Pens Get Ready to Run Out Mid-Exam

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A group of pens sitting in the bottom of Connor Jackson’s bag have revealed their dastardly plan to run out precisely in the middle of his LAWS101 exam. The hopeful first-year law student has no idea what his pens are scheming up for him. “I’ve been saving up for this moment all Read more...

Waka Kotahi to Permanently Concrete over Bat Holes During George St Upgrade

Posted 12:36am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Contractors for Waka Kotahi (NZTA) have announced plans to concrete over bat roosts during the recently announced George St one-way upgrade. The announcement follows the revelation by RNZ that builder's foam was being used to fill in potential bat roosts on the route of the proposed Mt Read more...

Texting Scam Offers Free Booze, Catches 90% Of Student Population

Posted 12:33am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students across Dunedin were caught up in a sophisticated scam over the past week which exploited their core weakness: the ingrained need to get on the piss. The scam involved a text being sent to students prompting them to open a suspicious link. It promised a free box of booze if they download Read more...

Student Watches Cooking Video and Actually Cooks the Recipe

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

After spending most of his life aimlessly scrolling through cooking videos for entertainment, a student has made the leap to actually cooking a recipe from a video that he watched.  In an interview with the Critical Tribune the student, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that upon Read more...

Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...

Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”

Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...

Return to Level 2 Celebrated By Exploited Hospo Workers

Posted 4:13pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A return to Alert Level 2 is being welcomed by Dunedin’s exploited hospitality workers, who say they are looking forward to being overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated yet again.  Local bartender Timothy told the Critical Tribune: “It was real weird sitting at home. Like, I Read more...

Nissan Leaf Blissfully Unaware That It Will Be A Breatha’s Car in 20 Years

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A Japanese Nissan Leaf is sitting in a Yokohama showroom, apparently happily unaware of the abuse it will face at the hands of an Otago student in 20 years time. The electric car, decked out in Magnetic Red, was born at Nissan’s Oppama Factory last month; far too young to even comprehend Read more...

Lecturer Busily Planning Extra Work For Locked-Down Students

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

While most people are stuck at home with their schedules interrupted, one Uni lecturer is not letting lockdown stop his plans for the year. If anything, he’s planning to make it busier than ever before, with a flood of new assignments, projects and unit tests. Physiology lecturer Dr Mas Read more...

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