Booze Reviews | Seltzers

Booze Reviews | Seltzers

I don't know how to say that I unironically love this beverage without sounding like a shill. But, as Tui prepares to launch a similar product, you can tell that when shit commercial beers start adopting a more femme trend, there’s something good afoot.

Seltzers are owned by an ex-Dunedinite and are made in Motueka, so supporting them allows you to get drunk while keeping dollah in the pockets of the people. The first and only problem is the price. They run a bit spenny but, unlike an undergraduate degree, the price tag is actually worth it.

There are ways to get around this problem. Get into a game of rage cage and remember who’s drinking this, and go for their cups. Alternatively, wait until whoever is working on a box of these to get sloshed so you can swipe a few. High risk, high reward but, like Halloween candy, you gotta put on your big-brain cap trade up if you want to be successful. Art of the deal, baby. Even two Billy Mavs for one Seltzers is a good trade.

The ideal setting for drinking this beverage is not at a flat party, not at pre drinks, not anywhere remotely similar to the usual grime of the Dunedin scene. This drink belongs on the beach. It belongs in the alps. It’s a creature of sophistication, of elegance. Much like your significant other, it deserves to be anywhere but in your hands in a North D flat. But here we are. Might as well enjoy yourself and stop wondering how you got so lucky.

It comes in an attractively long and tall can with a spaceman on it. The length and girth of the bevvy in your hand is nicely textured thanks to whatever they made the cans out of. The dimensions make for prime shotgunning, and the vodka/water mix is way lighter than beer while also being stronger and tastier. All in all, an ideal candidate for a shotgun tipoff.

A Seltzers yardie would be as dangerous as it would be delicious. For all of you who have some sort of contrarian disposition against drinking anything other than shitty beer, that’s fine. Leave the rest for us. All I’m saying is that Seltzers are a great way to support a local business, get trashed, and have fun while you do it.

Tasting Notes: Refreshing. Fresh snow from the Austrian Alps. The rolling fields of Salzburg.

Froth Level: Getting exactly what you pay for. Getting drunk and trying to catch a seagull.

Pairs well with: Unsuccessfully catching a seagull.

Taste Rating: A perfect 10, even if you don’t like Seltzers.

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2020.
Posted 9:32pm Thursday 3rd September 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down.