Bone Apple Teeth | Stir-Fry: Impossible to Fuck up

Bone Apple Teeth | Stir-Fry: Impossible to Fuck up

Assignment time is upon us, my sweets, and what we all need is a salty, quick meal to sustain the study grind. Stir-fries are the ultimate student delicacy. It’s cheap, quick and easy, just like me. It’s the perfect meal to clean your fridge out of all the random bits about to go off and hide some greens nestled amongst noodle goodness. A personal suggestion, but satay adds a bit of crunch’n’punch, a creamy must-have for even the blandest of noodles. Yet whatever your vibe, a stir-fry is yours to customise to your hearts wildest content. Go create, my children.



1 chopped onion (every good meal starts with an onion)

3-4 garlic cloves

2 teaspoons minced ginger

Soy sauce 

Fish or oyster sauce 

Chilli flakes 

1 chopped carrot

Sprig of spring onion 

Whatever meat you feel like. Beef, chicken or pork mince baby, go crazy. 

Noodles (egg or rice is fine) 

Whatever’s in your fridge that needs using up. Check on your broccoli. How are those mushrooms doing? 

Chopped peanuts and crispy shallots to serve  


Sesame oil

Pinch of MSG (racist western media ruined its reputation, but I truly, truly love this lil guy. A pantry MUST.) 

Peanut butter 

Squeeze o’ lemon 

Chicken stock liquid (helps with deglazing the pan) 



  1. Chop and prep your meat with a marinade. Marinades are important and should be done at least 30 minutes before your actual cook time. Salt the meat rigorously, then pour a few tablespoons of soy sauce, fish/oyster sauce (if you’re impartial to the taste, sprinkle in a touch of brown sugar to balance it out), and some peanut butter and sesame oil if you’re wanting satay style. A bit of cracked pepper and chilli flakes won’t go astray here. 
  2. After your marinade time is up, time to fire up the stovetop. In some oil, fry up your onion, garlic and ginger. Take a few minutes to brown and take in the smell. The best smell in the world. 
  3. Chuck in your meat, along with any marinade that’s still chilling in the bowl. Keep an eye on it, medium heat. If all that saucy goodness keeps getting stuck to the pan, this is where a splash of chicken stock might come in handy. 
  4. Once browned, add in your carrots, other miscellaneous veg and half of your spring onion (add in the darker green stalk here, the lighter bulb is best for sprinkling on top once finished). 
  5. Pop on your kettle to boil water and follow cooking instructions on your noodle packet. Thin noodles, especially rice ones, will only take 2 minutes to cook so keep an eye on them. Like pasta, they should be slightly al dente. A mushy noodle is neither wanted in the bedroom nor the kitchen. 
  6. While waiting for the noods, chuck in a few more splashes of basically whatever sauces you used to make your marinade. In soy sauce we trust. 
  7. Chuck the cooked noodles in your pan and swirl them around lots to soak up the saucy goodness. 
  8. If at this point it’s looking a bit drink, add in more soy, fish/oyster sauce and/or peanut butter to taste. A tiny pinch of MSG would do wonders here. If you’ve gone overboard on the soy, use a squeeze of lemon or rice vinegar to balance out the dish. This intimate process is between you and your teaspoons, babe. 
  9. Serve in bowls, topped with cracked pepper, chilli flakes, crispy shallots and the remaining spring onion. 
This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2020.
Posted 9:35pm Thursday 17th September 2020 by Caroline Moratti and Alice Jones.