Third-Year Blames Freshers For Illness, Not Week of Binge Drinking

Third-Year Blames Freshers For Illness, Not Week of Binge Drinking

Logan, a third year student studying geography, has come to the conclusion the Fresher Flu, spread by first-years, is to blame for his current cough and runny nose. He has been on a bender for five days but he insists that this is unrelated to his current illness. 

“My immune system is allgood, aye, I ate an apple on Tuesday,” said Logan. “It’s definitely the Freshers, they do this every year. They should have to wear face masks or something.” Logan describes his illness as “no good.” He plans to treat his cough by continuing to drink, saying that “the alcohol will kill the bugs aye haha.” 

Doctor Tilla, a medical professional from the University of Otago, was supportive of Logan’s choice of treatment, stating “it’s very experimental stuff but some studies from Mexico have shown that binge drinking is one of the most effective ways to treat the common cold.” 

The exact mechanism of this treatment is unclear, but researchers are making progress, Tilla added that “if blood alcohol levels are high enough the virus actually becomes drunk, thereby inhibiting its performance. Imagine if you had to do your job drunk, you're probably not going to be very effective, I’m sure I’m not.

This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2021.
Posted 6:03pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune.