All “Young People on the Property Ladder” Actually Just One Landlord

All “Young People on the Property Ladder” Actually Just One Landlord

In a shocking exposé, it has been revealed that all media stories about young people buying houses were faked. A fraudulent Dunedin landlord was hired by the New Zealand Property Investors’ Federation to impersonate young Kiwis buying their first home by putting on a range of disguises. 

The ruse was revealed after a turquoise-coloured van, labelled “The Mystery Machine,” crashed into a home where ODT reporters were preparing to interview Dunedin’s “youngest first-home buyers”. The walls collapsed and revealed landlord Michael Moneybags in sneans, putting on a latex mask seemingly modelled on ex-OUSA President Jack Manning. 

A red-faced Mr Moneybags was heard to exclaim: “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Mr Moneybags would travel up and down the country posting for media in front of houses owned by local property investors. In interviews, he would tell wide-eyed, overworked local journalists about how the only secret to buying property “at my age” was “working hard” and “spending wisely,” unlike other youths, who were “soft,” “lazy,” and spent on unnecessary luxuries such as avocado toast, iPhones, and university fees.

The revelation means that not a single kiwi under the age of 25 has bought a house since 2008. At press time, Aotearoa’s largest media companies had filed for bankruptcy, with the exposé instantly depriving them of approximately two-thirds of their regular news content.

This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2021.
Posted 9:37pm Monday 26th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune.