Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?

Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics. 

The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look out for shapeshifting monsters. A telltale sign of which are moving teeth, as seen on Critic editor Joel. Definitely a shapeshifting demon.

Here is an in-the-field-example of how to find a conspiracy. Have you ever noticed on your way to the gym that the air is loaded with the smell of ‘burnt coffee’ (dank weed). The smoke coming out of the Gregg’s factory is actually the burn off from demon-grown hydroponic weed. You can tell it’s grown by a demon, because if you look at the word “Gregg’s,” it’s got three upside down sixes in it, a SIGN OF THE DEVIL (sometimes if you can’t make sense of something, you can look at it in the mirror, and the words become numbers, and that’s called da Vinci). You can tell it’s hydroponic because the smoke looks suspiciously like steam.  Have you ever wondered why the “Gregg’s” factory is so close to the university? The university agreed to let the “Gregg’s” factory pollute our air with dank weed smoke because it makes us all mellow. And it is much easier to survey and control our minds if we are mellow. TRUTH.

Here is a checklist so you can protect yourself:

  • 666 in numbers or upside-down g’s
  • Does it have a cross – SATAN HATING JESUS – another conspiracy
  • Tinfoil hats will shield your brain from receiving txts, mind control radio-waves and the Nazis
  • Stay away from Monster energy drink (for an in depth analysis visit YouTube: MONSTER Energy drinks are the work of SATAN!!!)
  • Avoid people with bad teeth – they are shape-shifting devils
  • Stay away from triangles

And that’s how you can tell if something’s a conspiracy of not.

Cheers, Aroha, and Durries,

Aunt Kell and Mama Zo

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2018.
Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport.