Booze Reviews | Peronis: Living the High Life

Booze Reviews | Peronis: Living the High Life

Italians either succeed at something completely, or they fail at it miserably. Ferraris and World War II are some prime examples of these extremes. Peronis are something that they managed to get right. They are a perfect beer for demonstrating to your peers that you are sophisticated yet down to earth, educated but not bookish.

I consumed my Peronis at the Opera. As I approached the theatre, a classy white and blue box under my arm, I received approving nods from the many high society couples I passed. When I entered the theatre the many patrons were deeply engrossed in the opera, but I couldn’t help but notice a handful of distinguished people turning their heads and smiling warmly as I held a fresh, glistening Peroni. Their eyes seemed to say, “Welcome friend, you’re one of us.”

The taste of Peroni is simultaneously refreshing and invigorating. Notes of citrus lift the drink above the dull colonial lagers that are common in this antipodean part of the world. The sensibilities and quiet refinement of mainland Europe are evident in the superior crafting of Peronis. The fizz level is high which lends Peronis to rapid sipping over straight sculling. In terms of first sip enjoyment after a long day of hating poor people, Peronis are second to none.

The price of Peronis is extremely variable. When not on special they can be anywhere between $25–30. However, on some magical days, they can be found on special at supermarkets for as low as $20. Refinement and sophistication at bargain prices. The box is a 12 x 330 mL of 5% beer which is similar to most other beers at $1.28 / standard which is a bargain when considering the added class value.

Peronis may not be to everyone’s tastes. After all, if everyone could be rich then there would be no one to exploit, and that would be no fun for anyone. But if you’re feeling like you need a bit of class in your life and don’t want to resort to wine (because it’s fucking rancid) then you could do a lot worse than a Peroni. Good job Italy, I’m proud of you. Mamma fucking mia.

Tasting notes: Lemon, caviar, the Mediterranean

Froth level: I cooka da meatball

Pairs well with: Talking with your hands, endless cycles of retaliatory killings, Puccini

Taste rating: 9/10 exquisite

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2021.
Posted 8:08pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Chug Norris.