Archive

Love is Blind | Jeff Goldblum and Ellie Sattler

Posted 5:14pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Jeff Goldblum With great penis comes great Read more...

The Week the ODT’s Opinion Section Really Outdid Itself

Posted 8:23pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on a truly marvellous occurrence.      Because of their bad behaviour, Santa normally just skips Balclutha, Milton, and Gore, stops briefly in Invercargill to give Tim Shadbolt his present, and then goes on to Stewart Island, Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups 2

Posted 6:44pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We’re coming to the end of our time here reviewing Adam Sandler films, so I decided to save the best few till last. I’ve had a lot of requests for this particular film, as it is often noted to be one of the peaks of Sandler’s filmography. This film is 104 minutes of pure bliss. Read more...

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine Is Genuinely Going To Kill Someone

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine is genuinely going to kill someone. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna fucking die. It’s absurdly cheap, at $8.99 for a bottle with 6.9 standards – pretty much as good as you can get in the world of Read more...

Love is Blind | Campus and Watch

Posted 6:38pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Campus The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Kell, How Do I Stop Procrastinating?

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Procrastination is spending time doing what you’d rather be doing. To make your procrastination more efficient, ensure you properly plan your procrastination (this is called procrasti-planning).  Procrastination is inevitable so why not make it healthy? E.g. Procrasta-run, or if you Read more...

The Week the ODT Yet Again Chose to Give a Racist a Platform

Posted 4:03pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

If you’ve ever wondered how we manage to write ODT Watch, let the ODT itself explain,     This week the ODT have tightened up on giving absolutely any clues as to an article’s contents in the headline.     [insert joke here; I’ve given Read more...

How to Make the Strongest Edibles Possible

Posted 1:59pm Friday 14th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Before actually making edibles, you have to decarboxylate, or ‘activate’ your weed by heating it; this transforms the non-psychoactive THC-A into psychoactive THC. When activating your weed you’ve got to be careful to heat it up enough so it properly activates, but also be careful Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Bedtime Stories

Posted 1:57pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Read more...

Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it.  It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...

Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle

Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?

Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill

Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly.      Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting.  To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended

Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...

Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...

Love is Blind | Laura and James

Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Laura:  I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis

We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...

The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography

Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs.     There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

There are two options: 1. Don’t  1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...

Pesto and Broccoli Pasta

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you.  1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...

Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable

Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard.  I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy

Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This has been a difficult week for the ODT.     They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off   Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks.     It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard

Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...

Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta

Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...

Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy

Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...

Love is Blind | Miri and Zach

Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...

The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up

Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves.     Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind.    A gem from the Regions section.     “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...

How To Scramble Eggs

Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...

Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Cream Liqueur Is A Sexy, Sweet & Succulent Treat

Posted 4:49pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Booze and milky fluids don’t typically go together at the same time – rather, they’re typically separated by a few hours when you’re deep-throating your flatmate’s cousin in the backseat of his Nissan Sentra. Creamy, chocolaty, and a smooth 17%, Lewis Road Creamery Read more...

Love is Blind | Ritchie and Gemma

Posted 4:32pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Ritchie  Self-respect, confidence, and the Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?

Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics.  The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look Read more...

The Week the ODT Wasn’t Angry, Just Disappointed

Posted 8:16pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

The ODT have been feeling a bit down this week.   Are you ok ODT?   Later, Deputy Editor Paul “Barry” Gorman was upset after asking for people to send in their embarrassing stories.    I don’t know what Barry’s doing with the Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | What The Hell Has Happened To Me?

Posted 6:59pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Holy fuck. Adam Sandler has a music career. Adam Sandler has released five different comedy albums. Who the fuck is this man.     Hey guys, Henthony Griffano here, the Critic’s busiest Adam Sandler nerd. Now I’ll be honest, I forgot to watch a film this Read more...

Little Fat Lamb Ginger Beer Tastes Like A Bitch Slap From Hell

Posted 6:57pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Little Fat Lamb has personally victimised more residents of North Dunedin than the cold, Health Science, and a drunk Caitlin Barlow-Groome combined. I opted for the classic ginger beer, a sour, vinegary-sweet concoction that would probably taste better if it still had a dead snail in it (shoutout Read more...

Love Is Blind | Cindy and Clarkie

Posted 6:54pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Cindy Mentally prepared to spend a few hours getting Read more...

The Week the ODT Told a Lie About South Dunedin

Posted 4:00pm Friday 27th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Sometimes readers expect too much of the ODT, so they’ve started adding warning labels.        And just in case that didn’t get through, they repeated it on the next page.        The ODT have been taking more than the usual Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

I think after the highs that were The Wedding Singer and Billy Maddison, I was feeling too optimistic about Adam Sandler’s talents as a cultural icon. But now we’re plummeting back down to ground level, for a film that I don’t even know how to describe – You Don’t Mess Read more...

Dr Sash | Is Oral Sex Safe?

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Doctor Sash

A common misconception that society faces regarding sexual health is that oral sex is safe. Some people don’t even consider oral sex a risky sexual behaviour. Why? Mainly because we've always been told that safe sex involves genitalia and wearing a condom. The efforts of social media have Read more...

How To Be a Less Shit Cook | Onion Dip

Posted 6:24pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Have you been searching for the perfect food to serve friends on any occasion? Look no further because the classic kiwi onion dip is undoubtedly the GOAT. It combines delicious flavours with luscious textures while maintaining a balance of simplicity and flair. One of its best features is that even Read more...

Tsingtao is Fucking Awful. There, I Said It.

Posted 6:21pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tsingtao is an absurdly popular and massively selling beer. It’s the pride of the Chinese export market, and beloved by expats and fans around the world.  I have no idea why, because it’s fucking awful.  When I was 17 I went to Hong Kong and got really excited because I Read more...

Love Is Blind | Sally and Harry

Posted 6:08pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Sally After a four-month dry spell my standards have Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, It’s Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?

Posted 6:06pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

First we need to identify what you mean when you refer to a spoon. Do you mean a teaspoon, a utensil used for the movement of liquid to mouth, do you mean to hit a ball in a slow lobbing fashion, or do you mean a body you can lie down next to, and kind of reverse your arse into? We’re Read more...

The Week the ODT Thought of Something Very Clever

Posted 9:43pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

While the ODT have always been known for their fascination with life’s most banal moments, this week they sunk to a new low when the entire staff was enraptured by a new type of grass.     Then, we found an amazing section called “Wordways,” where the ODT Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Billy Madison

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Before starting this week’s review, I would like to take this time to declare that I am officially sick. Now I’m not blaming anyone in particular, but I think Rob Schneider is involved somehow (I feel like he’s the kinda dude that wouldn’t sneeze into his elbow). I am Read more...

Everyone Fries Chicken Wrong and You Need to Stop

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

If there’s one mistake that you’ll see over and over again from newbie cooks in Dunedin’s student flats, it’s awful chicken. You know the kind – cubes of grey-ish white, bland, tough meat that nobody enjoys. Chicken is fucking delicious, but if you’re frying it Read more...

Scrumpy Is an Arsehole of a Drink

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Scrumpy is an arsehole of a drink. It’s the fake friend who pretends to be your mate, and then talks shit about you to all of your friends and family (I’m talking about you, Steve). It’s labelled sweet, but it’s as sour as my ex that one time I took her to Macca’s on Read more...

Love Is Blind | Scarfie and Scaffolder

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Scarfie  This was a terrible idea. I’m a Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I’m throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?

Posted 6:27pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Make sure you clear the entire day, even if the party starts late in the morning at like 5pm. And always have a bevvie or two before your guests arrive so your guests know that you’re out for a fun time and not just out to be a control freak.  Red cards need a unique theme. For Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | The Wedding Singer

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In the last review I wrote, I talked about how Adam Sandler’s filmography can be divided into Old Age and New Wave. After diving into New Wave Sandler with Grown Ups, it seems only reasonable to take it back a notch, to let’s say 1985, to examine peak Old Age Sandler. Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Urinated All Over Tauranga

Posted 6:18pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. This week the ODT is reporting on some ground-breaking research,       In sinister news,     I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings; I know how this ends.      Next, the ODT wrote a front page story about Read more...

Let’s Talk About Syphilis

Posted 5:28pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Doctor Sash

Back in the day, syphilis was one of the most common sexually transmissible infections (STIs), with around 1 in 10 people contracting it. Without treatment syphilis can kill, in fact it was responsible for the deaths of Oscar Wilde and Al Capone. Thankfully along came penicillin, which can cure the Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook | Gnocchi

Posted 5:26pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Gnocchi has got to be just about the most filling thing on the face of the planet. No matter how much you think you’re gonna need, you’re going to be feeling like UBar on Wednesday before you get halfway through your plate.  The thing about gnocchi is that you can pretty much Read more...

If You See A Mate Drinking Atlas Super Strong 12%, Call The Poison Hotline

Posted 5:20pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help. By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Read more...

Love Is Blind | Caitlin and Cam

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Caitlin About a year ago I sent Critic a drunk Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Adopted Outdated Yorkshire Idiom

Posted 11:11pm Sunday 8th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. In case you missed it, the ODT have been up to their old tricks over the break. Yip. You missed nothing.      So the ODT has a column called “Ask a Scientist” where readers send in questions and a scientist answers them. Or apparently just Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

That’s right, you guessed it. It’s a new semester, a new me, and I’m already back on my old bullshit. Uni got a bit too much at the end of last semester and I was getting very overwhelmed by how much Adam Sandler I had to watch. But we’re back with a set fresh of eyes to look Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Takeaway-Style Butter Chicken

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

The luxurious, creamy sweet feel of a takeaway butter chicken is an indescribably gorgeous sensory experience that combines the eroticism of a soft titty-fucking with the comfort of Frank Ocean singing a lullaby.  For years I’ve dreamed of the day when I could say ‘Fuck the Read more...

Nitro Is Not Safe For Human Consumption

Posted 9:44pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Nitro is a kick up the arse from a big, heavy boot made of pure methamphetamine. The fact that this drink even exists is evidence enough that the human race is destined to destroy itself.  Let’s break it down. At its core, Nitro is a fairly simple cocktail of vodka and orange soda Read more...

Love Is Blind | Yoko and John

Posted 9:41pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Yoko I knew I was either going to have the best night Read more...

Dear Aunty Kells and Mama Zo: I can never seem to find the right shampoo for my hair. How do you choose the right one?

Posted 9:38pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Doing the weekly flat shop is at its absolute worst when you’ve run out of conditioner and shampoo, your flatties are trying to get through the check-out, you’re still looking at shampoo, having an existential crisis “AM I NORMAL, IS MY HAIR NORMAL?!” figuring out what Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week ODT Watch Was Leaked the ODT’s Biannual External Review

Posted 2:16am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore

Sources within the ODT have confirmed that Editor Barry Fitzbarry has spent the last week laughing at the moon and hosting debaucherous orgies in the ODT boardroom, assuming that because Critic has been dealing with international media attention (your time will come, ODT), we’d be too busy to Read more...

The Post Fact World | Issue 13

Posted 1:02am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore

In 2018 a bill was passed to change MENstruation, to PEOPLEstruation. The airport was originally called the plane station until Hugh Grant fucked up his voice over in 2003’s Love Actually and no one was willing to admit the then-heart throb was incorrect.  Campus Watch was Read more...

Kingfisher Premium Lager is a Sneaky Bastard

Posted 7:50pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Every week I’m tempted by the same tantalising offer. This sultry temptress is not that hot fresher at 10 Bar, but instead twelve 5% beers for $22. I am of course talking about Kingfisher Premium Lager. This beer created in India is cheap, easy to drink, and much like its slogan (“The Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Shakira and Kanye

Posted 7:44pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Shakira  On a chilly Thursday night, Read more...

Critic Food Review | Twinings English Breakfast Tea

Posted 7:40pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by David Emanuel

Twinings English Breakfast Tea is the opposing force to 2018, our last hope before we descend into complete censorship. It is important to clarify that every year the big wigs who write the Oxford English Dictionary add a new word to the dictionary to represent the feeling of the times. This year Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Let Themselves Down

Posted 9:07pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

We’re disappointed in the ODT this week. They missed an obvious pun. Alternative headline: “Post shops to become post-post shops.” Are you ok Barry (I assume your name’s Barry)? Is your strained relationship with your wife and your growing isolation from your children Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Signmaker

Posted 5:47pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Some students and landlords commission the construction of signs, usually from a commercial outfit, but a new (to me, at least) market has emerged. A few years ago I caught up with Jasper, at the time a fourth year law student, who for the previous three years had been making flat signs on Read more...

Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison.  Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Meghan Well blow me sideways and strap in for the Read more...

Advice On How To Be A Fifth Year And Increase Your Social Media Following

Posted 5:43pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

By the time you get to fifth year/5 years +, you find yourself living alone in St Clair or a random hill/valley somewhere else in Dunedin. Your Facebook page is rusty and as a cohort, you’re averaging 20 likes per Instagram post. While there is nothing wrong with living in the real world, Read more...

Dunedin Youth Orchestra Hit The Stage with 'Rhapsody in Blue'

Posted 3:25pm Tuesday 15th May 2018 by Ihlara McIndoe

The Dunedin Youth Orchestra’s “In Blue” concert coming up on Friday 18 May at 8.15pm at Hanover Hall offers a “really chill and super fun opportunity for students to get amongst some classic orchestra works” says Isaac Shatford, DYO’s featured soloist this Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week We Felt (Briefly) Sad for the ODT

Posted 4:49pm Sunday 13th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are seeking help for a problem sculpture that keeps popping up in their garden,   They tried cutting it in half, but then they jut had two worm sculptures to deal with.      Next, some words from Councillor Lee ‘Climate Change is Read more...

Popular Mark Ruffalos

Posted 9:56pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

The definitive list of the most popular Mark Ruffalos in North Dunedin this week Don Hewitt: Divorced, but still has a good relationship with your mum. Weirdly ripped. Runs a landscaping business. Bruce Banner: Obsessed with World War Two history. Sometimes you think he cares more about his Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 11

Posted 9:55pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

If you laid a blue whale in Wembley stadium end to end the game would be cancelled. The shape of Shapes cracker is called a ‘shape shape’ On average a person will eat eight spiders in their life if they like eating spiders  The "average person eats 8 spiders a Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Double The Fun

Posted 9:27pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

One thing I often hear is that students like their flats to have a ‘bit of character’ in their first couple of years flatting. ‘Character’ can often be synonymous with cold or crappy, because toughing it out in an old, cold flat is considered ‘character building,’ Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Shelley and John

Posted 9:26pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Shelley When Critic’s blind date Read more...

Jägermeister Doesn't Exist

Posted 9:06pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

There is no such thing as Jägermeister. It does not exist. It is a myth, concocted by a shadowy group within the government for the sole purpose of accustoming the masses to the taste of rat poison, so one day they can feed it to you and KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.  Think about it: have you Read more...

How to Know if You Should Take Yourself to the Doctors

Posted 8:28pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

It’s that time of year. Exams are nigh, Seasonal Affective Disorder is imminent, fruit is about to get so expensive you get scurvy and if you haven’t had chlamydia yet, chances are you might.  At this time of year, it is hard to know if you are actually sick (at least if Read more...

ODT Reporter Fired After Failing To Include A Single Pun In 10 Consecutive Stories

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Otago Daily Times local news reporter Barry O’Barrigan was terminated from his position last Thursday following reports that he had been deliberately and maliciously refusing to include wordplay or puns in any of his story headlines. Editor-In-Chief Barry Stewart pointed out one egregious Read more...

Student Gazes Into The Abyss After Being Asked to “Discuss With the Person Sitting Next to You”

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

It was an ordinary day for Rebecca Milnes. She was sitting in her lecture, floating in and out of sleep, contemplating nothing more than which riceball shop to go to for lunch and whether or not the stranger in front of her has nits. Bliss. Then it all went to shit. “Turn to the person sitting Read more...

Uni To Open 24/7 Bars In All Student Accommodation

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

In an attempt to prevent students from loitering on the streets at night, Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne has announced she will personally install 24/7 bars in all residential colleges, except St Marg’s and Carrington because they are massive nerds. Hayne claimed this move will ensure students Read more...

Local Graphic Designer Pays Rent With Exposure Earned From Latest Job

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Dunedin graphic designer Charlotte Troyer is absolutely stoked to be paying her first rent check with all that exposure she earned by providing hours of artwork to a new business. “Yeah, it’s great,” Charlotte told reporters. “The company I did the artwork for said that Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 10

Posted 6:58pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

The nose is the labrador of the face If you shout loud enough, you can hear your own voice Chalk is grown on the spiky, desert dwelling, chalk plant. This is why it is crumbly, like a desert Apple crumble is also grown in the depths of the desert, that is why it is crumbly like a Read more...

Critic Food Review | The Alternative Meat Co

Posted 5:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by David Emanuel

The Alternative Meat Co.’s fake chicken is everything that is wrong with 2018 all mulled into pieces of dense matter that tastes like stale farts and durries. Upon opening the packet of fake chicken you are greeted by what appears to be recycled pieces of Barbara Bush. But after a careful Read more...

The Critic Booze Reviews Guide to Craft Beer

Posted 5:20pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Thinking it’s time you grew up and started appreciating the finer things in life? Swilliam Shakesbeer breaks down how to sneak your way into the world of craft beer.   Don’t fuck with craft lagers Craft lagers are bullshit. The only reason they exist is for people that Read more...

Advice On How To Be A Solo Zen-Dog Traveller For A Year

Posted 5:07pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you’re trying to find yourself, a good place to look is Southeast Asia. If you want to make your trip last a lifetime, get a little tattoo on your wrist or ankle, as a symbol of your personal growth. Reconciling your basic bitch aesthetic with finding yourself while travelling is quite Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Vanessa and Barry B. Benson

Posted 4:22pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Vanessa I was walking back to my car after work Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 09

Posted 2:38am Monday 30th April 2018 by Critic

Antiherstamines are antihistamines for women Hersterectomies are hysterectomies for women His-t-erect-omies are hysterectomies for men Despite their reputation, cows are actually land mammals - they only go out to sea to die If you are making a cake and you don’t have enough eggs, Read more...

The Week the ODT Blurred a Naughty Word

Posted 2:25am Monday 30th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

We’ve got an ODT classic to start this week off   Reporting on things not happening is quintessential ODT.     Then, a gem from the ‘Secondary Scene’ section, where the ODT features essays from high schoolers because they can’t be bothered Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Posted 2:10am Monday 30th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

What’s better than this? Guys being dudes. Just two bros’, living their best life, getting married – but no homo though. Basically, Kevin James is in a spot of trouble in terms of pension payments following his wife’s death, and realizes he has no one to take care of his kids Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project – Where the Streets Have Many Names

Posted 2:09am Monday 30th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Puns, colloquialisms and obscure references to in-jokes are part and parcel of the practice of naming flats in Dunedin. Making reference to the environment the flat is situated in is a common theme with particular issues or features of the buildings highlighted, such as the colour or state of the Read more...

Tui Bourbon and Cola is a Disgrace

Posted 2:00am Monday 30th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui Bourbon & Cola is the worst of both worlds. Like combining Andrew Hore with thriving seal colonies. Or Mark Richardson and opinions on anything other than cricket. Or Israel Folau and his opinions on anything. It’s like Mike Hosking, Tony Veitch and Paul Holmes were ground up and mixed Read more...

Advice On How To Reinvent Yourself

Posted 6:53pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Moving to uni is the perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself. Sometimes we think reinventing yourself is a kind of awkward thing to do. As if everyone else would know how doobie you used to be, and that they’d see through your new sheen of me-ness. Well, maybe. But also, whatever. You can Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Bonnie and Clyde

Posted 6:48pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Bonnie My night started off with me drinking scrumpy Read more...

Clarke Gayford to Step Down from Spending Time with Family to Spend More Time with Family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

Following explosive reports from the NZ Herald that he was “cringey,” and “had an e at the end of his name,” Clarke Gayford has stepped down from his unelected, unpaid public role. “I can’t continue in my position as a ‘guy who likes fishing and banging Read more...

David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...

Middle-Aged Meth Head Thinks She Can Fit in at Student Party

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

A woman notably older than everyone else has turned up to a low-key student party on Cargill Street. Invited in by some really drunk people at the front gate who failed to notice her faded Monster Energy Drink branded hoodie, she has worked her way into someone’s bedroom and has begun sidling Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

Manhunt for Jaywalker Enters 48th Hour

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

A citywide search for a criminal crosser has been ongoing since Tuesday afternoon. Dunedin crimester Mathew Denys was spotted crossing the road without a green man by a concerned citizen who contacted police. Police Constable James Everest said “we’ve come close to catching him a few Read more...