Moaningful Confessions | Between Two Bogans

Moaningful Confessions | Between Two Bogans

It was a sunny summer Saturday, one of the last before I returned back to dunners this year. Of course, this Saturday was not out of the ordinary as it involved some pretty hectic day drinking and the shenanigans that go along with it.

This story begins after a good old-fashioned game of truth or dare when one of the boys was dared to cut his hair in a mullet which he of course did (while oath by Cher Lloyd was playing in the background, not important, just weird). Might I mention after a box of beer I am a slut for a good old-fashioned mullet so after a few suggestive glances both ways we both knew what was going to happen and we just needed to find some place to seal the deal. This guy also happened to own one of those self-contained vans but as we are responsible drunken idiots we had to wait until the sober driver (let’s call him josh) was finished doing skids in said van and was ready to go to town.

We park up by town somewhere out of the way where we can stay the night and have a few more drinks with mullet man and Josh and go hit the rark. Town comes me and mullet man head back a bit early because we're 'tired' and as I’m riding him into another dimension I hear the door open and josh comes back way less sober, gets a lighter, gives us both a high five and goes off somewhere again. 

We finish up, Josh comes back and mullet man goes to buy smokes or something like that. So me being the slut I am I begin to get it on with Josh, and as I was putting my heart and soul into giving this man the absolute blowjob of his life, mullet man comes back and proceeds to start giving me head. I thought my life had peaked right there and then until one of them suggested we try something different. Cue 5 minutes of awkward fumbling around I was then impaled while they were working both the front and back until I brought up the illusive spitroast, the gold star of disappointing my parents. I had Josh going back and forth between the front and the back while sucking mullet man off until they both finish in a record 4 and 6 minutes respectively.

We then proceed to lie there and discuss last years NRL draw while all three of us are swiping tinder until we fall asleep. I wake up the next morning in a moving van with a splitting headache and then proceed to get it on again with mullet man for half the drive home. They drop me off at mine and as we pull into the street one of them comments ‘oh my parents live down here’. Safe to say I never saw either of them again.

This article first appeared in Issue 21, 2020.
Posted 3:48pm Sunday 4th October 2020 by Critic.