Guest Edition Booze Review: Water

Guest Edition Booze Review: Water

Salutations, it’s your old mate Bert Dangerfield (Ex Regional Worksafe Co-Coordinator Southern Southland Region) here to talk to you about the elixir of youth. Did you know that multiple studies have consistently shown that there is no safe level of alcohol consumption?

Alcohol has consistently been linked to other forms of hazard, such as un-coordination, dangerous driving, and poor judgement, especially when it comes to making decisions about whether to engage in nicotine use or partake in recreational usage of other, sometimes illegal, substances.

Fortunately there are many other fluids that can prolong your life, improve your health, and sharpen your social skills. And isn’t that what we all want, at the end of the day? (NB: do try and go to sleep promptly at the end of the day, research has shown that lack of rest can lead to “premature death in animal models”.)

Take smoothies for instance. Smoothies are undoubtedly delicious. Often the incorporation of fruits and vegetables can contribute anti-oxidising agents towards your five-plus-a-day, which will help your mood in the short run, and your life longevity in the long term.

Unfortunately, the added sugar can rot your teeth, lead to brain inflammation, and the milk products used in the manufacturing process can lead to environmental degradation. Often, plant based alternatives aren’t much better. It behooves us to recognise that health and safety is a global problem, but the solutions are always local.

At this point some of you might be saying, “well Bert my old mate, at least we can still have coffee right? It’s a mild stimulant that is relatively harmless in low doses and can be made relatively nutritious by the addition of sugar and cream.”

And to that I have to say, “not so fast!”

Recent research has shown that upwards of five cups of coffee correlates with early onset Alzheimer's disease. The diuretic effect of coffee too often means that drinkers become severely dehydrated. Add this to the stimulant effects, which could see you losing what should have been a good night’s sleep, the aforementioned issues with dairy and sugar, and you’ve got a recipe for what some folks might call a “bad trip”.

Tea is better, but shares many of the same problems. If you decide to go down the tea route, choose a caffeine free, ethically sourced blend. Be careful with the boiling water commonly used to make tea as it represents a major source of endangerment to tea drinkers across the world. It’s better to use lukewarm water, or better yet get a kettle that cuts off when it reaches a certain temperature. Mine automatically flicks off at 69°C.

Clear your brewing space from all trip hazards and distractions, and follow the directions on the label. A pro-tip: You can buy the tea brand with added relaxation instructions for extra wellbeing.

Water, aside from the risk of drowning or hyponatremia, is probably your best bet for a good night. You’ll love the great taste, the low calories, and if you put it in an old wine bottle scavenged from your flatmate’s empties nobody will even notice you’re not drinking the “clearskin”. It goes down super easy, and it won’t reduce your life expectancy, or rot your teeth, or require dangerous preparation.

Tastes like: Living to 100 years old, outliving all your friends, family and loved ones, life and death
Froth Level: Running your taps for 30 seconds every morning to let the lead out
Pairs well with: Safe sex, sobriety, and second helpings of dessert
Taste rating: 10/10, true neutral

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2021.
Posted 6:30pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Bert "Diggity Dog" Dangerfield .