Jan 20 - Feb 18

Flo and O are over, you should probably stop partying now and open a goddamn book. Your lecturers and liver will thank you for it. 

Your high: Codeine



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Make sure you soak up the last week of your season baby. Get all the bullshit crying and simping out while you can. 

Your high: Your vibrator



Mar 21 - Apr 19

The next week will be super hot and heavy for you. Do with that information what you will, you saucy minx. 

Your high: Being the centre of attention



Apr 20 - May 20

There’s a reason everyone loves you. Keep being the laid back legend you always are. Your friends and flatties will appreciate it, you also deserve a nap. 

Your high: The humble but effective weed brownie 



May 21 - Jun 20

New flat for 2021? New you! It’s time to unleash your other personality and let everyone know who you truly are on the inside. 

Your high: Mixed cocktail, just like you



Jun 21 - July 22

Ever heard of a chill pill? You should probably take one, or maybe twelve. 

Your High: Meditation 



July - Aug 22

Pisces season has probably bought you a few failed romances. Maybe it was your tremendous ego or God complex that drove them away. It’s time for you to hit the clubs and find a new flame, baby!

Your High: Having a raging superiority complex 



Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s time to stop stressing over those non existent assignments. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself, have a glass of wine and a bath. You deserve it my sweet sweet virgos. 

Your High: a crisp bottle of Pinot Gris 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

It’s about time to chuck a wank in the bank and get over yourself. Put that indecisive scatter brain to rest, no one needs to keep hearing about your issues. 

Your High: Xanax 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

There’s a difference between being a bad bitch and wanting to fight everyone. You probably need to see a therapist. The Gemini Mars has you feeling some kind of way. 

Your High: Finding a healthy coping mechanism 



Nov 22 - Dec 21

If you feel the need to blast some Avril Lavigne and get your feelings out, it’s probably time to do so. Remember to check in and take care of yourselves my sweets, life’s rough. 

Your High: Therapy 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Excessive cleaning and sucking up to lecturers won’t make your shit personality go away. Stop complaining about everything and learn to have some fun, Jesus. 

Your High: A tasteless low carb beer, pussy 

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2021.
Posted 1:40pm Sunday 21st March 2021 by Critic.