Moaningful Confessions | Derry Dick

Moaningful Confessions | Derry Dick

It was a typical evening on Grindr. Not much was happening. I was being sent a few unsolicited dick pics y'know, just the standard scrolling and sending boring messages. My ex had broken up with me recently, so at this stage of my life I was near rock bottom. 

I started talking to a guy who seemed pretty cool. He was a top so yeah I was pretty keen. So unassumingly, I went round to his flat after making sure I was squeaky clean. He was nice. We had that awkward pre chat, until suddenly there was silence. He gave me that look like he's ready to have a go on that ass. I go down on him. He's pretty big, good thing I'm hungry. We eventually do the deed after he sucks my neck so much that it's so red and it looks like a bear has tried to strangle me. 

Okay so this is where it gets juicy juicy. We're starting to settle down now, my knees are sore and I'm keen to help him finish up. He's close, but there's something he asks me to do so he can climax. He tells me he needs a little background noise to help him get in the zone. Okay yeah I think, why not. 

I reached over to his laptop on his night stand that ought to have broken from how hard he railed me and I press play on some random Netflix show. He then goes "nah nah. Play Derry Girls." Hmmm, Derry girls. Okay yeah, how quirky, I think. I guess Irish accents could be an aphrodisiac. So I put it on. 

He makes a loud af moan like: "AHHHH". He cums instantly. Wow. How very peculiar, I think to myself. Is Derry Girls hot? That awkward British kid who hangs out with the girls is kind of a snack I suppose. 

Fair enough, I'm not one to judge. Well, he was a nice guy so I go back again a short while after. And yes, the entire scenario, exactly the same, plays out again. Derry Girls comes on and out comes his shoot. 

He was a good root, but it has only just been pointed out to me recently this is not standard human behaviour. I always thought it was quirky. I think it’s worth it for getting railed though. So really all this to say: watch out boys, there's some wild kinks out there. 

This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2021.
Posted 6:05pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic.