Jan 20 - Feb 18

Treat yourself to some self care this week. Maybe a quirky new outfit or different vape flavour. Go get 'em.  

Vegan food to try: Vape juice



Feb 19 - Mar 20

It's time to stop creating steamy fantasies in your head about that one particularly sexy lecturer you have. Instead, do your fucking readings. 

Vegan food to try: Oat milk coffee



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It's finally your season, baby! May God help us all as you fully unleash your fiery self upon the world. 

Vegan food to try: A bottle of hot sauce 



Apr 20 - May 20

Go get a coffee and issue some books from the public library. Your intellect and desire to not have social interactions will thank you for it. 

Vegan food to try: Firm tofu, like yourself.



May 21 - Jun 20

For the greater good of society, please shut the fuck up. Seriously, not everything is about you love x 

Vegan snack to try:  A single, wet french fry. 



Jun 21 - July 22

Heavy rain is forecast for this week, so it's not just you for once.

Vegan snack to try:  Oreos and peanut butter. 



July - Aug 22

You've had a bit of a stick up your ass recently, so I suggest you take it out and loosen up.

Vegan snack to try:  Prunes (since you are so full of shit)



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Swap out your calculator for some sex toys. Seriously, you need to cum not calculate.

Vegan snack to try:  Strawberry lube 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Feeling a bit emotional lately? It's okay, take some time to rest. Pop on your headphones and go cry in the Botans. It happens to the best of us.

Vegan snack to try:  Your tears



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Send that risky text. Swipe vigorously on tinder. Make a move on your library crush. Venus is in Aries, it's now or never my little scorpios.

Vegan snack to try: Thai Sweet Chilli Doritos.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Honestly, nothing interesting is going on for you. Sorry, maybe you should start admitting to yourself you're more boring than you realise.

Vegan snack of choice: Trail Mix



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Feeling greedy, money-hungry? This week has a good financial forecast, so start branching out on new business endeavours. Think drug dealing or reselling Hyde tickets.

Vegan snack of choice: Stonks


This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2021.
Posted 5:43pm Sunday 28th March 2021 by Critic.