Jan 20 - Feb 18

Your birthday season went by so fast that no one realised it was all about you. Just think about the uneventful past month. Sorry. 

Your O-Week peak: Getting over your birthday depression.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

It’s all about opportunities this year and it’s super exciting. Except this will stress you out and you’ll probably find yourself spending so much money on shit you don’t need.

Your O-Week peak: Going out without overanalyzing your own actions.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s been a while Aries. Hi sirrrr. You still kind of are the worst, sorry aha x

Your O-Week peak: Nothing, you absolute menace. 



Apr 20 - May 20

You’re going to go way too hard on the piss this week. You will 100% embarrass yourself. But you should be in the right headspace to laugh it off. Who cares if you get carried out of Castle covered in vomit? That’s a typical Tuesday night imo. 

Your O-Week peak: The two minutes you had some dignity. 



May 21 - Jun 20

You’ve had a rough time lately but you’re going to make some great connections with people, both on Tinder AND in your future career. 

Your O-Week peak: Hungover fried rice. 



Jun 21 - July 22

You’ve been kind of AWOL and bailed on some parties but that’s no problem. Find comfort in hiding away from the world. You’ll be back on the streets in no time. 

Your O-Week peak: Not regretting any moments. 



July - Aug 22

Your own confidence can be overbearing to people who are not on the same level as you. It’s ok to love yourself, but you’re not better than anyone. Except literally everyone who went to Castle lol. 

Your O-Week peak: Looking fresh feeling fine.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Hi God, Virgo again. Why, if I am such an organized person, do I leave everything to the last minute? (Fix your life, this isn’t like you. Haha, kind regards.) 

Your O-Week peak: Stealing drinks from freshers. 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Nicki Minaj loves a Libra. Apologies to Queen Nicki, but I don’t feel the same. You’ll make some questionable decisions this week, watch yourself. 

Your O-Week peak: Taking a break from being shady. 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You’re already in over your head and the year has just begun. Take a break, kick your feet up, and reflect on the things that make you happy. Like KFC Wicked Wings and going to the club. 

Your O-Week peak: Being a better dancer than everyone else. 



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Right now it probably feels like you’re drowning, but just swim. You’ll probably avoid absolutely anything that will make you more stressed which will make you feel a bit better. Don’t stay up late thinking about how you got kicked out of a club in the Octy. 

Your O-Week peak: Finding love, then losing them in the crowd.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your usual Debbie Downer mood will be shaken up towards the end of the week, giving your friends a well-needed break from your pessimism. You’ll be in a good mood, maybe you’ll even do your dishes! Proud of you.

Your O-Week peak: Being a lazy fuck.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2021.
Posted 8:35am Wednesday 3rd March 2021 by Critic.