Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, Itís Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, Itís Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?

First we need to identify what you mean when you refer to a spoon. Do you mean a teaspoon, a utensil used for the movement of liquid to mouth, do you mean to hit a ball in a slow lobbing fashion, or do you mean a body you can lie down next to, and kind of reverse your arse into?

We’re assuming you mean the latter; compatibility is self-evident with regard to the other kinds of spoon. 

Second we want to question what you mean by compatible. We reckon a large part of compatibility is determined by how desperate, needy, loving, caring, and in need of a hug you are. For example, if you’re half a bottle of vodka deep and attempting to find a bed closer to the octy than your own, you’ll be spoon-compatible with pretty much anyone. If you are, however, in a long distance, committed, serious relationship, you will be spoon compatible with only one other person. 

Other factors to take into account are body temperatures, friendship intimacy, torso length, hip-to-knee length, femur angle, hair smell of little spoon, boob cuppage, space for big spoon arm, little spoon waist dip for big spoon arm, and most importantly, dick size to bum crack length (by length we mean up and down, not … in). 

Things to aid spoonability: silky clothing, no clothing, cut toenails, clean hair, tied up hair, general feelings of compassion, moisturiser for dry skin, dry hair, undies to tuck your boner into.

After this our huge pools of wisdom – that gush forth like a very impressive waterfall, or perhaps like a large river – run dry.

Until next time whanau,

Mamma Zo and Aunt Kell

If you have a question for Mama Zo and Aunty Kells, fold it into a plane and throw it into the breeze. It’ll make its way to us. 

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2018.
Posted 6:06pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport.