Fuck, I Canít Cook!

Fuck, I Canít Cook!


Like most good things in life, cooking lasagne takes time, effort and emotional energy. But it is well worth it. If you feel like devoting a few hours into making something quite extraordinary, then I encourage you to cook this recipe. I have intentionally made this lasagne quite large because if you are going to commit, you might as well have lots of it. Any leftovers can be portioned into containers and put in the freezer until needed. 

Serves 6-8



For the bolognese sauce:

2 onions

2 carrots

2 celery sticks 

6 cloves garlic

2 tsp dried rosemary 

2 tsp dried thyme 

1kg beef mince (you can also use a combination of beef and lamb or pork)

¼ cup tomato paste 

⅓ cup red wine, optional

2 cans tomatoes

1 cup beef, veggie or chicken stock 

Teriyaki sauce, to taste (optional) 

Pinch brown sugar 

Salt and pepper 


  1. Peel and finely dice the onions, carrot and garlic. Finely dice the celery. However, if you have a food processor, you can blitz these all together until finely chopped to save time.
  2. In a large pot over medium heat, add a splash of oil and the onion, carrot, celery, garlic, rosemary and thyme. Season with salt and pepper, and cook until soft and golden, around 10 minutes. 
  3. Add the mince and break up with a wooden spoon. Season with a bit more salt and pepper, and cook until the mince has developed some colour, around 3-5 minutes. 
  4. Add the tomato paste and cook off for a couple of minutes. 
  5. Add the wine and bring to a simmer. 
  6. Add the tomatoes and stock. Bring up to a boil, reduce the heat to low, and simmer for at least 40 minutes. If it is looking a little dry, add a splash more stock or water when need be. 
  7. Meanwhile, make the white sauce. 
  8. Taste and check for seasoning. Add a pinch of brown sugar and a splash of teriyaki (or soy sauce) if you have it. 


For the white sauce

100g butter

1 tsp dried sage 

¾ cup flour

5 cups milk

1 spoonful mustard

½ a whole nutmeg, grated (optional)

Salt and pepper

  1. In a medium pot over medium heat, melt butter with the sage.
  2. Stir in the flour, and cook for around 30 seconds, or until you can no longer see any powdery flour. 
  3. Remove from the heat. Gradually whisk in small amounts of the milk until smooth and combined. 
  4. Return back to the heat, and cook, stirring frequently, until thickened. 
  5. Remove from the heat and add mustard, nutmeg, salt and pepper to taste. 


To assemble

1 packet lasagne sheets

2 cups cheese 

  1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius. In a large oven dish, add a third of the meat sauce. Then add a layer of the lasagne sheets. Then add a third of the cheese sauce. Repeat this three times, until you are left with a layer of cheese sauce on top. 
  2. Sprinkle over the cheese. 
  3. Bake for 1 hour, or until the pasta is tender when a knife is inserted into the middle, and the top is golden and crispy. If the top is getting too dark, loosely place tinfoil over the top. 
This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2021.
Posted 6:00pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Alice Taylor.