Booze Reviews | Export 33

Booze Reviews | Export 33

Switching from Export Gold to Export 33 is like switching from Maccas to Subway, except instead of getting arrested for being a pedophile you just become an annoying elitist prick.

I honestly have no idea if there are real health benefits in 33, but they do move you at least three social classes over the Export Gold drinking scum.

‘Export’ Gold is obviously a lie, because no one who has ever lived in a city bigger than Ashburton would ever put up with that watered-down asparagus wee in a bottle. But Export 33? You could genuinely trick a European into paying like five euro for a weirdly sized glass of it. Except they would want it to be like 90% foam for some reason.

The process of drinking a box of these I would describe as being a sprint. I’ll explain.

The first bottle goes down immediately, the clean taste feels like its cleansing your soul and you’re ready to settle into a long, controlled innings. Not looking to cause too much damage to your inner body functions, just happy to get off the mark.

The next 12 also goes down immediately. This beer cannot possibly be drunk in moderation, it's far too moreish. It feels like because its low carb you’re allowed to go hard as fuck on these, kinda like your keto diet cheat day.

Beers 14-15. Because you’ve finished 13 beers in approximately 20 minutes, you hit a bit of a lull, and as the alcohol feeds into your system you start having some great ideas. If it wasn't LSD the makers of Robot Unicorn Attack were on, it has to have been this. Eventually the kick of four and a half litres of beer flies through you like a cocaine-charged panda. You’re at the finish line and suddenly there is nothing you can't do.

Post box: Congratulations! You’re now fucked. You quickly realise there is many things you can't do, but passing out in your own vomit is the one skill you have retained.

Hangover? Yes.

Tasting Notes: Really crisp, a genuine joy to have it in your mouth. Not much in the way of fruity undertones, and marginal bitterness.

Froth Level: High. Honestly, I don’t know. I was hitting my high score in Robot Unicorn Attack, next thing I know I’m waking up to a brain full of gravel.

Pairs well with: Robot Unicorn Attack.

Taste Rating: 97,000 (my Robot Unicorn Attack high score) but it comes at a cost.

This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2020.
Posted 8:01pm Thursday 27th August 2020 by Dick Bourbonage.