Acting Vice-Chancellor Cancels Uniís Moth Protection, Moths Eat Everything

Acting Vice-Chancellor Cancels Uniís Moth Protection, Moths Eat Everything

The University Senate last week voted to drop the Uni’s moth protection plan. In the days since, moths have wreaked havoc across campus.

“The University has been held hostage by Big Moth for too long,” said the new Vice-Chancellor. “As part of this new regime of financial responsibility I promised to bring to my role, I’ve decided that the money which has long been spent on moth protection is better spent in other areas to enhance the wellbeing of our valued staff and students.” 

When asked where the new funding would go, Mhere mentioned new car parks, paving the Union Lawn and blocking salmon from the Leith “for their own good” as potential “areas of interest”.

Extensive Tribune investigations have been unable to determine the ongoing past costs of moth protection, as University sources cited commercial sensitivity. However, industry experts estimated the cost was probably in “the hundreds of thousands of dollars per year.”  

In the days since the vote, moths have wreaked utter havoc across the Uni. Thousands of dollars of computer cables have been chewed. Clothes left overnight in offices have been found the next day at the verge of disintegration. Across campus, lights have been pulverized. The Tribune understands that moth-related damage is specifically excluded from the Uni’s insurance policy. 

The Tribune’s reporter approached the lepidopterist department but they just cackled manically, rubbed their hands together and said, “our time has come, bitch.”

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2021.
Posted 12:57am Sunday 11th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune.