Greenhill Lime and Elderflower Seltzers

Greenhill Lime and Elderflower Seltzers

When I consumed the Greenhill Seltzers I was struck by divine inspiration. It all began when I heard a knock on the door late one afternoon. Opening the door there was no one around, but before me lay a baby perched on the doorstep of my flat. Its cradle was illuminated by a ray of golden light that broke through the thick clouds and seemed to shine straight from the gates of heaven. Taking this as an omen, I dodged around the baby, and ran straight to Henry’s to buy some alcohol.

Jesus wandered the desert for forty days and forty nights. I have wandered a metaphorical desert of low-quality alcoholic beverages for a much longer time. Thirsty, delirious, and confused, I turned time and time again to false idols like Park Rangers and Billy Mavs. In Henry’s, the Greenhills appeared before me like an oasis in the desert. When I tasted them, I knew they were something special. I never thought it possible for alcohol to taste so good. How could I have gone so long, ignorant of such perfection? I realised then that the choice wasn’t mine. It was destiny. A higher power wanted me to drink the Greenhills. They had clearly been sent by God, to be absorbed straight into my bloodstream.

Greenhills are incredibly well-made. The entire balance of the drink is perfect and they go down incredibly easily. The sugar content is high, but the sweetness never becomes sickly thanks to the refreshing lime overtones. In my malnourished Re-O Week state, the vitamin C from the lime quite possibly saved me from death by scurvy. It was all the more evidence of the divine providence of these drinks.

In terms of alcohol content, Greenhills pack a punch. They come in these magnificent tall-ass cans, which seem like standard 250 mL cruiser cans, but are actually somehow 330 mL. My alcohol tolerance is perhaps at an all-time peak. All the casual drinks I consumed at home to validate my Dad's questionable drinking habits have hardened my liver. However, the 1.6 standards per can, combined with the ease with which these drinks can be consumed will send you well on your way to a good night before you have even noticed you’re drunk. 

They come in packs of ten 330 mL cans, with 1.6 standards per can. The usual price seems to be $26.00 for a box which puts them in at 1.63 dollars per standard which is pretty pricey, but not outrageous for most RTDs.

Greenhills are a pretty popular drink, and I’m glad I’ve finally seen the light. Instead of using that shitty goon wine for communion, the Fathers should try using Greenhill Seltzers. It would surely increase church turnout, along with people's belief in a higher power.


Tastes like: A cool summer breeze in a coastal orchard

Froth level: Jesus, man

Pairs well with: The front row of pews aka the mosh of Church, or a real mosh

Taste rating: 9/10, God tier

This article first appeared in Issue 15, 2021.
Posted 4:38pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Chug Norris.