I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years after he cheated on me and naturally, I was feeling pretty horny. I went into Suburbia because I had to take a shit and it had the shortest line. I figured while I was inside I may as well do some dancing. I found the tallest man in the room (don't judge me, we all have a type), and started grinding on him. About 10 minutes in he said, "Uh, I don't even know your name." We exchanged our first names like we were in Parliament or something and I prayed that I would remember it, but also didn't really care.
I had just gotten back from lockdown, and hadn't unpacked so I had anticipated going back to his. Unfortunately, he informs me he's staying with a friend, so that's out. Ya bitch wanted to get dicked down and was not about to be deterred by a messy room, so we headed back to mine.
Let's skip ahead to the down and dirty, where things got fucking ridiculous. We're in the fun lil’ pre-makeout sesh, and he stops me, looks me dead in the eye and says, "Wait, before we go any further, do you want to make sure it’s big enough?" I was literally at a loss for words, muttered something about it being fine. He then took 3 minutes trying to remove his skinny jeans while I sat naked on the bed watching this boy wiggle like a fish out of water.
Finally, with all clothing removed we got to doing the horizontal tango. Although he did actually have a solid dong, the sex was pretty underwhelming and had all the excitement of doing your laundry. On top of this, he re-tied his man-bun exactly seven times during sex, I counted.
After the act was (more or less) complete and he was settling down for the night, I finally asked him, "So, if you're staying with a friend, where are you from?" Turns out, this 6'5, man-bun-wearing, human-beanpole was from Invercargill, but that's not even the least of it. The friend he was staying with was from [redacted hall], and this man was 18. fucking. years. old. I had done the unthinkable and fucked an 18-year-old and become what I feared most, a cougar.
As he finally left the next morning, it was pissing with rain, he walks halfway out, but turns back. Clearly thinking this was going to be some Nicholas Sparks one-night-stand moment he says, "Oh did you want my number or something?" to which I replied, "Um, Nah I think I'm good." and sent him on his way.