Jan 20 - Feb 18

Just because you’re an air sign, doesn’t mean you can keep ghosting people. It’s time to face your commitment issues. 

Houseplant of choice: Cobwebs 



Feb 19 - Mar 20

With midterms ramping up, there will be more crying than usual in your future. Probably because you have fallen in love with your lecturer again. 

Houseplant of choice: Weeping Fig 



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s the constant screaming, please, just stop. 

House plant of choice: Epipremnum aureum aka devil’s ivy 



Apr 20 - May 20

Have you been judging others recently? That’s okay, maybe take a look in the mirror next time you feel such urges. 

Houseplant of choice: A big fucking tree 



May 21 - Jun 20

Mid-sem break would have been a great time for some self reflection. But, you didn’t. You are still a menace. 

Houseplant of choice: baby cacti 



Jun 21 - July 22

The moon is your ruling planet. This means it’s sleepy time, go take a big nap. 

Houseplant of choice: Maidenhair Fern 



July - Aug 22

Be careful out there. If anyone is going to get arrested or fuck up Hyde street, it’ll be you.  

Houseplant of choice: The dead basil you keep forgetting to water 



Aug 23 - Sep 22

What’s up with virgo men? Your ego needs to be taken down a couple notches buddy.

Houseplant of choice: Aloe Vera 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

This autumn season, try getting a new personality. You are in dire need of one. 

Houseplant of choice: Weed 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Take that MDMA. Send a risky text. Drink yourself silly. Go and live your life my little scorpions. 

Houseplant of choice: The mushroom forming in the mould on your ceiling



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Fuck bitches, get money  

Houseplant of choice: Venus fly trap 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Keep being your sarcastic, pessimistic self. Someone needs to keep it real with everyone else. 

Houseplant of choice: Leftover New World Little Gardens

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2021.
Posted 12:49am Sunday 11th April 2021 by Critic.