Critic Blind Date | Vanessa and Barry B. Benson

Critic Blind Date | Vanessa and Barry B. Benson

Brought to you by Dog With Two Tails Cafe and Bar

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.

If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email




I was walking back to my car after work when I received the call up to prepare myself for the blind date. So prepare I did, promptly downing half a bottle of jager when I got home and then made my ride drive around the block a few times as I tried to pick out who my date was but I couldn’t see past some weird guy in a trench coat in the window who I can only describe as Post Maolnes ugly and hairy twin sister. I shuffled my way inside to get myself a drink and the barmaid pointed to Most Palone to indicate he was who I had been paired with.

Fair to say things went down hill quickly from here. Dont get me wrong I love a good bit of banter but withing the first 30mins I'd renamed my vagina Carousel (because there was no way this guy was getting in) for the following reasons: First, he mentioned his coat 5+ times, second, he kept calling the music 'soft yazz' and when I said it was actually jazz he replied that I must be mistaken as the J is a soft j, and he asked the waitress for the vegan options as he was vegan and then ordered a cheeseburger.

It picked up a bit when I realized I not only knew his family but had seen 3 of them in fishnets in a Rocky Horror charity show (shout out to his mum, shes hot).

We discussed the benefits of sad crying handjobs and proudly had a classy chug of the finest and cheapest IPA but I still couldn't get past his goatee. After our dinner I headed for a taxi and jumped in without even a thought of a kiss goodbye. Thanks to the dog with two tails and the very attractive barmaid who at least gave me something to look at, as for Post 2.0 I'm sorry but you definitely won't be my present!


Barry B Benson

When I got asked if I was free for the Critic blind date my immediate thought was that of ‘who I am to deny this woman the greatest gift of all, me?’ So I promptly grabbed my shiniest leather trench coat and my nicest fedora and out the door I went. I arrived an hour early as a gentleman is never late.

This gave me plenty of time to prepare the various sonnets I have memorised for such occasions as this, and time to practice my vape rings to make her swoon. This was done inside of course, as it’s just water vapour and it certainly does not annoy anyone ever.

My date showed up fifteen minutes late but it was worth the wait, I looked in her eyes and she into mine, right there I knew it was love but alas! Chivalry demands courtship, and court I did. After a wonderful introduction we decided to get into the bar tab. She ordered a Speights, I, a gin and tonic. I knew I had to impress her with my knowledge of dialect and pronunciation so I made sure to tell her several times throughout the night the correct way to say gin (‘tis a soft g, sounds like ‘yin’).

We had the usual pleasantries, such as where we are from, what we are studying (she a mere med student, myself a double degree in classics and philosophy and therefore superior) and future job prospects. Soon the jazz started, and I informed her of the proper way to say Jazz (soft J, yazz). After the fourth time I said it she released a sigh of pure ecstasy. No sonnets needed tonight.

We ordered our food and the date was going swell, I knew that she wanted me so when she said that she was getting a taxi I knew she was really saying ‘take me’. It arrived and I opened the door for her as any gentleman should. At this point I thought she would scoot over to allow me in, but no, she must believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder as she left alone that night. So with a quick m’lady and a tip of my fedora I began the journey home, knowing I had conquered yet another heart. Next time I’ll use the sonnets.

This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2018.
Posted 4:22pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic.