Moaningful Confessions | The Horn to My Hornette

Moaningful Confessions | The Horn to My Hornette

It was just after lockdown. Me and my best mate hit Starters the night of our touch downs back in the capital of the South Island. We were chomping at the bit to meet some sexy sirs. 

I looked up to the Starters DJ to see that he was (to be frank) fucking PEAK breather sexiness, exactly my type. Star struck by this unbelievably pussy throbbing breather, I was in awe for the rest of the evening. 

The next day a sexy dud breather caught my attention on my phone screen: let’s call him Jono. A couple days pass then I receive a tinder message from Jono saying “fancy breathers?” to which I obviously reply “fuck yes my guy”. The next question he asks tho is when it gets juicy.

He asks me “were you at starters last Thursday?” I immediately think what the fucking stalker. However since he has pretty privilege I answer “yes why???”  Jono then says “I was performing I saw you”. 


It was.

So as it is only fair to meet the cunt, I see him at a bar the following night. Flirting and talking ensues and I end up going to his after about 30 mins of us hanging out. 

And then, fifty shades of mother fucking grey wild intense sex. Christian Gray and Anastasia Steele role play is the only way a bitch can describe it. Unbelievable pussy throbbing sex. Railed, slapped, hair pulled, all of the above. A new world. I came in about 10 minutes DURING the slams. 

I felt like I was in a fucking watt pad fan fiction as he put his fingers in my mouth and asked me to SPIT on them. I fucking know what the fuck I’m getting horny writing this FOSHO. The grand finale was him cumming all over my stomach and tits and my god I had never felt better. 

After sex cuddles make an appearance and I was vibing out team, in my element. The next morning we wake up early so he can go to work and he says he’s gonna go get some breakfast so I get changed in to my slutty starters fit. 

He comes back into his room smoking a dart at 7am as his breakfast, I get into his car with baggies all over the floor and DNB blaring through the speakers and he drops me off with a kiss as a send off. 

We fuck for a couple more weeks and then a few months later I find out he has a 70 PERSON BODY COUNT AND CHLAMYDIA. 

Glad I got out of there but also thank you Jono for the best sex of my life.

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2021.
Posted 2:03pm Sunday 21st March 2021 by Critic.