Horoscope | Issue 9

Horoscope | Issue 9


Jan 20 - Feb 18

My resentment towards you Aquarius is wearing off. You’re actually pretty cool. Do with that what you will. Also get out of doing flat dinner this week by simply not coming home after a night out.
Your Re-O regret: Falling over in your own piss



Feb 19 - Mar 20

You’ll be the only one who maintains a healthy sleep schedule and attends every class this week without fail. Everyone wishes they were you. You’re better than us.
Your Re-O regret: Cleaning up your flatmate’s chunny the morning after



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Your love for the rark is bigger now more than ever. Your return to the Dunedin streets will cause you to act up every night out. Get it out of your system; drink 3 scrumpys, steal a box, and make some friends. You’ll be the star of every show.
Your Re-O regret: That Re-O isn’t every week of the year



Apr 20 - May 20

No-one is more stubborn than you, and nothing is more stubborn than the beer pong cup that you just can’t sink. You’ll lose every drinking game this week, as well as any piece of dignity you have left. At least Maccas won’t let you down.
Your Re-O regret: Talking up a big game



May 21 - Jun 20

Eat 3 tomatoes and 1 mandarin.
Your Re-O regret: Greening out every night and waking up at 5pm



Jun 21 - Jul 22

It’s your birthday and you know what that means! Crying still, but at least you can wear a party hat and eat some cake and no-one will ask questions. Happy bday x
Your Re-O regret: A failed yardie 



Jul 23 - Aug 23

You’re gonna dance more than ever this week and no one is complaining. Don’t be shy, break out the Tik Tok dances you’ve learnt.
Your Re-O regret: Spewing after a durry



Aug 23 - Sep 22

You’ll probably hit bed at 10pm each night but that’s ok. We love self care. Put on your fluffy socks and chill.
Your Re-O regret: Not going to your friend’s red card



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Your exam results might be getting you down, but don’t stress. Failed a paper? You’ll pay it off one day, perhaps when you’re 40 and single, but wealthy in life experience.
Your Re-O regret: Turning down that MD



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You’ll rock up to a flat where no one knows who you are and be the life of the party. Out-twerk the people who give you dirty looks and take over the AUX.
Your Re-O regret: Being devastatingly good at throwing it back



Nov 22 - Dec 21

This week is the week that defines your life. Everything is riding on this week. Nothing will be the same. Don’t fuck it up. No pressure. Have fun and look good doing it luv.
Your Re-O regret: Making up dream scenarios that will ultimately let you down


Dec 22- Jan 19

Tables have turned and regardless of gender, you’re the mum of the group this week. Grab a cup of coffee, pack the panadol, and watch your friends get messy. Thanks in advance, ily.
Your Re-O regret: Not punching your mate in the head

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2020.
Posted 10:18pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic.