Jan 20 - Feb 18

Feeling manic? Call your therapist.

To bake this week: your mind 


Feb 19 - Mar 20

You need to stop dwelling on yet another failed talking stage. You can do better than tinder breathas. 

To bake this week: chocolate covered strawberries 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Stop making shit jokes at the expense of others. You’re not funny, you’re just fucking annoying. 

To bake this week: rocky road 


Apr 20 - May 20

Much like your life, nothing monumental or interesting comes to mind for this week. Sorry.

To bake this week: gingernuts  


May 21 - Jun 20

Hope you didn’t spend too much money on your Hyde costume, given you have two personas anyway. 

To bake this week: nothing, you don’t deserve joy


Jun 21 - July 22

It’s time for your yearly STD check. 

To bake this week: lemon drizzle cake 


July - Aug 22

Have you been surrounded by drama lately? It’s probably your own fault, stop seeking so much attention. 

To bake this week: cupcakes 


Aug 23 - Sep 22

Keep being on your hot virgo shit. Literally no one is as superior as you. 

To bake this week: caramel slice 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

Newsflash, thinking you’re cool doesn’t actually make you cool. 

To bake this week: oatmeal muffins 


Oct 23 - Nov 21

Stressful times ahead. Get that vibrator out. 

To bake this week: belgium biscuits 


Nov 22 - Dec 21

It’s time for a self care night. Think weed brownies and maladaptive daydreaming. Rest up, buttercup. 

To bake this week: lolly cake 


Dec 22 - Jan 19

Did you know you actually aren’t right all the time? This week, try reeling in the shitty attitude. 

To bake this week: sticky date pudding

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2021.
Posted 1:25am Monday 19th April 2021 by Critic.