Dear Critic...

Dear Critic...

Dear Critic,

There’s a wasp nest in front of our flat. Every time I walk out, I’m terrified that I’m gonna get stung. Our landlord said we could just call some ecology students and they’d pull it out, but I highly doubt that. What do we do?



Gidday Shawn,

First of all, you spell your name the lame way. 

Second, I’ve heard that you actually can get in touch with students in ZOOL/ECOL and they’ll get rid of it somehow. Maybe they keep it, IDK. Doesn’t matter as long as it’s gone. 

Option two: Molotov it. Fill a liquor bottle with petrol and shove it into the hole. It’ll drain in and kill them. Do it at night. It does the job, but it’s unethical, even if they’re pests. 

Option three: Ever seen that video of the guy that eats a wasp’s nest? Try that. He seemed fine. Good luck.

Mike Hunt


Dear Critic,

I have an evil clown doll in my attic and it frightens me. It’s this horrible old jester. How do I get rid of it safely?



Hi Asher,

Sounds like you’re fucked. There’s no good way to do this. Move out of the flat, and don’t touch it. Go on a weekend trip, and get people to try to touch it while you’re gone maybe? Doesn’t matter, you’ll still be cursed. Just don’t touch it, and let it watch you sleep this year, and then move out. C’mon, you know better than this.

Mike Litorus


This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2021.
Posted 1:50am Monday 19th April 2021 by Critic.