Archive
A weekly review of every single bloody Adam Sandler film: Pixels
Posted 5:44pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
“OK guys, hear me out. How ‘bout we make a film in which there’s a video game tournament, and we put footage of it in a time capsule. But then aliens find the footage, think we want to one outs them at the back of Maccas, and attack Earth in the guise of video game characters. And Read more...
What's up with Otago students and stealing road signs?
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Who hasn’t stolen a road sign or a road cone, or created a collection of “No Stopping” signs in the corner of their lounge? Flat signs are often made of found materials. Let’s face it, budgets are tight and recycling is a good practice to foster. In the past, signs have Read more...
Dr Mike | Sex and STIs
Posted 5:14pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Mike Peebles
University has begun, which for many people means more procrastinating, more drinking, and more fucking. For others, it means getting back to Elim Church and trying to be wholesome in New Zealand’s city of sin. The combination of drinking and fucking massively increases the risk of three Read more...
Stop Pretending You Like Guiness
Posted 5:10pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Guinness is a fucking scam and you’re only drinking it because you think stomaching it makes you look like a tough cunt one day of the year. Don’t kid yourself – it takes a fucking hour to drink a pint and it’s way too weak to get you on a decent level. Trying to get Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Bazza and Shazza
Posted 5:08pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Bazza I applied for the Critic blind date one night when I was Read more...
Auntie Kell and Mumma Zo | Advice on Getting out of Dunedin
Posted 5:03pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
It is generally advisable not to sleep with someone solely so you can get them to take you out of the city (like my mother did), or out of the country (like Kelly’s mother did). This could leave you with a child in an unknown part of the world. Choice. Hitch-hiking is a possibility, our Read more...
Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna
Posted 5:01pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by David Emanuel
Sealord Canned Tuna is a very polarising substance. At 15 grams of protein, it’s the go-to protein source for beef-cake gym junkies who are poor, and people who claim to be vegetarian, “except when I’m pissed, hungover or stoned bro”. Honestly, if you’re not one of Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 02
Posted 6:04pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic
Students demand more construction on campus The student body has turned out en masse to protest the state of the University’s infrastructure, demanding widespread construction works start immediately. “The buildings are an absolute fucking mess,” one protestor stated. Read more...
Food Reviews | The 99c Couplands Mince and Vege Pie
Posted 4:38pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer
The Couplands (Coop-Lands, not Cope-Lands you fucking cretin) 99c pie is a student’s lifeline. It is the final swipe on tinder before you run out, the eyeroll that the lecturer gives you while you plead your shitty case for another week’s extension on your assignment, the IV drip Read more...
Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium
Posted 4:34pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Released in the early 2000s, Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium. I would go so far as to say that it is one of Sandler’s most underappreciated films, as it gives us a glimpse into his personality. The film’s premise is that the Devil decides not to retire, and two Read more...
The Flat Names Project | The Debacle
Posted 4:33pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
The arrival of students at the beginning of each academic year brings a frisson of excitement to the city, which used to culminate in a toga parade so that, as former OUSA general manager told the ODT, “the community and students could meet and greet each other in a colourful Read more...
Dr Mike | Evolution
Posted 4:31pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Mike Peebles
Evolution. If there’s something that gets Christians going more than pre-marital sex, it’s this bad boy. Evolution is the novel idea that the world is incredibly old (several billion years in fact), and that modern life has slowly developed, rather than spontaneously appearing 6000 years Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Steinlager
Posted 4:29pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Go into any country pub in New Zealand, and look behind the counter. You will find three standard beers that won’t ever change: Speight’s, Tui, and DB Draught. Brown bottle beers that are about as exciting as visiting Gore or your grandparents for the weekend. Then a sparkle hits your Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Coke and Bourbon
Posted 4:26pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Coke After getting my whole flat to pamper me while I knocked back Read more...
Advice on Advising | The Phresher Phlu
Posted 4:24pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Disclaimer: In no way do we support being ill and partying O-week and the first week of lectures have been and gone. This means that all of us attempting to avoid the phresher phlu have now well and truly intermingled. The biggest problem with phresher phlu is that despite O-week being over, Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 01
Posted 4:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic
Albany Cafe to start adding coffee to their coffees In a bold move, Albany Cafe has announced a radical change to the recipe of their brown coffee-style caffeinated liquid, which will for the first time incorporate authentic ground-up coffee beans, grown from actual trees. “It was a bit of Read more...
Editorial : Why This Is the Only Time You Will See the Words ‘Donald Trump’ in Critic This Year.
Posted 4:17pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Joel MacManus
This year, Critic will not be using the first or last name of the current US President. Being a student magazine focused on the University of Otago and Scarfie life in Dunedin, we don’t cover a whole lot of international news, but the influence of American politics has a way of infecting Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | 50 First Dates
Posted 3:56pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Adam Sandler – quite possibly the most fascinating person of our generation. You see, Adam Sandler is an enigma. He literally floats his way through life churning out subpar films. It doesn’t matter if you love or loath the Sandman; as long as you recognize his face and his stupid smug Read more...
Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages
Posted 3:53pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by David Emanuel
Hellers pre-cooked sausages are the antithesis of vegetarianism. Not only are they a meat product, which seems to be a no-go for 90% of whingeing lefties these days, but they are made of pork, lamb, beef and chicken. So unlike that Night n’ Day beef-mince pie you do the demolition job on at Read more...
Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand
Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project: The Influence of J.K Rowling
Posted 3:46pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
The Harry Potter series shattered literary and film-making records. One record that is sure to be unique is the influence it’s had on the naming of student flats. Here in Dunedin there are a number of flats with names influenced by Rowling’s world. The first Potter-inspired flat Read more...
Advice on How to Give Advice: O-week
Posted 3:42pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
O-week is a time when lots of advice is given and received. Here is some advice on how to give advice during O-week. The best thing about O-week is that you don't really need to go to lectures unless you're in Carrington, in which case we definitely advise you to go, that's Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Betty and Archie
Posted 3:01pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic
BETTY My date was already there when I walked in, so it was up to me to set the scene for introductions and, slightly flustered, I went in hot with the hug. TOP TIP though, remember their name – because I did not. And by the time I realised, I was way too far in to ask the poor boy Read more...
Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer
Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...
Science Tank | Jet Debt
Posted 1:34pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
Jet lag arises due to a disturbance of your body’s internal clock, which drives your circadian rhythms. Known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, this ‘master clock’ processes light information from your retinas and tells the pineal gland what’s happening, so that it can Read more...
Lucky in Love | Toyota Hilux & Mitsubishi Lancer
Posted 1:26pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Toyota Hilux I never wanted to sign up for this, but I eventually gave in to the constant Read more...
Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever
Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26
Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Penis
Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 26
Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well. Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...
Editorial | I Can’t E-Van
Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter
On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...
Science Tank | Hear, Hear
Posted 1:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
As someone who hosts a weekly radio show, I was initially excited at the prospect of hearing my own voice in recording. I thought I was a pretty amazing radio presenter and that I sounded like milk, honey and cocaine all in one. Boy, how jarring it was to hear my screechy bagpipe of a wheeze Read more...
Lucky in Love | Beverley & Stuttering Bill
Posted 12:57pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Lovebirds
Beverley The night began encouragingly with my friends telling me that my hair in the wind made me look like Pennywise from It. On that note, they dropped me off at the Bog. I walked in and started chatting to the bar staff, discovering they have seen many an interesting night go down. Hoping my Read more...
The Hell Hole | The Nightmare
Posted 12:47pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joel MacManus
I joined the Young Nats to stop this nightmare. I waved placards at cars, I knocked on doors, I spammed my friends on Facebook until they all blocked me. It wasn’t enough. The day after the election, Dear Leader Jacinda took her oath of office. The red curtain fell. Taxes were raised to Read more...
Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand
Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Could Tu-Not?
Posted 12:24pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde, There’s this guy who eats tuna in the main library every day I am studying in there. It stinks and really distracts me from studying. I can’t stand it! Library studier Ethel says The library works hard to provide an environment which is Read more...
Sage Advice | Exams: A Journey into Hades, Examined by the Beast
Posted 12:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” - Florence Nightingale This question comes from a loyal reader: “I’m shitting bricks about exams. What are some tips on how to do well in an exam?” Thank you for the question. There is an old saying Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Water
Posted 11:00am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
5/5 Things that wouldn’t exist without water: Umbrellas, plumbing, teapots, straws, flippers, periscopes, gutters, islands, sprinklers, water slides, urinals, water fights, water balloons, lifeguards, beaches, icebergs, flippers, saunas, aqueducts, washing powder, surf boards, ice Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 25
Posted 10:11am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week we would like to devote all our space (and most of the Facts and Figures space as well) to addressing the ODT’s cryptic and eye catching post-election image. Interestingly, the ODT decided to avoid any specific reference to Game of Thrones in the picture; presumably to throw Read more...
Editorial | Coalition Negotiations Aside, We Must Not Forget the Important Issues of the Election
Posted 9:20am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joe Higham
What the (provisional) election results reveal, apart from the fact that very few people seem to understand how the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting system works, is that much of New Zealand remains uncomfortable confronting the severity, or even the existence in some cases, of the problems we Read more...
Science Tank | RIP Cassini
Posted 2:33pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
A planet named after the Roman god of time, renewal and liberation seems a fitting final resting place for our lovely friend Cassini-Huygens, whose life was spent furthering astronomical knowledge and the liberation of truth from a far-flung part of our small star system in this abyssal ocean of Read more...
Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E
Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...
Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers
Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...
Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb
Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...
The Hell Hole | Worm
Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon
There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...
Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh
Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale
This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Issue 24
Posted 12:49pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Penicillin (1/5) Helps people live longer and prolong the misery of existence. Also, misleadingly does not contain pencils. Sex (1.5/5) Too much tiring effort. The Wheel (3.5/5) Rolls pretty well. Not much use for other things. Boats Read more...
Clark V. Woodhouse | Student allowances and living costs
Posted 11:31am Sunday 24th September 2017 by David Clark
Michael Woodhouse National is committed to supporting students with the costs associated with tertiary study. A tertiary education is a major investment, not just for you as students, but for New Zealand as a country. New Zealand has one of the most generous student support systems in the Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 24
Posted 11:16am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Good morning, ODT. That’s lovely ODT. Well done. This week the ODT has decided to start a column on how hard different South Island towns are. Next week, Greymouth goes the gym, drinks whatever alcohol Swilliam is reviewing, and then beats someone Read more...
Editorial | Podcasts
Posted 10:30am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lucy Hunter
After all the complaints we received about last week’s editorial, I’d like to say at the outset that this editorial represents the views of Critic, Radio One, everybody at OUSA, the university staff, and the entire student population of Dunedin. By reading this, you must agree with Read more...
Sage Advice | Politics
Posted 2:37pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“Be prepared, there is a small chance that our horrendous leadership could unknowingly lead us into World War III.” - Donald J. Trump, @realDonaldTrump “Tweets on Winston Peters NZ Politician” - Winston Peters, @winstonpeters It’s that time again, Read more...
Lucky in Love | The Macarena & I’m Blue
Posted 2:34pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz The Macarena After ceremonially downing three gin and tonics at my flat I found myself sat in Read more...
Science Tank | Einstein
Posted 2:29pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.” - Albert Einstein This guy kind of needs no introduction but, while most people know that he Read more...
No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB
Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Small Town Tosser Poison recipe
Posted 1:44pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and I think I love him. But last weekend my best friend told me that she saw him in Dunedin kissing another girl at a party when he was meant to be out of town with his friends. I believe her, she is one of my best friends. When Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Metareviews
Posted 12:58pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
0/5 Metareviews are reviews about reviews and they suck. Their primary purpose is to painfully expose that what the reader is reading has been constructed by someone. Theoretically there is a point behind being meta; someone can try to expose that their own work is constructed in order to make Read more...
Mystery Object Hunt (September 18-24)
Posted 12:52pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic
The line-up of wonderful celebratory days this week is something worth celebrating in itself! Monday 18 September – Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day Sometimes there’s really no better way of expressing your feelings than how they are already written in a greeting card. Read more...
ODT Watch | Wedding Edition
Posted 11:29am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week we journey hand-in-hand into the wonder that is the ODT Wedding Guide. Hell, yes! No matter what you do, do NOT let any women speak at your wedding They’ll only gossip, nag, and tell everybody that they don’t want to be there and are being sold by Read more...
Clark V. Woodhouse | Housing
Posted 11:14am Sunday 17th September 2017 by David Clark
Michael Woodhouse Buying a home is often the single biggest purchase a person makes in their lifetime and National is committed to working hard to ensure more New Zealanders are able to own their own home. The most difficult hurdle to overcome for first home buyers is pulling together the Read more...
Editorial | Critic’s View on the General Election: Labour Is the Option For Us
Posted 10:23am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic
Disclaimer: This endorsement is the view of Critic Magazine and was in no way solicited by the Labour Party or any person affiliated with it. It represents the editorial views of the magazine and no one else. At the outset of this editorial, we admit that endorsements of political parties are an Read more...
Mystery Object Hunt (September 11-17)
Posted 2:07pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Critic
Did you know that September is Happy Cat Month? A cause for celebration if ever there was one! Monday 11 September – No News is Good News Day With all this stressful news of war and climate change and Trump and the general election (please vote), it’s important Read more...
Lucky in Love | Bill & Jacinda
Posted 1:53pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Bill I was filled with optimism when I found out that I was accepted to do the blind date. I Read more...
Fluoride is Fine and We Can't Believe That Has to Be Said
Posted 1:39pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
Conspiratorial people love to claim that the government adds fluoride to water and toothpaste in some dastardly plan to make us all sleepy slaves, helpless to resist their evil bidding. The truth, however, is far less scandalous and far more reassuring - fluoride is your friend, my friend, and Read more...
Sage Advice | How to Be a Failure but Still Swag Doe
Posted 1:30pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson
This week’s question comes from another loyal reader: “How can I cope with failure?” Thanks for another great question. The word ‘failure’ is such a loaded term. It carries a lot of negative and unnecessary connotations. I prefer phrases that I’ve invented, Read more...
Cody’s Is A Court Case In A Can
Posted 1:24pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Cody’s: the official drink of obnoxious 12 year-olds getting drunk in skate parks everywhere. This has been by far the most requested drink review. These reviews are not just shit chat spun out of nowhere; they’re an intensive process. We start with a blind taste test to pick up the Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Facing a Void of the Unknown
Posted 1:19pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde, I am graduating at the end of this year and I have no idea what I really want to do. I have some ideas, like doing a PGdip or working for a year and then doing some post grad, but mostly I am really confused about what’s the right thing to choose and don’t want to Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Pangolins
Posted 12:20pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
3/5 Majestic creatures of the highest rank. Hard to draw. Admonishments to Chelle Fitzgerald for the silly face. There is no room for amusement in this column. Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 22
Posted 11:22am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week, the ODT are reporting on perhaps the best story ever. Yip, it’s a father-son fashion competition. Unfortunately, they provided a picture of a group of winners. Wow, three people wearing caps and sunglasses. What co-ordination, what elegance, what subtle Read more...
Clark V. Woodhouse | Is the New Zealand Health Care System “the Envy of the World”?
Posted 11:10am Sunday 10th September 2017 by David Clark
David Clark The government recently told cancer sector leaders that our healthcare system is “the envy of the World”. That comment has been roundly criticised. Australians are able to access new and innovative medicines, while New Zealanders are not. They know that our cancer Read more...
Editorial | OUSA Finds Itself At a Crossroads, and It’s Down to You to Decide the Route
Posted 10:25am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Joe Higham
During the OUSA Executive Election Forums that were held last week there emerged a clear division in the ideological outlook and approach held by the candidates in the hope of bringing about institutional change. That division was between those intent on working with the university to bring about Read more...
Poetry Corner | Machinations
Posted 2:55pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mel Ansell
Great cogs turn beneath me. The people and things around me rotate toward and away from me, orrerie of some incalculable gravitational pull. If we are close - let us be close, lock teeth. For some force is already working against us, pushing on. The Read more...
Science Tank | Homebrewed Ginger Beer
Posted 2:52pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Equipment needed: 1 30L plastic bucket, an airlock, some sanitiser. All available for under $35 from your local homebrew store. Recipe: Get your biggest kitchen pot. That one you use to make soup. Fill it up with water and bring to the boil. Grate up 500g of ginger root. Fresh Read more...
Lucky in Love | Edward & Bella
Posted 2:47pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Edward Where do I start? As a fifth year I’ve only ever picked up Critic for this one Read more...
Sage Advice | A Grandfather’s Wisdom
Posted 2:41pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“My grandfather was a wonderful role model. Through him I got to know the gentle side of men.” - Sarah Long This week a loyal reader has kindly forwarded me an email from her grandad, chock-full of advice. She wishes to keep their identities secret, but I can reveal that Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Hanging Round like a Bad Smell
Posted 2:33pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde, We are yet another bunch of unfortunate second years faced with the issue of a flatmate's unsavoury boyfriend. He has ruined our relationship with our flatmate, who gave him a key without our (or the landlord’s) permission. We’ve asked for his key back twice, Read more...
DB Draught is the Winston Peters of Beers
Posted 2:27pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
DB Draught is an old man’s drink. A sip on the lips is reminiscent of a hard day fucking sheep and feeding the chickens. It’s been around since before any of us could remember, and it will be around long after we die. Just like Winston Peters. If Jesus turned water into wine, then Read more...
The Hell Hole | Things that disgust me Part II
Posted 2:20pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Drinking a glass of someone else’s phlegm. Making out with your dog. Caking your open eyes in dry sand. Swallowing a whole plastic bag then pulling it out again. A couch that someone slept on for thirty years. Fish feasting on a rotten human foot. Your butt pubes and your head hair swapping. Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | The Pope
Posted 1:49pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
5/5 Great hat. Also, Popemobile. Read more...
Clark V. Woodhouse | What is the Best Way to Deal with Youth Offenders?
Posted 11:10am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by David Clark
David Clark Over the past few weeks there has been discussion about youth offending, and how New Zealand can address it. The difference in approach between National and Labour on this issue could not be clearer. The current government has announced that they will set up army-run boot camps for Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 21
Posted 11:02am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week, the ODT is reporting on something that will revolutionise agriculture. Just imagine a future where humans are able to grow crops. Close your eyes and imagine. Just imagine. Next, the ODT has finally lost the ability to tell young people (people under the age Read more...
Editorial | Bring About Positive Change
Posted 10:13am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Joe Higham
With the OUSA Executive Election period finally upon us, student political enthusiasts and commentators alike (admittedly a rare, nerdy breed by my own admission) are feeling as though Christmas has come early. For those unaware of what this means, next week you have the opportunity to vote for Read more...
Mystery Object Hunt (August 21-27)
Posted 2:08pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Critic
There’s a fairly wholesome week ahead, people! Enjoy the break. Monday 21 August – Senior Citizens Day While the average Critic reader probably lacks the grey hair of today’s demographic, we all know of at least one senior citizen who deserves a medal. I for one Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Laptop Craptop
Posted 1:46pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde, I have a faulty laptop. Problems started not long after I bought it, but I was too busy to take it back, so I just tried to keep going, but it is not connecting to any wifi and this makes it pretty much useless to me. I’ve taken it in twice and they just send me away Read more...
Wild Moose is Liquid Happiness
Posted 1:37pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
The name “Wild Moose” really does describe this bevvy perfectly. It’s soft and brown but incredibly wild. Try and tame this majestic beast and you may struggle, but if you succeed, you will be treated with the night of your life. Wild Mouse is an inspiring message of hope to all Read more...
Lucky in Love | Fred & Wilma
Posted 1:32pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Fred Having woken up fully clothed and alone on a Sunday, you can only imagine my excitement Read more...
Poetry Corner | institutional blues
Posted 1:22pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Vanessa
when theres shit in your shoes and ant it the news when youve done a u turn and noone takes turns left or right or in between no-ones saying what they mean, institutional yellows like custard pudd, voices in my head saying do what you should but Read more...
Sage Advice | Romance
Posted 1:18pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.” – Carolyn Gold Heilbrun This question comes from another loyal reader: “My love life is in dire straits right now, but I really want to make it work! Sage Advice please Read more...
Science Tank | Snake Bite
Posted 1:10pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Wee Doubt
A single drop of Russell’s viper venom will turn blood in a cup into a coagulated blob that looks like moulded jelly. However, in a living body, the venom has a different effect. The venom reacts with a protein in your blood called Factor X, creating proteins called fibrin, which cause the Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Pipes
Posted 12:17pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Various/5 This week we’re talking about pipes. Pipes are very old. In the Beginning, when pipes wriggled out of the ground like snakes (Snakes, 5/5), pipes were only cool enough to hang out with legless lizards (Legless Lizards, 0/5). How things have changed; the genealogy of Read more...
David Clark | Dunedin Hospital Update
Posted 11:00am Sunday 20th August 2017 by David Clark
The health system across Otago/Southland is struggling more than most – in fact, it’s creaking at its seams. There are likely to be many contributing causes to this current predicament, including the short-funding of health, and a funding model that seems to work against the South. But Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 20
Posted 10:54am Sunday 20th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Make way! The messiah is among us. Make way! For He shall lead us through the fire. Then, a cutting piece of investigative journalism. Turns out melons cost more in winter. Who knew. This week the ODT has some truly mindbending wisdom to Read more...
Editorial | Otago Students Need a Mouthpiece to Speak on Their Behalf More than Ever
Posted 10:10am Sunday 20th August 2017 by Joe Higham
Critic has recently received several ‘Letters to the Editor’ criticising the OUSA Executive, particularly President Hugh Baird, for not taking a stance on some of the year’s most pressing issues. The ten members of the Exec have been inundated with a disproportionately large amount Read more...
Sage Advice | Art
Posted 1:05pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.” - Pablo Picasso Art is... mysterious. Is it the physical embodiment of the human soul? Is it the pale reflection of a world we can never reach? Will the subtle genius of my Care Bears-themed erotic Read more...
Science Tank | Cold Readers: The First Circle of Hell
Posted 1:00pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Anon
It was 2010 and my father had passed away earlier that year. My usual logic blinded by grief, I did what any standard mourner would do and booked an appointment to see a medium. Walking into her home-cum-spiritual lair, I immediately noticed the tacky abundance of quartz crystals (when will people Read more...
Smirnoff Ice Double Black Is the Perfect Drink for a Kids Birthday Party
Posted 12:56pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Smirnoff Ice Double Black is a drink for children, and adults who are still children at heart. It may technically be alcoholic, but as far as your taste buds would know, it’s just a kind of weird lemonade. ‘Scientists’ will tell you that the amount of guarana in these bad boys Read more...
Poetry Corner | (No Title)
Posted 12:52pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Darude
Rotate Jolting with the pivot as a roiling boil bubbles your bloodstream too little, a tepid time bomb or else, volcanically explosive coating your cell with the splatter of mincemeat all will be resolved at the next flat meeting “Do we need a Read more...
The Hell Hole | Things that disgust me
Posted 12:42pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
Cats with hands, kelp with hands, mould with eyes. Unanswered emails. Your toenail on your sheets. Falling into a wood chipper. A greasy coffee cup. Peeling your veins with a potato peeler. Balloons filled with mustard gas. Mugs with chipped rims. Teeth made out of porcelain. Anything smaller than a Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | An Unwanted Breath of Fresh Air
Posted 12:36pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel and Hyde Our property manager is showing people through our flat for next year, and, to make it easier for us all, is only doing this once a week on a Monday afternoon. This Monday, we came home to find that the backdoor was wide open. We know we left it locked and shut. The only Read more...
Lucky in Love | Peas & Carrots
Posted 12:30pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Peas “I wonder if this is two standards,” I thought, contemplating the Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | The Egyptian Pyramids
Posted 12:22pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
2.5/5 One of the biggest problems with Egyptian Pyramids is their distribution. Out of the 196 (suck it Xi) countries of the world, Egypt is the only country that has Egyptian pyramids. We need to fairly distribute those resources. We are the 99.489 percent. Of course one of the large popular Read more...
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