Jan 20 - Feb 18

Uni stress has already piled on top of you, like the debt from your Summer festivals. Haha good luck, no advice here. 

Your flat cooking menu: Stir fry with frozen veges. 



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Happy birthday lol, hope you’re coping! But I doubt it! Don’t let the birthday sadness bring you down, take this time to eat too much and pass out in the gutter outside of your flat covered in Big Mac sauce.

Your flat cooking menu: Raw tofu.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

The fleeting year has got you wanting to make the most of your time, except you'll just keep talking about doing things and continue to do nothing. At least your head is in it. 

Your flat cooking menu: You don't cook. 



Apr 20 - May 20

You're constantly doing the most, this week is no exception. Take a step back, reflect on your decisions, and stop spending money on Food box subscriptions. 

Your flat cooking menu:  A lasagne jam packed with veges and a chacoochie board or however you say. 



May 21 - Jun 20

 Get up! O-week is over! You have shit to do, like your BCom papers or whatever. 

Your flat cooking menu: One mi goreng packet split between four.



Jun 21 - July 22

The end of Summer and the chill in the air will bring you joy, and your desire to stay in bed will be obvious. Pull out the long sleeves! Just kidding, Dunedin is always a cold bitch

Your flat cooking menu: Fried rice. 



July - Aug 22

The overwhelming need to be adored by fans will cripple you this week lol. 

Your flat cooking menu: Potato bake extra mushroom. 



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Every day you waste playing Fortnite or watching the Bachelor is another day you have contributed nothing to this world x

Your flat cooking menu: Ham sandwich but you ran out of bread. 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

I can count on one hand a Libra that I have liked ever. This week you will be even less likeable. But at least you have a dressing gown.

Your flat cooking menu: A cadbury chocolate block because you’re too cheap to splurge on Whittakers. 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Your brash tone and egg breath will probably annoy your friends this week. However, you will get too drunk and kick-on the whole weekend so who is the real winner?

Your flat cooking menu: Plain pasta and some Codys. 



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your need for attention 24/7 is making you look crazy. Just keep your head down, do some work, and maybe the Lord (aka Critic Editor) will reward you with a good night out and lots of love from your peers. 

Your flat cooking menu: Vege nachos as per. 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Wash the fork that has been sitting in your sink for five days, for fuck’s sake. 

Your flat cooking menu: Nothing because you despise everyone. 

This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2021.
Posted 12:41am Sunday 7th March 2021 by Critic.