorn, having barely touched a stove Read more...

The Critic Bachelor: Group Dates

Posted 8:09pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

This week, group dates are on the agenda. Can Jack find love, even in a crowded room? On Monday afternoon, Sophie and Amelia met Jack for a romantic rendezvous through the Otago Museum. Critic had intended the group to take in the iconic sights of the Animal Attic (specifically the rat king) but Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Accidental Cougar

Posted 8:06pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Critic

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years after he cheated on me and naturally, I was feeling pretty horny. I went into Suburbia because I had to take a shit and it had the shortest line. I figured while I was inside I may as well do some dancing. I found the tallest man in the room Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Bust a Fat Chuck

Posted 2:44pm Sunday 26th July 2020 by Critic

So I had been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks and we had been really hitting it off and had already hooked up a few times. One Saturday night I was at a party and I invited him to come over, we spent the rest of the night together drinking and chatting. Eventually, I suggested going back Read more...

The Bachelor: First Date and Eliminations

Posted 1:05pm Sunday 26th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

It’s 5:30pm on a Wednesday and the first Bachelor group date is about to begin. Jack describes himself as “nervous, but excited”, laughing as he brushes his hand through his hair. He’s dressed in a form-fitting navy blazer and a crisp, oatmeal shirt. The girls’ profiles Read more...

Vape Review | PachaMama Salts Fuji

Posted 1:02pm Sunday 26th July 2020 by Critic

There’s nothing worse than a vape flavour that is morally ambiguous. In the name of the juice, you gotta tell us what the flavour is. How else are we meant to know what’s going into our lungs? While the PachaMama salts says that it's made from “the most desirable fruits on Read more...

Booze Reviews | Carlsberg

Posted 12:45pm Sunday 26th July 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

They say the Devil's greatest trick was to brew shit beer and put it in green bottles, then charge waaaaay too much for it. This trick has led to the rise of awful beers like Stella and Heineken. This simply cannot do, so I went searching for the impossible. I went looking for a good tasting Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vegan Pumpkin Ravioli: Self-care meets pasta

Posted 12:41pm Sunday 26th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

With guest chef Pippa. There’s something about homemade pasta that reminds you of why life is worth living. In the words of the classic ‘90s movie You’ve Got Mail, “It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew Read more...

EDITORIAL: Sims 4 Eco Lifestyle has made me a Better Person

Posted 1:33pm Sunday 19th July 2020 by Sinead Gill

You are completely within your right to judge me for this, but I am not the SJW you might think I am. I have normie flaws. I don’t put cardboard in the compost bin when I compost. I forget my New World shopping bags every single time I go to the store. I’m really bad for throwing dirty Read more...

The Bachelorettes

Posted 1:11pm Sunday 19th July 2020 by Critic

Meet the girls vying for Jack Manning’s affections. Critic sent them to an OUSA meeting to check out the man in action, and get their first impression of the smouldering President.   Sophie I’m a third-year student majoring in Gender Studies and Minoring in Theatre. I am Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Lemon Muffins: Post-Flu Delights

Posted 8:22pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

With guest baker Islay  This week’s recipe was born out of the fact that our flat is overflowing with lemons. Overrun to the point of insanity. Everyone’s been fucking sick and we were trying to heal ourselves, the only way we know how, through obscene consumption of hot lemon Read more...

Vape Review | Duo Salts Kiwi and Strawberry

Posted 7:43pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Critic

What is with all fucking vape flavours and having either Kiwi or Strawberry? Like seriously, any sort of fruity vape flavour has one or the other, and I’m sick of it. Artificial Kiwifruit tastes like shit. I would rather rub the furry side of the skin on my tongue than have something kiwifruit Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Never Trust a Softboi

Posted 7:41pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Critic

It was the eve of Hyde Street in the Year of Our Lord 2019. I was pretty recently single, flexing my newly found hoe muscles, and getting ready to dress like a tennis bitch and hit the streets. You know the drill, heavy drinking, a casual nip slip, way too many moustaches, and I was on the lookout Read more...

Critic Booze Review | Odd Company Vodka

Posted 7:34pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

There is an epidemic that is flooding this great nation that I have been concerned about for some time now, and it is time that I addressed it. Ever since Part Time Rangers introduced the concept of a ‘simple’ RTD, there has been an influx of the stuff. Now every company and their dog Read more...

EDITORIAL: Reporting About Sexual Violence Sucks

Posted 1:01pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Sinead Gill

Content warning: sexual violence. I hate the way I have to write about sexual violence. It sucks because the legal process that comes with proving that sexual violence occured is difficult, so few survivors pursue legal action. For the fewer survivors that approach the media with their stories Read more...

Vape Review | Duo Salts Apple and Watermelon

Posted 12:41pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Critic

Look, in all honesty, I hate fruit. I’ve never tried most fruits, and I never want to. People ask me why, and it’s mainly because the texture of fruit genuinely scares me. The feeling of biting into a crunchy apple or soft banana and feeling it in my mouth makes me gag. Artificial fruit Read more...

Booze Review | Smirnoff Cranberry Cask

Posted 12:39pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

If you’re anything like me, alcohol that doesn’t taste like alcohol is the best kind of alcohol ever. Smirnoff’s goon sack of cranberry juice and vodka is that alcohol. I’d be convinced that it was just pure cranberry juice if it didn’t make me send 3am ‘u up? Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Mushroom Risotto: The Perfect Boozy Meal

Posted 12:34pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Not to promote cooking and drinking (sorry NZ fire-safety ads from 2012), but risotto truly is the one dish where a glass of wine in hand is practically essential, or at the very least encouraged. The art of cooking risotto is a long, slow, and savoury process. There’s very little pressure Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Week Two Without Porn - Desires of the E-Flesh

Posted 12:30pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Critic

Things were happening to my body this week. I never realised how weird masturbating without porn was until I forced myself to do it. Firstly, it was hard to get a good hard erection going. I could get one that just did the job, but it wasn’t the throbbing pleasure stick I wanted. I also found Read more...

EDITORIAL: The Exec Are Too Comfortable Making Decisions Behind Closed Doors

Posted 9:12am Monday 6th July 2020 by Sinead Gill

Critic Te Arohi is famously anti-weed, so it’ll be no surprise to you that my hackles were raised when the Exec made the decision to actively encourage Otago students to vote ‘yes’ to cannabis legalisation in the upcoming referendum. I was raised Catholic; it felt sinful enough to Read more...

Vape Review | Nek Minty Aotearoa E-Juice

Posted 3:11pm Sunday 5th July 2020 by Critic

Ha ha guys remember when Nek Minute was a thing?! When the whole country mercilessly ridiculed a dude for his poor vernacular and how he looks? How funny is that! It’s not like that joke originated in 2011 and has died out becoming not funny anymore. I’m so glad it’s 2020 and the Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 9

Posted 10:18pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 My resentment towards you Aquarius is wearing off. You’re actually pretty cool. Do with that what you will. Also get out of doing flat dinner this week by simply not coming home after a night out. Your Re-O regret: Falling over in your own Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Dumplings - Pork & Scallion

Posted 10:13pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Sometimes you don’t want a plate consisting of one meal, one story. You want many tiny little meals, many tiny little stories. Each mouthful the beginning, middle and end. Dumplings are the perfect meal to cook and eat with friends. Every person gets a turn at folding the wrappers and Read more...

Booze Reviews | Free-B's

Posted 9:56pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Anon

Victorian Bitters, a classic Australian beer. Sitting at around $13 for a 6 pack, you definitely get your money’s worth. However, are VB’s actually a pleasurable beer to drink? Yes and no. If you are a 20-year-old skater or middle aged Australian man, then you’d probably say that Read more...

The Critic Bachelor

Posted 9:51pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Jack Manning Age: 22 (“and a half!”)  Occupation: OUSA President  Star sign: Sagittarius Degree: BSc in Computer Science, DipGrad in Marketing  Celebrity Crush: Gal Gadot His friends describe him as: Kind, a little bit introverted, and humble. Last STI Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Unfucking my Brain: One Month Without Porn

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic

Porn has undeniably screwed with my brain. There is no questioning that. It has changed how I think about and approach sex. It continues to burn holes through my dopamine receptors. It’s changed how I think about both women and men. I’m in my twenties, and looking at how I consume porn Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's

Posted 12:28am Friday 22nd May 2020 by F. Thot Fizzgerald

Speight's in a can, Speight's in a bottle, and Speight's on tap are all vastly different drinking experiences. Although it may technically be the same beverage, I’m willing to bet my life that the material and/or spiritual energy of the vessel fucks with the taste. Here is Read more...

Vape Review | Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice

Posted 10:33pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

Who needs Covid-19 when you can get self-induced Bronchitis from vaping too much over quarantine? If you’re gonna inject your lungs with some nicotine, it might as well taste nice. That’s why the Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice results in a pleasant vaping experience. You Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Custard: Soup, but make it dessert.

Posted 10:29pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

There are times in life when you don’t want to make a meal for yourself, but you also want to cook something. There are times when you want dinner, but actually, really, only want dessert. Custard is easy and gooey and somehow deeply nostalgic. Eat a whole pot of it and call it a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Antonio and the Tonsils

Posted 10:27pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

So, our tale begins in the US, where I was staying with my parents over the summer holidays. During that time I had the perfectly rational horny thought to check out some American tinder boys. After some extensive swiping, I finally found someone half-decent. For the sake of this confession, Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 8

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius  Jan 20 - Feb 18 This year is flying by and so are your opportunities to make long lasting friends that you don’t exploit.  Your song to stream this week: Privilege - The Weeknd   Pisces  Feb 19 - Mar 20 You get a glimpse of freedom and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 7

Posted 1:10am Friday 15th May 2020 by Critic

Alright lads, I’ve got a problem. I don’t know if it’s something developmental, or if it’s just that I’ve been shacked up for six weeks without a shag, but I’ve had more wet dreams during the lockdown than I’ve had in my entire life.  I’d be Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Rabbit Ranch Pinot Gris

Posted 11:53pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Sinkpiss Plath

When esteemed Dunedin South (now Taieri) electorate member of parliament, Clare Curran, came to Critic for an intense debate, she brought wine along with her. She brought Rabbit Ranch, a fruity sav that tingles the throat with every sip. Nice attempt to intimidate us Clare, but we deal with Harlene Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 7

Posted 4:12pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius  Jan 20 - Feb 18 While you lay in bed looking out the window, the moon will tell you that your next period will be extremely heavy as punishment for being you. The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Five days, but they will be hell.   Pisces  Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Tacos: for a Celebration

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Everyone loves tacos. There’s a reason that the humble dish appeases both the fiercest of enemies, the basic white girl and the hipster. Tacos are juicy, spicy, comforting and the meal I would reach for to celebrate the end of a devastatingly long lockdown. It’s the end of Autumn so, Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vegan Korma

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

I spend a lot of my time and money pretending to be a young professional, when in fact, I’m actually a dumb, poor student. This includes behaviour such as spending outrageous sums of money at bars, buying clothes that do not suit any of the places I go, and practicing fancy recipes to cook for Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 6

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mending unstable friendships is a great idea this week. Stop blowing your friends off for a basic breatha with chlamydia and send them a message about how awesome they are. Your cereal choice this week: Porridge but pretend it’s Read more...

Booze Reviews | Beefeater Gin

Posted 3:53pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

In a time of loneliness we all need to find someone, or something, to keep us company. And because I’m a sad, single alcoholic, I’ve found my companion in a bottle of Beefeater Gin. To say Beefeater will boost your mood in a time as tough as this would be a bit of a lie. As Albert Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 6

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

How many times have you come close to death? To see the edges of the world grow void of colour, and feel everything growing impossibly distant, only to be wrenched back to unfortunate reality. It happened to me twice in one night, and it was the first time I met with someone I met on Grindr. The Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Accidental Isolation Partner

Posted 10:35am Wednesday 8th April 2020 by Critic

Monday 23 March, 2020. Doomsday. When the news hit, there was panic in my flat. So much so that it rubbed off on me. My flatmates were making plans to move home, but with the flights blocked and my dad immunocompromised, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me. I was left with a choice. I could Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Bliss Balls

Posted 4:53pm Tuesday 7th April 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Baking sweet snacks is the perfect isolation activity. But I hear ya, there’s no FUCKing flour or sugar at the supermarket. What the fuck are you supposed to bake then? I know bliss balls might seem like a sad proxy for baking but they are actually delicious, sweet, quick and easy. Just like Read more...

Let Young People Celebrate, Even If the World Is Ending

Posted 3:38pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Jamie Mactaggart

If you’ve been online in the past week you would have seen two things. First, this Covid-19 shit is hitting the fan and second, the old people are angry at students again. They are angry because while they were buying all the fucking toilet paper, students were focused on how there is always Read more...

Booze Reviews | Quarantini Selection

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Critic

Cold and Flu Supplements to Mix with Your Leftover St Paddy’s Day Whisky and a little bit of Redbull I thought that cocktail - ‘Quarrantini’ – that was making its way around social media was fucking revolutionary. I decided to test out other cold and flu supplements that Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Focaccia

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Not to be corny, but making bread is an activity that has brought me unrivalled joy throughout my life. A handful of ingredients and a few hours will yield a delicious loaf to share and fill and entire house with the cosiest, most comforting smell.  This focaccia recipe is really, actually, Read more...

Vape Review | A.N.Z.A.A.C

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Believe it or not, I am somewhat of a patriot. At least when it comes to biscuits. I have tried multiple Anzac flavoured vape juices, and I can honestly say that none have come as close to what Vapourium offers. I think this one has done our fallen soldiers proud, boys. Before you go out and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 5

Posted 6:20pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Last summer, I did what any bored and horny gal does and tried to get validation from random Tinder guys. I swiped on a dude who seemed pretty cute, but a bit of a shit cunt - just my type. We talked for a bit and then decided to go out for a cheeky afternoon drink. After a few too many beers and Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 5

Posted 6:19pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles. Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Water Read more...

Just the Tip | Issue 5

Posted 5:55pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Want to deal with a dick flatmate, problems with your studies, or want tips on how to woo your latest Tinder match? Your anonymous concerns will be addressed by a panel of Critic's life coaches. The Virgin Sappho, 2nd Year I. Need. A gf. I’ve tried several dating apps, I’ve Read more...

Editorial: R.I.P. Blind Date

Posted 9:50am Monday 16th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

From this week onward, there will be no more Critic Blind Date. I know. You’re all going to be fucking gutted. In a way, so am I – no editor relishes cutting institutions from the magazine. But this had to be done. Critic cannot 100 percent guarantee your safety on the blind date, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Dirty Double Brown & Sunshine

Posted 12:42pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

St Patrick’s day is upon us. It would be rude not to give you some relevant cocktails for a filthy Tuesday on the piss. Dirty Double Brown -       30ml whiskey -       15mls Read more...

Vape Review

Posted 12:39pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by Nicki O'Teen

If you want an inoffensive vaping experience, then the Ice Cucumber is the flavour for you. It literally just tastes like cool air with a sweet afterbirth. Ice Cucumber is only 2.5% strength, so it doesn’t leave you with the pairing of burning lungs and self-deprecating thoughts. This flavour Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 4

Posted 6:43pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

I don’t know what the place is called, but if you walk up that fuck off hill from Arana – up past the cemetery and to the top of where the botans begin/ends – there is this field. I drive past it all the time to get to the supermarket without having to deal with all the traffic on Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 4

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day. What you smell like this week: Desperation.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your last Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Avo and Chicken Rice Balls

Posted 6:35pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Recently we resolved that we would become much better people and start bringing a packed lunch to Uni. Where better to start than rice balls, the food so many students already consume with unrestrained financial passion? Since they are now a devastating $4.70 at St. Dave’s, it seemed there was Read more...

EDITORIAL: Report Your Shit Cunt Landlord

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 8th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

Most landlords that Critic come across are shit cunts (SCLs for short). SCLs believe that students should be grateful to be housed at all, and that rotting properties are ok because students will trash the place anyway. SCLs think that providing a roof is enough, and that adequate housing quality is Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

 For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 3

Posted 12:46pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

Dr Lauren Carwell* was the sexiest lecturer I had ever seen. She was maybe 28ish with a nice body and sexy eyes. The fact that she was in a position of power added an even hotter appeal, and I never missed a class for this reason. Although I was at uni, I felt like a stupid young schoolboy with a Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week you will be kink shamed. Probably by me. This week’s lube flavour: Yeast   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Hmm something smells fishy. Vagisil, anyone? This week’s lube flavour: Birthday cake   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Issue 3

Posted 5:48pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Critic Booze Review: Odd Company’s The Cheeky One If you haven’t been to Leith Liquor in the past week or so, you’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this drink? Let me enlighten you. Sick of Long Whites being the only alcohol I can manage to stomach after years of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Him and Her

Posted 4:27pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

HIM: I was pretty skeptical about how the whole thing was going to go down. Then my date arrived. Fuck me, Critic really pulled through on this one. We headed off to the peace gardens (that place where you can get free salad beside OUSA), for some drinks and a vape. When my date proceeded to Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Weed

Posted 2:01am Friday 28th February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

I had planned to review an actual booze, but the day I sat down to do it, my dealer texted: he was in. A Dunedin without fellow students had turned me lazy, but for both Flo and O Week I had missed out on the hundie bag deals. I couldn’t do three weeks in a row. After a quick trip to the Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck

Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...

Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It

Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill

Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too.  This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta

Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda

Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan

Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

HARRY   Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1

Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 1

Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...

Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map

Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy

Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

111, one drug pls!!!   Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation.     Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...

Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...

Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...

Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...

Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard

Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 26

Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Oh no, not the eels!   Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving.   The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets.   Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 25

Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Spicy

Posted 10:20pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     When I was at Arana the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. Read more...

American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown

Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...

Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen

Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...

Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’

Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes

Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...

2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum

Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’. Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex.   Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...