Archive

Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison.  Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Meghan Well blow me sideways and strap in for the Read more...

Advice On How To Be A Fifth Year And Increase Your Social Media Following

Posted 5:43pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

By the time you get to fifth year/5 years +, you find yourself living alone in St Clair or a random hill/valley somewhere else in Dunedin. Your Facebook page is rusty and as a cohort, you’re averaging 20 likes per Instagram post. While there is nothing wrong with living in the real world, Read more...

Dunedin Youth Orchestra Hit The Stage with 'Rhapsody in Blue'

Posted 3:25pm Tuesday 15th May 2018 by Ihlara McIndoe

The Dunedin Youth Orchestra’s “In Blue” concert coming up on Friday 18 May at 8.15pm at Hanover Hall offers a “really chill and super fun opportunity for students to get amongst some classic orchestra works” says Isaac Shatford, DYO’s featured soloist this Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week We Felt (Briefly) Sad for the ODT

Posted 4:49pm Sunday 13th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are seeking help for a problem sculpture that keeps popping up in their garden,   They tried cutting it in half, but then they jut had two worm sculptures to deal with.      Next, some words from Councillor Lee ‘Climate Change is Read more...

Popular Mark Ruffalos

Posted 9:56pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

The definitive list of the most popular Mark Ruffalos in North Dunedin this week Don Hewitt: Divorced, but still has a good relationship with your mum. Weirdly ripped. Runs a landscaping business. Bruce Banner: Obsessed with World War Two history. Sometimes you think he cares more about his Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 11

Posted 9:55pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

If you laid a blue whale in Wembley stadium end to end the game would be cancelled. The shape of Shapes cracker is called a ‘shape shape’ On average a person will eat eight spiders in their life if they like eating spiders  The "average person eats 8 spiders a Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Double The Fun

Posted 9:27pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

One thing I often hear is that students like their flats to have a ‘bit of character’ in their first couple of years flatting. ‘Character’ can often be synonymous with cold or crappy, because toughing it out in an old, cold flat is considered ‘character building,’ Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Shelley and John

Posted 9:26pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Shelley When Critic’s blind date Read more...

Jägermeister Doesn't Exist

Posted 9:06pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

There is no such thing as Jägermeister. It does not exist. It is a myth, concocted by a shadowy group within the government for the sole purpose of accustoming the masses to the taste of rat poison, so one day they can feed it to you and KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.  Think about it: have you Read more...

How to Know if You Should Take Yourself to the Doctors

Posted 8:28pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

It’s that time of year. Exams are nigh, Seasonal Affective Disorder is imminent, fruit is about to get so expensive you get scurvy and if you haven’t had chlamydia yet, chances are you might.  At this time of year, it is hard to know if you are actually sick (at least if Read more...

ODT Reporter Fired After Failing To Include A Single Pun In 10 Consecutive Stories

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Otago Daily Times local news reporter Barry O’Barrigan was terminated from his position last Thursday following reports that he had been deliberately and maliciously refusing to include wordplay or puns in any of his story headlines. Editor-In-Chief Barry Stewart pointed out one egregious Read more...

Student Gazes Into The Abyss After Being Asked to “Discuss With the Person Sitting Next to You”

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

It was an ordinary day for Rebecca Milnes. She was sitting in her lecture, floating in and out of sleep, contemplating nothing more than which riceball shop to go to for lunch and whether or not the stranger in front of her has nits. Bliss. Then it all went to shit. “Turn to the person sitting Read more...

Uni To Open 24/7 Bars In All Student Accommodation

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

In an attempt to prevent students from loitering on the streets at night, Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne has announced she will personally install 24/7 bars in all residential colleges, except St Marg’s and Carrington because they are massive nerds. Hayne claimed this move will ensure students Read more...

Local Graphic Designer Pays Rent With Exposure Earned From Latest Job

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Dunedin graphic designer Charlotte Troyer is absolutely stoked to be paying her first rent check with all that exposure she earned by providing hours of artwork to a new business. “Yeah, it’s great,” Charlotte told reporters. “The company I did the artwork for said that Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 10

Posted 6:58pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

The nose is the labrador of the face If you shout loud enough, you can hear your own voice Chalk is grown on the spiky, desert dwelling, chalk plant. This is why it is crumbly, like a desert Apple crumble is also grown in the depths of the desert, that is why it is crumbly like a Read more...

Critic Food Review | The Alternative Meat Co

Posted 5:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by David Emanuel

The Alternative Meat Co.’s fake chicken is everything that is wrong with 2018 all mulled into pieces of dense matter that tastes like stale farts and durries. Upon opening the packet of fake chicken you are greeted by what appears to be recycled pieces of Barbara Bush. But after a careful Read more...

The Critic Booze Reviews Guide to Craft Beer

Posted 5:20pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Thinking it’s time you grew up and started appreciating the finer things in life? Swilliam Shakesbeer breaks down how to sneak your way into the world of craft beer.   Don’t fuck with craft lagers Craft lagers are bullshit. The only reason they exist is for people that Read more...

Advice On How To Be A Solo Zen-Dog Traveller For A Year

Posted 5:07pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you’re trying to find yourself, a good place to look is Southeast Asia. If you want to make your trip last a lifetime, get a little tattoo on your wrist or ankle, as a symbol of your personal growth. Reconciling your basic bitch aesthetic with finding yourself while travelling is quite Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Vanessa and Barry B. Benson

Posted 4:22pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Vanessa I was walking back to my car after work Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 09

Posted 2:38am Monday 30th April 2018 by Critic

Antiherstamines are antihistamines for women Hersterectomies are hysterectomies for women His-t-erect-omies are hysterectomies for men Despite their reputation, cows are actually land mammals - they only go out to sea to die If you are making a cake and you don’t have enough eggs, Read more...

The Week the ODT Blurred a Naughty Word

Posted 2:25am Monday 30th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

We’ve got an ODT classic to start this week off   Reporting on things not happening is quintessential ODT.     Then, a gem from the ‘Secondary Scene’ section, where the ODT features essays from high schoolers because they can’t be bothered Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Posted 2:10am Monday 30th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

What’s better than this? Guys being dudes. Just two bros’, living their best life, getting married – but no homo though. Basically, Kevin James is in a spot of trouble in terms of pension payments following his wife’s death, and realizes he has no one to take care of his kids Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project – Where the Streets Have Many Names

Posted 2:09am Monday 30th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Puns, colloquialisms and obscure references to in-jokes are part and parcel of the practice of naming flats in Dunedin. Making reference to the environment the flat is situated in is a common theme with particular issues or features of the buildings highlighted, such as the colour or state of the Read more...

Tui Bourbon and Cola is a Disgrace

Posted 2:00am Monday 30th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui Bourbon & Cola is the worst of both worlds. Like combining Andrew Hore with thriving seal colonies. Or Mark Richardson and opinions on anything other than cricket. Or Israel Folau and his opinions on anything. It’s like Mike Hosking, Tony Veitch and Paul Holmes were ground up and mixed Read more...

Advice On How To Reinvent Yourself

Posted 6:53pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Moving to uni is the perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself. Sometimes we think reinventing yourself is a kind of awkward thing to do. As if everyone else would know how doobie you used to be, and that they’d see through your new sheen of me-ness. Well, maybe. But also, whatever. You can Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Bonnie and Clyde

Posted 6:48pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Bonnie My night started off with me drinking scrumpy Read more...

Clarke Gayford to Step Down from Spending Time with Family to Spend More Time with Family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

Following explosive reports from the NZ Herald that he was “cringey,” and “had an e at the end of his name,” Clarke Gayford has stepped down from his unelected, unpaid public role. “I can’t continue in my position as a ‘guy who likes fishing and banging Read more...

David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...

Middle-Aged Meth Head Thinks She Can Fit in at Student Party

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

A woman notably older than everyone else has turned up to a low-key student party on Cargill Street. Invited in by some really drunk people at the front gate who failed to notice her faded Monster Energy Drink branded hoodie, she has worked her way into someone’s bedroom and has begun sidling Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

Manhunt for Jaywalker Enters 48th Hour

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

A citywide search for a criminal crosser has been ongoing since Tuesday afternoon. Dunedin crimester Mathew Denys was spotted crossing the road without a green man by a concerned citizen who contacted police. Police Constable James Everest said “we’ve come close to catching him a few Read more...

Man Returns From Dead to Ask: “U Up?”

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

Several mourners of late Dunedin man Chaz Chadderson (19) were shocked to receive a text from him at 2am on Sunday morning. Chadderson, an active participant in the Dunedin community, had been memorialised after he went missing and was assumed dead. Kelsey Summers, Bianca Laurens, Patricia Read more...

Student Claims 1/64th Heritage to Justify Offensive Hyde St Costume

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

“I’ve been on Ancestry.com, that means I can dress like a chola,” claims local third year student Becky Kane upon purchasing her Hyde St keg party costume. Kane justified her lazily stereotypical costume of a Mexican drug cartel member through “watching Narcos” and Read more...

Post Facts | Issue 08

Posted 8:52pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

You can bring up any baby animal underwater and it will learn to breath like a fish “Nippy” means cold because all nipples are inherently cold A conversation between three people is called a tri-alouge A provisional conversation between three people is called a trial-alouge A Read more...

Dr Nick | Climate Change, and What You Can Do to Help

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Dr. Nick

The world’s climate is changing. “Once in 100 years” storms now seem to be happening yearly. Flooding is becoming increasingly common. Ski conditions are a shell of what they once were. Climate change is here. While the conversation used to be about how to prevent it, the question Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Adam Sandler Himself

Posted 7:49pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Time to get real with you all. Uni is kicking my ass right now. I’m behind on my work and the last thing I want to do is waste two hours of my time reviewing another shitty Adam Sandler film. I started reading my reviews in his voice as if he was mocking me. The other night I couldn’t Read more...

Critic Food Review | Ginger Kisses

Posted 7:45pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Ginger kisses contain both gingers and kisses, blended together in some sort of large grinder, which surely can’t be ethical. Both gingers and kisses are average on their own, but when combined they become equal to the sum of their parts. In Poland in 1942 one lucky solider, Gretchilio Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Staying in Touch

Posted 7:42pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

As long as student flats have been named, students have communicated their identity in a number of ways – in addition to hanging a shingle out the front of the house, that is. These means of identification go hand in hand with the communications technology of the time. Way back in 1991, I paid Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Correctly Identified a Cucumber

Posted 6:22pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are pondering a question   Simple: Presbyterians, Vegetarians, Finns and anyone whose surname includes the letter J. But nobody else!     Next, the ODT forgot the difference between past and present tense   It “was” to Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Wonder Woman The Critic blind date seems to have a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | How to Give it to That Git in the Middle of the U-Bar Mosh

Posted 6:03pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Pint night is the old-but-kinda-nouveau-new thing for those who are keen on a social Wednesday evening. Because of this, the U-Bar mosh is arguably the most sociologically significant location for Dunedin students. There is an important code of etiquette to partaking in the mosh, so freshers listen Read more...

Corona Tastes Like Nothing

Posted 5:58pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Corona is popular. No understatement, Corona is like herpes, because every third person in the room has it, and it’s usually a fuckboi. Like a dude passed out on the couch and a girl crying on the verandha, Corona is the permanent staple of every flat party. They’re nice to drink, but Read more...

Animal Research Lab Discovers Stab Wounds Are Deadly for Many Marine Animals

Posted 11:23pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

University of Otago zoology researchers have reported groundbreaking findings with the help of the new Animal Research Lab. According to a study by professor John Radlow, many marine animals, including salmon, trout, squid, and penguins, were found to be highly susceptible to injury and/or death Read more...

“Nice Guys Always Finish Last,” Says Man Who Regularly Calls Women “Cunts” on the Internet

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

“Bitches and sluts these days only wanna date jerks. No luck for nice guys like me,” said local man Brandon Lee in an internet rant yesterday. Lee, who is known for his extremist political opinions, anime fandom, and general unpleasantness, complained bitterly about “always being Read more...

Hyde Street Lad Revamps Wardrobe by Adding Second Pair of Jandals

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

Boomer Jenkins, a third year lad and resident at The Chum Bucket on Hyde Street, has announced a new look for the fall season. After blowing out his Student Life Jandals, Boomer invested in a slick blue and white pair from the Kmart $4 section. “I like to keep things fresh,” Boomer Read more...

Aspiring Songwriter Discovers Metaphor About Love and Drugs

Posted 11:19pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

In the middle of a four hour weed-fuelled songwriting blitz, local musician Kezza Richards wrote a line he believes will “fucking change the game bro”. In what may be a first for the music industry, Kezza has drawn an analogy between the emotion of love and certain illegal mind-altering Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 07

Posted 10:53pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

Raisins are dehydrated mouse brains Mouse brains are dehydrated mouse brains Human brains are hydrated pineapples Steve Buscemi is the slowly decaying corpse of Adam Sandler’s original body Green pens are better for the environment Octopus ink is octopus stink Jesus is the Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | Jack and Jill

Posted 10:28pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Honestly, following the shit show that was That’s My Boy last week, I feel at the end of my tether with this fucking column. Adam Sandler is beginning to ruin my life. Every week I question my morals and reevaluate my life as I have to choose another Sandler film to watch. Why have I subjected Read more...

Food Reviews | Lisa's Hummus

Posted 10:26pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by David Emanuel

Hummus is the best thing to come out of the Middle East since oil. Lisa’s Hummus is a sure-fire way to add an exotic blast to any average student meal. Its wonderful flavour hits your tongue like an airstrike. Nobody quite knows who actually invented hummus, but what we can be sure about is Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Six60 Flat

Posted 10:24pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Seven years ago on a rainy Monday morning in Christchurch, I picked up the phone and called Ji Fraser from Six60, to interview him about his band, named after their flat at 660 Castle Street. When I asked him about how he found flatting in Dunedin, he responded diplomatically: “Flats are not Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Cleanskin Pinot Gris

Posted 10:22pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cleanskin Pinot Gris is a playful number that dances gently on the taste buds and fills the room with laughter. Of course, by “dance,” I mean “stomp” and by “laughter” I mean “screams of pain”. Cleanskin takes all the leftover backwash from all the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Minnie and Mickey

Posted 10:20pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Minnie The night started nervously at 7:00 pm with a fine bottle Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | How to Win Every Drinking Game

Posted 10:18pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you exist in or around North Dunedin and are somewhere between 18 and 24 years of age, drinking games are gonna be an essential part of your life.   Most of us can’t remember our first drinking game, and that’s because a lot of us didn’t have someone to advise us on how Read more...

The Week the ODT Didn’t Know What a Bridge Was

Posted 10:05pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we have a dramatic encounter   The ODT was facing up against their nemesis: the concept of “fun”.     The ODT have noticed a problem   Oh no. Not the biting spiders, why can’t it be the singing Read more...

Advice on How to Advise People That Now Really Isn’t the Time.

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Sometimes, even the people you are closest to get your knickers in a twist. Sometimes you want to be polite to them and avoid them. And sometimes they don’t even deserve that sort of evasive kindness. Now we’re not suggesting you get it out in a fisticuffs brawl at Castle St on Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry

Posted 10:45pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Meghan It was 7pm. I’m sitting on the couch in my sweaty Read more...

Dr Nick | Developmental Origins – The Sickness of Poverty

Posted 10:41pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Dr. Nick

Easter has come and gone, which means that Dunedin is about to get a lot colder, and students are about to get a lot sicker. The combination of low Dunedin temperatures, a complete lack of insulation in Dunedin flats, plus some very questionable student diets significantly increases the risk of Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Being Something You’re Not

Posted 10:37pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Flats with names like Dunedin Police Department, Department of Corrections, and Bed and Breakfast, had homemade signs and were obviously not what they claimed to be. Sometimes signs, like Dunedin Casino or the Glenorchy Tavern or Speight’s, have been “acquired”. There are a couple Read more...

Food Reviews | Mainland Edam Cheese

Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by David Emanuel

Mainland’s Edam 1kg block is the cheese of the people (when it’s on special at the same price as the budget stuff). It is a staple of both the upper and working classes, and that strange place at the bottom of the social hierarchy that students occupy. It is to the purveyor of simple but Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | That's My Boy

Posted 10:31pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

OOOOOH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT. NO. NOPE. NO. NO. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS FILM EXISTS. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ENRAGED AND DISGUSTED AND CONFUSED AT THE SAME TIME. WORDS CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW TERRIBLE THIS FILM IS. FUCKING HELL ADAM SANDLER, WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS? FOR REAL THE Read more...

Drinking Victoria Bitter Makes You a Bad Person

Posted 10:29pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Victoria Bitter is the most embarrassing thing about Australian cricket right now. With all the shenanigans going on, a review of this atrocity seemed appropriate. Watching Davey Warner cry was about as awesome as the first time I got a boner, and twice as satisfying. Cutting straight to the Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Did Exactly What They Always Do

Posted 10:07pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

The ODT’s actions this week are shrouded in secrecy       Then some classic ODT whinging   ‘It’s bad, but has been worse’ is both the ODT’s catchphrase and a good description of them.       In classic Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 06

Posted 9:54pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

Anteaters don’t actually eat ants, they just give them a little ride on their tongue It’s illegal to eat party mix if you’re not having a party One square of toilet paper is exactly enough paper for a dolphin to choke to death on Wombs are reverse tombs The Dunedin Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 06

Posted 9:51pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Queen does the washing-up once a year. There’s a special hut at Balmoral for her to do it in. Fighter pilots in stressful situations release such large amounts of hormones that they may ejaculate. German city Trier has replaced some of its crosswalk lights with tiny images of Karl Read more...

Experts Confirm Grant Robertson Would Be Fucking Great to Get on the Piss with

Posted 9:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Minister of Finance has been assessed by experts who have confirmed that he would be able to sink a lot of piss and entertain people with his belly laughs. Robertson confirmed this, saying “Yeah, fucking oath. I’m an old school rooster.” The former OUSA President said he only Read more...

DCC Planning Controversial Merger with Comics Giant DC

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

In a move that is angering fans of the local government authority, the Dunedin City Council has announced a merger with Detective Comics. “Nothing in the DC Universe persuades me that they have any respect for city councils,” said one die-hard fan of the DCC. “Their Read more...

Ed Sheeran Says Dunedin ‘Kinda Clingy’

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Mel Ansell

Ed Sheeran is reportedly “disturbed” by Dunedin misinterpreting his desire for a one-weekend no holds barred, no strings attached song-fest. He said he’d come to Dunedin making it clear he was only here for “a good time, not a long time”. It was unusual for Sheeran to Read more...

The ODT’s Most Punishing Ed Sheeran Puns

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Joel MacManus

Readers of the ODT this week were bombarded with a barrage of the highest form of humour known to the ODT’s reporters – painfully forced puns.      The first ever Ed Sheeran pun in the ODT, from way back when the tour was first announced. No one could’ve Read more...

Bosch, 3M in Bidding War to be Official Sandpaper Sponsor of Australian Cricket Team

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Industrial Sandpaper companies Bosch and 3M are reportedly in a heated bidding war over the coveted sandpaper sponsorship rights for the Australian cricket team.  While in recent years the sandpaper supplier has been considered a low-level sponsorship deal, the deal is considered Read more...

Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown

Posted 12:39pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he actually likes the taste of notoriously cheap and nasty beer Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” When asked what inspired his Read more...

For a Building, UniPol Is Looking Super Judgy Right Now

Posted 12:28pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Man, UniPol is totally looking like an asshole right now. Shut your stupid face, you dumb building. I don’t even care, it’s just a pizza. OK, it’s like the third straight day I’ve had pizza. And this is three straight nights of drinking. Still, I’m an adult. Shut up, Read more...

Man Left Embarrassed After Yet Again Failing to Find the Vagina

Posted 12:27pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

“Up a bit, no, too high. Fuck it, I’ll put it in myself then,” a Dunedin man’s partner was overheard loudly exclaiming during one of their bi-monthly hanky-panky sessions. The man, whose meaty highlighter reportedly shrunk to a chewed pencil stub with shame, told the Read more...

Mature Student Has an Interesting Life Story to Share With All 200 People in Lecture

Posted 12:24pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

The entire class of LAWS101 considered themselves lucky on Tuesday, after mature student Edith van Borkel treated them all to a fascinating and highly informative tale about her own life. Everyone was enthralled as she spent a full eight minutes describing her son’s brief encounter with the Read more...

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship

Posted 12:22pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was added by local girl Moira June, Mannering swooped into the comments, implying that York had been sexually interested in Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 05

Posted 11:37pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Report: Most Snapchat Group Snaps Are Just Hungover Dudes Talking About How Hungover They Are According to figures released by Snap Inc, upwards of 80% of male Snapchat group conversations are just dudes lying in bed dying of alcohol poisoning the night after they all got drunk together. Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 05

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

In his lecture notes, Stephen Hawking wrote “Galeelaeo” and “Ahristottal” so that his speech synthesizer would pronounce the scientists’ names correctly. The term “slapstick” comes from a device used in 16th-century Italian stage comedy — a stick Read more...

The Post Fact World | Issue 05

Posted 10:49pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Paper is made out of trees, therefore books must be made out of very big trees Sunglasses are actually made to shield the sun from our harsh, judgy eyes ‘Vagina’, ‘vulture’ and ‘vuvuzela’ all come from the same Greek word meaning ‘scary’ Salad Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Were Full of Themselves

Posted 9:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week, the ODT has a vey high opinion of themselves indeed.  There’s nothing more “eminent” and “witty” than talking about how eminent and witty you are.     Desperate to live up to their self-awarded wittiness, the ODT then engaged Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...

Simple Recipes for Simple People: BLTs

Posted 8:44pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Lachie Robertson

BLTs are the Conrad Smith of feeds. Not underrated, because everyone froths them, but also not everyone’s first thought when it comes to the all-time greats. They’re fucking good though, the whole package really. Whether we’re talking flat dinners, hungover feeds or a 3 am Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Big Daddy

Posted 8:41pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In all honesty, I’ve been waiting to review this film merely because I love the thought of having “Adam Sandler” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. “Big Daddy” is shit. God, it’s such a terrible film. This film makes absolutely no fucking sense. Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Who Gnomes About Pussy Planet?

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Not far from the 24 hour dairy on George Street stands a large two storey weatherboard house that has been converted to a 7 bedroom flat. For many years it has had a name, possibly as long as a decade, but last year’s residents made what may be its very first sign. Of the more than 500 Read more...

Who the Fuck Even Was Stephen Hawking?

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Stephen Hawking died last week on the 14th of March 2018. He was arguably one of the most well-known scientists of the last half century. He was even something of a pop culture icon, with appearances in “The Simpsons,” “Futurama,” and more. Most white, male scientists are Read more...

Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar

Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | Advice on Sending It

Posted 8:26pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you are reading this thinking we’re about to deliver some absolute pearlers on how to be the most productive you you’ve ever been, you’re about to be more disappointed than hearing certain presidential election results. To be utterly frank, we operate purely off mantras. Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Drake and Josh

Posted 8:19pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Drake I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 04

Posted 10:55pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

John Lennon and George Harrison once got a bus across Liverpool to visit a man who could teach them the chord B7. In the late Middle Ages, books were so valuable that libraries would chain them to the bookcase. This was widely practiced until the 18th century. Ladybird sex sessions can last Read more...

14 Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Post Malone

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Post Malone translates in Latin as “after-dinner mints” Post Malone is named after Posts Malone, a fencing company in Malone, Florida A “Malone” is a male lone Post Malone and Childish Gambino are actually Siamese twins Post Malone is the only person to ever be 77 Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Smoked Some Weed and Told Ghost Stories

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we jump right into the high-octane world of the ODT’s opinion section. Riveting, absolutely riveting.     Next, I imagine the ODT gazing out of a window running aesthetically with rain while Bic Runga plays in the background, pondering the muses Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 04

Posted 10:11pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Lecturer Tells IT Person to Get Fucked He’s had it. After ten years of computers, OHPs and sound systems not working in lectures, a brave lecturer has finally told a patronising member of the IT support staff to get fucked. Students in the first year class couldn’t believe what Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Happy Gilmore

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We are literally only four weeks into this column and I must admit, I’m starting to feel defeated. I genuinely do not understand him. Half of me believes that he is the greatest mastermind of all time, producing the same slightly altered content to rake in the money, and the other half Read more...

Critic Food Review | Cadbury Creme Egg

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Many believe that the art of painting hard boiled eggs in spring time was a pagan ritual that represented new life, fertility and rebirth. Many others believe that Christians stole the ritual, rebranded it and related it to the resurrection of Christ. Others suspect, thanks to da Vinci’s Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Signs of Sex

Posted 9:29pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

There is a prevalent sexual theme running through the history of Dunedin’s named flats, though on analysis it is a minority. No doubt the thematic vein of possibilities has not been thoroughly mined. The sexual references in flat names tend broadly to people’s bits, things related to Read more...

Hi, Dr Nick | The Love Hormone?

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland; a hormone-producing gland that is located at the base of the brain. In recent years it has been referred to as the “love” hormone, the “cuddle” hormone, and just about everything else positive under Read more...

Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”

Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...

The Definitive Guide to Talking About The Sex That You Or Other People Are Having

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Here’s the thing with sex – like most things you will do in your life, it’s going to be good, it’s going to be bad, and it will often seem like a good idea when you’re drunk. But, just like getting sex advice from your well-meaning father, you don’t need to always Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Nakia and T'Challa

Posted 9:16pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Nakia I’ve heard some tragic stories about these blind dates, but what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? After months of good old peer pressure from the girls, I thought I’d spice up my life and finally gave in. I made quite the entrance when my friend dropped me Read more...

Is this the ODT's worst ever headline pun?

Posted 11:41am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT have tried to force a pun even worse than usual, Ah yes, because “brass” was used to indicate coinage in the Victorian era, and caulis (the commonly used abbreviation of cauliflower) are becoming more expensive, and cauliflowers are brassicas. It writes Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 03

Posted 11:11am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Critic

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was Read more...