Moaningful Confessions | Team Rawdog, right, babe?

Met a guy on tinder. Really witty, messaged me with more than a hey and I was hooked.  After 6 months of feeling like an incel, all I needed was a root and boot. Quickly organised drinks, knowing that ya girl is a loose goose on the piss. The night rolls around, and I get picked up by this guy (who was probably about a 6 tbh, but who am I to judge) and get taken into town. Drinks are flowing and so are my female juices as we make basic chat. His hands were humongous and I was super keen to see what was in store. After a couple, I suggest going back to mine. He was keen.

We stumble back to mine and the clothes quickly start falling off. I’m wearing something seductive and feeling like a 10/10. Beer goggles have got me thinking he’s something like a young Leonardo DiCaprio. This is where it goes to shit. We’re rolling around in bed, he’s shoving his tongue in my mouth and I’m a bit turned off but too drunk to care. Not sure what to do with his tongue though so I pull back. After about 18 seconds of absolute nonsense ‘foreplay’, he rolls me on my back. Thinking that the foreplay was to continue, I let out a sigh of relief. Oh how I was wrong.

He puts it in me raw. I look at him, he looks at me. “So no condom?” I say. “Nah bro” he says back. Charming.

After 35 seconds of mediocre pumping in what I can describe was the Sahara Desert, he decides to start slapping my face, my tits, my sanity - whatever he could get his hands on. I’m confused, a little in pain, but this was my first proper one night stand so I was letting him have his go. After another minute of that, he asks me where I want him to cum.

Taken back by the response, I say wherever. He cums in me. And I’m laying there, him still inside me, trying to think about how the fuck I’m gonna manage raising his kid on my own on a student allowance budget. He rolls over. I ask him if he’s planning on going home. “Nah bro”, yet again - very charming. He then falls asleep almost immediately and I’m left strumming my own banjo next to him.

 I wake up the next morning and he had already left. Blocked me on everything possible and unmatched on tinder. All I was left with was chlamydia, a child and possible coronavirus (still pending). Oh, and bruised tits.

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2020.
Posted 10:23pm Thursday 10th September 2020 by Critic.