Archive
Bone Apple Teeth | Lemon Muffins: Post-Flu Delights
Posted 8:22pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti
With guest baker Islay This week’s recipe was born out of the fact that our flat is overflowing with lemons. Overrun to the point of insanity. Everyone’s been fucking sick and we were trying to heal ourselves, the only way we know how, through obscene consumption of hot lemon Read more...
Vape Review | Duo Salts Kiwi and Strawberry
Posted 7:43pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Critic
What is with all fucking vape flavours and having either Kiwi or Strawberry? Like seriously, any sort of fruity vape flavour has one or the other, and I’m sick of it. Artificial Kiwifruit tastes like shit. I would rather rub the furry side of the skin on my tongue than have something kiwifruit Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Never Trust a Softboi
Posted 7:41pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by Critic
It was the eve of Hyde Street in the Year of Our Lord 2019. I was pretty recently single, flexing my newly found hoe muscles, and getting ready to dress like a tennis bitch and hit the streets. You know the drill, heavy drinking, a casual nip slip, way too many moustaches, and I was on the lookout Read more...
Critic Booze Review | Odd Company Vodka
Posted 7:34pm Thursday 16th July 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
There is an epidemic that is flooding this great nation that I have been concerned about for some time now, and it is time that I addressed it. Ever since Part Time Rangers introduced the concept of a ‘simple’ RTD, there has been an influx of the stuff. Now every company and their dog Read more...
EDITORIAL: Reporting About Sexual Violence Sucks
Posted 1:01pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Sinead Gill
Content warning: sexual violence. I hate the way I have to write about sexual violence. It sucks because the legal process that comes with proving that sexual violence occured is difficult, so few survivors pursue legal action. For the fewer survivors that approach the media with their stories Read more...
Vape Review | Duo Salts Apple and Watermelon
Posted 12:41pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Critic
Look, in all honesty, I hate fruit. I’ve never tried most fruits, and I never want to. People ask me why, and it’s mainly because the texture of fruit genuinely scares me. The feeling of biting into a crunchy apple or soft banana and feeling it in my mouth makes me gag. Artificial fruit Read more...
Booze Review | Smirnoff Cranberry Cask
Posted 12:39pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
If you’re anything like me, alcohol that doesn’t taste like alcohol is the best kind of alcohol ever. Smirnoff’s goon sack of cranberry juice and vodka is that alcohol. I’d be convinced that it was just pure cranberry juice if it didn’t make me send 3am ‘u up? Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Mushroom Risotto: The Perfect Boozy Meal
Posted 12:34pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Not to promote cooking and drinking (sorry NZ fire-safety ads from 2012), but risotto truly is the one dish where a glass of wine in hand is practically essential, or at the very least encouraged. The art of cooking risotto is a long, slow, and savoury process. There’s very little pressure Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Week Two Without Porn - Desires of the E-Flesh
Posted 12:30pm Sunday 12th July 2020 by Critic
Things were happening to my body this week. I never realised how weird masturbating without porn was until I forced myself to do it. Firstly, it was hard to get a good hard erection going. I could get one that just did the job, but it wasn’t the throbbing pleasure stick I wanted. I also found Read more...
EDITORIAL: The Exec Are Too Comfortable Making Decisions Behind Closed Doors
Posted 9:12am Monday 6th July 2020 by Sinead Gill
Critic Te Arohi is famously anti-weed, so it’ll be no surprise to you that my hackles were raised when the Exec made the decision to actively encourage Otago students to vote ‘yes’ to cannabis legalisation in the upcoming referendum. I was raised Catholic; it felt sinful enough to Read more...
Vape Review | Nek Minty Aotearoa E-Juice
Posted 3:11pm Sunday 5th July 2020 by Critic
Ha ha guys remember when Nek Minute was a thing?! When the whole country mercilessly ridiculed a dude for his poor vernacular and how he looks? How funny is that! It’s not like that joke originated in 2011 and has died out becoming not funny anymore. I’m so glad it’s 2020 and the Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 9
Posted 10:18pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 My resentment towards you Aquarius is wearing off. You’re actually pretty cool. Do with that what you will. Also get out of doing flat dinner this week by simply not coming home after a night out. Your Re-O regret: Falling over in your own Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Dumplings - Pork & Scallion
Posted 10:13pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Sometimes you don’t want a plate consisting of one meal, one story. You want many tiny little meals, many tiny little stories. Each mouthful the beginning, middle and end. Dumplings are the perfect meal to cook and eat with friends. Every person gets a turn at folding the wrappers and Read more...
Booze Reviews | Free-B's
Posted 9:56pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Anon
Victorian Bitters, a classic Australian beer. Sitting at around $13 for a 6 pack, you definitely get your money’s worth. However, are VB’s actually a pleasurable beer to drink? Yes and no. If you are a 20-year-old skater or middle aged Australian man, then you’d probably say that Read more...
The Critic Bachelor
Posted 9:51pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Jack Manning Age: 22 (“and a half!”) Occupation: OUSA President Star sign: Sagittarius Degree: BSc in Computer Science, DipGrad in Marketing Celebrity Crush: Gal Gadot His friends describe him as: Kind, a little bit introverted, and humble. Last STI Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Unfucking my Brain: One Month Without Porn
Posted 9:32pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic
Porn has undeniably screwed with my brain. There is no questioning that. It has changed how I think about and approach sex. It continues to burn holes through my dopamine receptors. It’s changed how I think about both women and men. I’m in my twenties, and looking at how I consume porn Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's
Posted 12:28am Friday 22nd May 2020 by F. Thot Fizzgerald
Speight's in a can, Speight's in a bottle, and Speight's on tap are all vastly different drinking experiences. Although it may technically be the same beverage, I’m willing to bet my life that the material and/or spiritual energy of the vessel fucks with the taste. Here is Read more...
Vape Review | Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice
Posted 10:33pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic
Who needs Covid-19 when you can get self-induced Bronchitis from vaping too much over quarantine? If you’re gonna inject your lungs with some nicotine, it might as well taste nice. That’s why the Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice results in a pleasant vaping experience. You Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Custard: Soup, but make it dessert.
Posted 10:29pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Caroline Moratti
There are times in life when you don’t want to make a meal for yourself, but you also want to cook something. There are times when you want dinner, but actually, really, only want dessert. Custard is easy and gooey and somehow deeply nostalgic. Eat a whole pot of it and call it a Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Antonio and the Tonsils
Posted 10:27pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic
So, our tale begins in the US, where I was staying with my parents over the summer holidays. During that time I had the perfectly rational horny thought to check out some American tinder boys. After some extensive swiping, I finally found someone half-decent. For the sake of this confession, Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 8
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This year is flying by and so are your opportunities to make long lasting friends that you don’t exploit. Your song to stream this week: Privilege - The Weeknd Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 You get a glimpse of freedom and Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 7
Posted 1:10am Friday 15th May 2020 by Critic
Alright lads, I’ve got a problem. I don’t know if it’s something developmental, or if it’s just that I’ve been shacked up for six weeks without a shag, but I’ve had more wet dreams during the lockdown than I’ve had in my entire life. I’d be Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Rabbit Ranch Pinot Gris
Posted 11:53pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Sinkpiss Plath
When esteemed Dunedin South (now Taieri) electorate member of parliament, Clare Curran, came to Critic for an intense debate, she brought wine along with her. She brought Rabbit Ranch, a fruity sav that tingles the throat with every sip. Nice attempt to intimidate us Clare, but we deal with Harlene Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 7
Posted 4:12pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 While you lay in bed looking out the window, the moon will tell you that your next period will be extremely heavy as punishment for being you. The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Five days, but they will be hell. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Tacos: for a Celebration
Posted 4:04pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Everyone loves tacos. There’s a reason that the humble dish appeases both the fiercest of enemies, the basic white girl and the hipster. Tacos are juicy, spicy, comforting and the meal I would reach for to celebrate the end of a devastatingly long lockdown. It’s the end of Autumn so, Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Vegan Korma
Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti
I spend a lot of my time and money pretending to be a young professional, when in fact, I’m actually a dumb, poor student. This includes behaviour such as spending outrageous sums of money at bars, buying clothes that do not suit any of the places I go, and practicing fancy recipes to cook for Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 6
Posted 4:14pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mending unstable friendships is a great idea this week. Stop blowing your friends off for a basic breatha with chlamydia and send them a message about how awesome they are. Your cereal choice this week: Porridge but pretend it’s Read more...
Booze Reviews | Beefeater Gin
Posted 3:53pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Dick Bourbonage
In a time of loneliness we all need to find someone, or something, to keep us company. And because I’m a sad, single alcoholic, I’ve found my companion in a bottle of Beefeater Gin. To say Beefeater will boost your mood in a time as tough as this would be a bit of a lie. As Albert Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 6
Posted 3:41pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic
How many times have you come close to death? To see the edges of the world grow void of colour, and feel everything growing impossibly distant, only to be wrenched back to unfortunate reality. It happened to me twice in one night, and it was the first time I met with someone I met on Grindr. The Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Accidental Isolation Partner
Posted 10:35am Wednesday 8th April 2020 by Critic
Monday 23 March, 2020. Doomsday. When the news hit, there was panic in my flat. So much so that it rubbed off on me. My flatmates were making plans to move home, but with the flights blocked and my dad immunocompromised, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me. I was left with a choice. I could Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Bliss Balls
Posted 4:53pm Tuesday 7th April 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Baking sweet snacks is the perfect isolation activity. But I hear ya, there’s no FUCKing flour or sugar at the supermarket. What the fuck are you supposed to bake then? I know bliss balls might seem like a sad proxy for baking but they are actually delicious, sweet, quick and easy. Just like Read more...
Let Young People Celebrate, Even If the World Is Ending
Posted 3:38pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Jamie Mactaggart
If you’ve been online in the past week you would have seen two things. First, this Covid-19 shit is hitting the fan and second, the old people are angry at students again. They are angry because while they were buying all the fucking toilet paper, students were focused on how there is always Read more...
Booze Reviews | Quarantini Selection
Posted 3:19pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Critic
Cold and Flu Supplements to Mix with Your Leftover St Paddy’s Day Whisky and a little bit of Redbull I thought that cocktail - ‘Quarrantini’ – that was making its way around social media was fucking revolutionary. I decided to test out other cold and flu supplements that Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Focaccia
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Not to be corny, but making bread is an activity that has brought me unrivalled joy throughout my life. A handful of ingredients and a few hours will yield a delicious loaf to share and fill and entire house with the cosiest, most comforting smell. This focaccia recipe is really, actually, Read more...
Vape Review | A.N.Z.A.A.C
Posted 6:23pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic
Believe it or not, I am somewhat of a patriot. At least when it comes to biscuits. I have tried multiple Anzac flavoured vape juices, and I can honestly say that none have come as close to what Vapourium offers. I think this one has done our fallen soldiers proud, boys. Before you go out and Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 5
Posted 6:20pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic
Last summer, I did what any bored and horny gal does and tried to get validation from random Tinder guys. I swiped on a dude who seemed pretty cute, but a bit of a shit cunt - just my type. We talked for a bit and then decided to go out for a cheeky afternoon drink. After a few too many beers and Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 5
Posted 6:19pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles. Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Water Read more...
Just the Tip | Issue 5
Posted 5:55pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic
Want to deal with a dick flatmate, problems with your studies, or want tips on how to woo your latest Tinder match? Your anonymous concerns will be addressed by a panel of Critic's life coaches. The Virgin Sappho, 2nd Year I. Need. A gf. I’ve tried several dating apps, I’ve Read more...
Editorial: R.I.P. Blind Date
Posted 9:50am Monday 16th March 2020 by Sinead Gill
From this week onward, there will be no more Critic Blind Date. I know. You’re all going to be fucking gutted. In a way, so am I – no editor relishes cutting institutions from the magazine. But this had to be done. Critic cannot 100 percent guarantee your safety on the blind date, Read more...
Booze Reviews | Dirty Double Brown & Sunshine
Posted 12:42pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
St Patrick’s day is upon us. It would be rude not to give you some relevant cocktails for a filthy Tuesday on the piss. Dirty Double Brown - 30ml whiskey - 15mls Read more...
Vape Review
Posted 12:39pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by Nicki O'Teen
If you want an inoffensive vaping experience, then the Ice Cucumber is the flavour for you. It literally just tastes like cool air with a sweet afterbirth. Ice Cucumber is only 2.5% strength, so it doesn’t leave you with the pairing of burning lungs and self-deprecating thoughts. This flavour Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 4
Posted 6:43pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic
I don’t know what the place is called, but if you walk up that fuck off hill from Arana – up past the cemetery and to the top of where the botans begin/ends – there is this field. I drive past it all the time to get to the supermarket without having to deal with all the traffic on Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 4
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day. What you smell like this week: Desperation. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your last Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Avo and Chicken Rice Balls
Posted 6:35pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Recently we resolved that we would become much better people and start bringing a packed lunch to Uni. Where better to start than rice balls, the food so many students already consume with unrestrained financial passion? Since they are now a devastating $4.70 at St. Dave’s, it seemed there was Read more...
EDITORIAL: Report Your Shit Cunt Landlord
Posted 4:40pm Sunday 8th March 2020 by Sinead Gill
Most landlords that Critic come across are shit cunts (SCLs for short). SCLs believe that students should be grateful to be housed at all, and that rotting properties are ok because students will trash the place anyway. SCLs think that providing a roof is enough, and that adequate housing quality is Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers
Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic
For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 3
Posted 12:46pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic
Dr Lauren Carwell* was the sexiest lecturer I had ever seen. She was maybe 28ish with a nice body and sexy eyes. The fact that she was in a position of power added an even hotter appeal, and I never missed a class for this reason. Although I was at uni, I felt like a stupid young schoolboy with a Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 5:53pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week you will be kink shamed. Probably by me. This week’s lube flavour: Yeast Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Hmm something smells fishy. Vagisil, anyone? This week’s lube flavour: Birthday cake Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Issue 3
Posted 5:48pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic
Critic Booze Review: Odd Company’s The Cheeky One If you haven’t been to Leith Liquor in the past week or so, you’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this drink? Let me enlighten you. Sick of Long Whites being the only alcohol I can manage to stomach after years of Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Him and Her
Posted 4:27pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic
HIM: I was pretty skeptical about how the whole thing was going to go down. Then my date arrived. Fuck me, Critic really pulled through on this one. We headed off to the peace gardens (that place where you can get free salad beside OUSA), for some drinks and a vape. When my date proceeded to Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Weed
Posted 2:01am Friday 28th February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
I had planned to review an actual booze, but the day I sat down to do it, my dealer texted: he was in. A Dunedin without fellow students had turned me lazy, but for both Flo and O Week I had missed out on the hundie bag deals. I couldn’t do three weeks in a row. After a quick trip to the Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck
Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis
Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...
Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It
Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill
Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too. This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta
Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda
Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan
Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
HARRY Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1
Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 1
Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...
Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map
Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy
Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 26
Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
111, one drug pls!!! Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation. Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...
Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...
Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...
Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers
Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...
Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard
Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26
Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 26
Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's
Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out
Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 25
Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Oh no, not the eels! Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving. The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets. Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 25
Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Spicy
Posted 10:20pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz When I was at Arana the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. Read more...
American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown
Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...
Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen
Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...
Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’
Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes
Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...
2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster
Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum
Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’. Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 24
Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex. Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24
Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...
Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week
Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...
Film Student Really Wants You to Understand Tarantino Like He Does
Posted 11:05am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago Media Film and Communications student, Jordan Fleming, maintains Tarantino is the best director of all time (although says Stanley Kubrick is a close second). He asks if you would like to come around on Friday night and watch Kill Bill with him so he can explain every frame to you. “With Read more...
Student Votes in OUSA Election, Realises They Matched With All Presidential Candidates on Tinder
Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Third-year student, Anna Brown, felt as if she already knew the OUSA presidential candidates, despite never meeting them. Upon reading their bios in last week’s Critic, as well as seeing their faces smeared over social media, Anna couldn’t help but shake the familiar feeling she got from Read more...
Radio One Golden Ticket Found Hidden Inside Stack of Volunteer Forms
Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
It turns out that Radio One’s golden ticket giveaway campaign may have been a ploy to attract a new batch of volunteers after last week the ticket was found hidden under a freshly printed stack of volunteer application forms. Barry Huntly, a second-year Business student, was the latest Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 24
Posted 10:43am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Things are weighing heavy on your mind this week, Aquarius. If you stick a finger far enough up your nose you’ll be able to pull out some brain matter and ease the pressure. This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Karma’s a bitch but she Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Coruba and Cola
Posted 10:35am Friday 20th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Coruba & Cola is far too sweet. The word “cola” should tip you off - no one uses that word unless forced – and the result is a sugary jizz concoction that would leave Barry B. Benson ashamed and with a sticky lower stomach. Quick, someone grab the tissues before mum gets home. Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kate and Leo
Posted 10:33am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Kate Dunedin is terribly small. At first, I was Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 23
Posted 1:03am Friday 13th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Let’s start this week with a classic ol’ ODT pun Yeah it’s about a toilet that’s doing well. How did you guess? Then ODT hit us hard with the facts We move on to my favourite section of the ODT, the “Ask a Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 23
Posted 12:36am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Jupiter position in relation to Mercury means if they have a Hilux, run. This week’s repressed memory: James Charles’ leaked nudes. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have pre-marital sex this week and you are going straight to hell, except if you Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Chad and Avril
Posted 12:31am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Chad It was a cold night in Breatherville when I applied to do Read more...
Top 10 Reasons to Listen to Radio One 91FM by Radio One 91FM Staff
Posted 12:05am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
We play good music We give away free stuff There's a cool dog called Charlie We have better scoops than Rob Roy Your mates probably host a show and you’ve been lying about listening for too long. Tom Tremewan and Henessey Griffiths work there, and they definitely didn’t Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Virtual Vikings and Vixens
Posted 12:04am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz This one’s a different one than usual but hear me out. This happened sometime 2016-2017, where a young fresh eyed undergrad me in his time not Read more...
Teenager in Polo Cap and Oversized Vintage Tee to Headline Laneway 2020
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Laneway’s recent 2020 line up announcement has declared local Auckland talent, Josh Smith (not that Josh Smith) as headliner for this year’s event. A so-called ‘man of the people’ Josh looks forward to playing Mac DeMarco’s Spotify radio algorithm from his decks while Read more...
Wearing Speed Dealer Glasses at Drinking Events Scientifically Proven As a Great Personality Replacement
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a recent study undertaken by the University of Otago Psychology Department, participants with a profound lack of personality were found to be liked more by others when wearing quirky shades. This finding was not to the surprise of students interviewed, with one student saying, “that kient Read more...
Lecturer Wasted on Holiday in Queenstown Freezes in Fear Upon Seeing Students
Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Microbiology lecturer, Sarah Doctorindahouse, was minding her own business getting completely written off on holiday when she spied some of her students peering over at her in the club. "I just wanted to get fucked up on MDMA on a well-deserved break, but now these cunts are going to be Read more...
Local Student Gives One of Dunedin’s Walking Tracks a Go, Cures Depression
Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
George West, Law and Philosophy student, had tried everything to cure his seasonal depression. He just thought that he was pushing through it when James Heath announced that he was not running for 2020 OUSA president, making him hit an all time low. “I just didn’t know how to snap out of Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Bell's Scotch
Posted 11:41pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Bell’s Scotch is an alcohol that should have died with the dinosaurs; the meteorite was close, but not close enough. Scotch is also, coincidentally, the postgrad drink of choice. Perhaps they’ve had so many bad nights with vodka, gin and rum that after a few years of drinking this is Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 22
Posted 10:17pm Sunday 8th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
University of Otago Marine Biology postgraduates have reportedly been working on a classified project involving local seal populations. Seems seals struggle to save sufficient serotonin to cite circumspection. After weeks of lying to himself about Read more...
Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street
Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...
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