Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t exist?

The movies suggest the first thing you do is ask them if they’re there. You could say “Sup?”, “How are you?”, “You like Jazz?” (PS - if your ghost does like jazz, move THE FUCK outta your flat - nothing more obnoxious than a Miles Davis loving spirit). Movies also show that they use a wijja-ouja board thing. If you don’t have one of those, you can try writing the alphabet on the inside of a flattened Do-Bro box and use an upturned shot glass. We’ve had “good” results (no results) with this approach.

If you need more “hands-on” advice, the extended version of the new Ghost Busters really demonstrates what you can achieve with a Proton Pack. All you have to do is get one, and use it. Just remember - never ever cross the streams. As with pissing on a wire fence, so with Proton Packs.  

An old wives’ tale says hanging a bouquet of dried lavender in the toilet can ward the ghosts off. So, if you want ghosts, just take down your bouquet of dried lavender. Alternatively, try taking white sheets and cutting eye holes out of them, and just leaving these sheets everywhere. Either approach could entice the ghosts out. 

If you do track down your ethereal flatmate, don’t be afraid to hit them up for missing rent payments or the ectoplasm stains in the shower. Remember - these spooks have been living rent-free in that dwelling since they DIED. Being translucent is no excuse to stop helping with dishes, so make the most of your newfound flatmate. Just don’t forget to leave them out of your Saturday/Wednesday/Monday night drinking plans (and it’s probably best you stopped inviting the priest around for cuddles).  

Before you do commune with your ghosts, take a moment to think, do I have time for ghosts in my life? Can I be a responsible ghost friend? We had a mate who tried to juggle first year law with an exorcism, and they’re now a lawyer. So yeah not all things work out. 


Ka kite ano,

Your least favorite aunties,

Mamma Zo and Aunt Dave

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2018.
Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis and Dave Borrie.