Archive
Man Returns From Dead to Ask: “U Up?”
Posted 9:04pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic
Several mourners of late Dunedin man Chaz Chadderson (19) were shocked to receive a text from him at 2am on Sunday morning. Chadderson, an active participant in the Dunedin community, had been memorialised after he went missing and was assumed dead. Kelsey Summers, Bianca Laurens, Patricia Read more...
Student Claims 1/64th Heritage to Justify Offensive Hyde St Costume
Posted 9:02pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic
“I’ve been on Ancestry.com, that means I can dress like a chola,” claims local third year student Becky Kane upon purchasing her Hyde St keg party costume. Kane justified her lazily stereotypical costume of a Mexican drug cartel member through “watching Narcos” and Read more...
Post Facts | Issue 08
Posted 8:52pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic
You can bring up any baby animal underwater and it will learn to breath like a fish “Nippy” means cold because all nipples are inherently cold A conversation between three people is called a tri-alouge A provisional conversation between three people is called a trial-alouge A Read more...
Dr Nick | Climate Change, and What You Can Do to Help
Posted 7:51pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Dr. Nick
The world’s climate is changing. “Once in 100 years” storms now seem to be happening yearly. Flooding is becoming increasingly common. Ski conditions are a shell of what they once were. Climate change is here. While the conversation used to be about how to prevent it, the question Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Adam Sandler Himself
Posted 7:49pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Time to get real with you all. Uni is kicking my ass right now. I’m behind on my work and the last thing I want to do is waste two hours of my time reviewing another shitty Adam Sandler film. I started reading my reviews in his voice as if he was mocking me. The other night I couldn’t Read more...
Critic Food Review | Ginger Kisses
Posted 7:45pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Cameron De Leijer
Ginger kisses contain both gingers and kisses, blended together in some sort of large grinder, which surely can’t be ethical. Both gingers and kisses are average on their own, but when combined they become equal to the sum of their parts. In Poland in 1942 one lucky solider, Gretchilio Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | Staying in Touch
Posted 7:42pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
As long as student flats have been named, students have communicated their identity in a number of ways – in addition to hanging a shingle out the front of the house, that is. These means of identification go hand in hand with the communications technology of the time. Way back in 1991, I paid Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Correctly Identified a Cucumber
Posted 6:22pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT are pondering a question Simple: Presbyterians, Vegetarians, Finns and anyone whose surname includes the letter J. But nobody else! Next, the ODT forgot the difference between past and present tense It “was” to Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Wonder Woman The Critic blind date seems to have a Read more...
Advice on Giving Advice | How to Give it to That Git in the Middle of the U-Bar Mosh
Posted 6:03pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Pint night is the old-but-kinda-nouveau-new thing for those who are keen on a social Wednesday evening. Because of this, the U-Bar mosh is arguably the most sociologically significant location for Dunedin students. There is an important code of etiquette to partaking in the mosh, so freshers listen Read more...
Corona Tastes Like Nothing
Posted 5:58pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Corona is popular. No understatement, Corona is like herpes, because every third person in the room has it, and it’s usually a fuckboi. Like a dude passed out on the couch and a girl crying on the verandha, Corona is the permanent staple of every flat party. They’re nice to drink, but Read more...
Animal Research Lab Discovers Stab Wounds Are Deadly for Many Marine Animals
Posted 11:23pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
University of Otago zoology researchers have reported groundbreaking findings with the help of the new Animal Research Lab. According to a study by professor John Radlow, many marine animals, including salmon, trout, squid, and penguins, were found to be highly susceptible to injury and/or death Read more...
“Nice Guys Always Finish Last,” Says Man Who Regularly Calls Women “Cunts” on the Internet
Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
“Bitches and sluts these days only wanna date jerks. No luck for nice guys like me,” said local man Brandon Lee in an internet rant yesterday. Lee, who is known for his extremist political opinions, anime fandom, and general unpleasantness, complained bitterly about “always being Read more...
Hyde Street Lad Revamps Wardrobe by Adding Second Pair of Jandals
Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
Boomer Jenkins, a third year lad and resident at The Chum Bucket on Hyde Street, has announced a new look for the fall season. After blowing out his Student Life Jandals, Boomer invested in a slick blue and white pair from the Kmart $4 section. “I like to keep things fresh,” Boomer Read more...
Aspiring Songwriter Discovers Metaphor About Love and Drugs
Posted 11:19pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
In the middle of a four hour weed-fuelled songwriting blitz, local musician Kezza Richards wrote a line he believes will “fucking change the game bro”. In what may be a first for the music industry, Kezza has drawn an analogy between the emotion of love and certain illegal mind-altering Read more...
The Post-Fact World | Issue 07
Posted 10:53pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
Raisins are dehydrated mouse brains Mouse brains are dehydrated mouse brains Human brains are hydrated pineapples Steve Buscemi is the slowly decaying corpse of Adam Sandler’s original body Green pens are better for the environment Octopus ink is octopus stink Jesus is the Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | Jack and Jill
Posted 10:28pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Honestly, following the shit show that was That’s My Boy last week, I feel at the end of my tether with this fucking column. Adam Sandler is beginning to ruin my life. Every week I question my morals and reevaluate my life as I have to choose another Sandler film to watch. Why have I subjected Read more...
Food Reviews | Lisa's Hummus
Posted 10:26pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by David Emanuel
Hummus is the best thing to come out of the Middle East since oil. Lisa’s Hummus is a sure-fire way to add an exotic blast to any average student meal. Its wonderful flavour hits your tongue like an airstrike. Nobody quite knows who actually invented hummus, but what we can be sure about is Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Six60 Flat
Posted 10:24pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Seven years ago on a rainy Monday morning in Christchurch, I picked up the phone and called Ji Fraser from Six60, to interview him about his band, named after their flat at 660 Castle Street. When I asked him about how he found flatting in Dunedin, he responded diplomatically: “Flats are not Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Cleanskin Pinot Gris
Posted 10:22pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Cleanskin Pinot Gris is a playful number that dances gently on the taste buds and fills the room with laughter. Of course, by “dance,” I mean “stomp” and by “laughter” I mean “screams of pain”. Cleanskin takes all the leftover backwash from all the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Minnie and Mickey
Posted 10:20pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Minnie The night started nervously at 7:00 pm with a fine bottle Read more...
Advice on Giving Advice | How to Win Every Drinking Game
Posted 10:18pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
If you exist in or around North Dunedin and are somewhere between 18 and 24 years of age, drinking games are gonna be an essential part of your life. Most of us can’t remember our first drinking game, and that’s because a lot of us didn’t have someone to advise us on how Read more...
The Week the ODT Didn’t Know What a Bridge Was
Posted 10:05pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week we have a dramatic encounter The ODT was facing up against their nemesis: the concept of “fun”. The ODT have noticed a problem Oh no. Not the biting spiders, why can’t it be the singing Read more...
Advice on How to Advise People That Now Really Isn’t the Time.
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Sometimes, even the people you are closest to get your knickers in a twist. Sometimes you want to be polite to them and avoid them. And sometimes they don’t even deserve that sort of evasive kindness. Now we’re not suggesting you get it out in a fisticuffs brawl at Castle St on Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry
Posted 10:45pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Meghan It was 7pm. I’m sitting on the couch in my sweaty Read more...
Dr Nick | Developmental Origins – The Sickness of Poverty
Posted 10:41pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Dr. Nick
Easter has come and gone, which means that Dunedin is about to get a lot colder, and students are about to get a lot sicker. The combination of low Dunedin temperatures, a complete lack of insulation in Dunedin flats, plus some very questionable student diets significantly increases the risk of Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | Being Something You’re Not
Posted 10:37pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Flats with names like Dunedin Police Department, Department of Corrections, and Bed and Breakfast, had homemade signs and were obviously not what they claimed to be. Sometimes signs, like Dunedin Casino or the Glenorchy Tavern or Speight’s, have been “acquired”. There are a couple Read more...
Food Reviews | Mainland Edam Cheese
Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by David Emanuel
Mainland’s Edam 1kg block is the cheese of the people (when it’s on special at the same price as the budget stuff). It is a staple of both the upper and working classes, and that strange place at the bottom of the social hierarchy that students occupy. It is to the purveyor of simple but Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | That's My Boy
Posted 10:31pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
OOOOOH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT. NO. NOPE. NO. NO. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS FILM EXISTS. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ENRAGED AND DISGUSTED AND CONFUSED AT THE SAME TIME. WORDS CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW TERRIBLE THIS FILM IS. FUCKING HELL ADAM SANDLER, WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS? FOR REAL THE Read more...
Drinking Victoria Bitter Makes You a Bad Person
Posted 10:29pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Victoria Bitter is the most embarrassing thing about Australian cricket right now. With all the shenanigans going on, a review of this atrocity seemed appropriate. Watching Davey Warner cry was about as awesome as the first time I got a boner, and twice as satisfying. Cutting straight to the Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Did Exactly What They Always Do
Posted 10:07pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
The ODT’s actions this week are shrouded in secrecy Then some classic ODT whinging ‘It’s bad, but has been worse’ is both the ODT’s catchphrase and a good description of them. In classic Read more...
The Post-Fact World | Issue 06
Posted 9:54pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic
Anteaters don’t actually eat ants, they just give them a little ride on their tongue It’s illegal to eat party mix if you’re not having a party One square of toilet paper is exactly enough paper for a dolphin to choke to death on Wombs are reverse tombs The Dunedin Read more...
Real Facts | Issue 06
Posted 9:51pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic
The Queen does the washing-up once a year. There’s a special hut at Balmoral for her to do it in. Fighter pilots in stressful situations release such large amounts of hormones that they may ejaculate. German city Trier has replaced some of its crosswalk lights with tiny images of Karl Read more...
Experts Confirm Grant Robertson Would Be Fucking Great to Get on the Piss with
Posted 9:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic
The Minister of Finance has been assessed by experts who have confirmed that he would be able to sink a lot of piss and entertain people with his belly laughs. Robertson confirmed this, saying “Yeah, fucking oath. I’m an old school rooster.” The former OUSA President said he only Read more...
DCC Planning Controversial Merger with Comics Giant DC
Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic
In a move that is angering fans of the local government authority, the Dunedin City Council has announced a merger with Detective Comics. “Nothing in the DC Universe persuades me that they have any respect for city councils,” said one die-hard fan of the DCC. “Their Read more...
Ed Sheeran Says Dunedin ‘Kinda Clingy’
Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Mel Ansell
Ed Sheeran is reportedly “disturbed” by Dunedin misinterpreting his desire for a one-weekend no holds barred, no strings attached song-fest. He said he’d come to Dunedin making it clear he was only here for “a good time, not a long time”. It was unusual for Sheeran to Read more...
The ODT’s Most Punishing Ed Sheeran Puns
Posted 9:28pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Joel MacManus
Readers of the ODT this week were bombarded with a barrage of the highest form of humour known to the ODT’s reporters – painfully forced puns. The first ever Ed Sheeran pun in the ODT, from way back when the tour was first announced. No one could’ve Read more...
Bosch, 3M in Bidding War to be Official Sandpaper Sponsor of Australian Cricket Team
Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
Industrial Sandpaper companies Bosch and 3M are reportedly in a heated bidding war over the coveted sandpaper sponsorship rights for the Australian cricket team. While in recent years the sandpaper supplier has been considered a low-level sponsorship deal, the deal is considered Read more...
Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown
Posted 12:39pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he actually likes the taste of notoriously cheap and nasty beer Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” When asked what inspired his Read more...
For a Building, UniPol Is Looking Super Judgy Right Now
Posted 12:28pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
Man, UniPol is totally looking like an asshole right now. Shut your stupid face, you dumb building. I don’t even care, it’s just a pizza. OK, it’s like the third straight day I’ve had pizza. And this is three straight nights of drinking. Still, I’m an adult. Shut up, Read more...
Man Left Embarrassed After Yet Again Failing to Find the Vagina
Posted 12:27pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
“Up a bit, no, too high. Fuck it, I’ll put it in myself then,” a Dunedin man’s partner was overheard loudly exclaiming during one of their bi-monthly hanky-panky sessions. The man, whose meaty highlighter reportedly shrunk to a chewed pencil stub with shame, told the Read more...
Mature Student Has an Interesting Life Story to Share With All 200 People in Lecture
Posted 12:24pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
The entire class of LAWS101 considered themselves lucky on Tuesday, after mature student Edith van Borkel treated them all to a fascinating and highly informative tale about her own life. Everyone was enthralled as she spent a full eight minutes describing her son’s brief encounter with the Read more...
Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship
Posted 12:22pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie
Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was added by local girl Moira June, Mannering swooped into the comments, implying that York had been sexually interested in Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 05
Posted 11:37pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic
Report: Most Snapchat Group Snaps Are Just Hungover Dudes Talking About How Hungover They Are According to figures released by Snap Inc, upwards of 80% of male Snapchat group conversations are just dudes lying in bed dying of alcohol poisoning the night after they all got drunk together. Read more...
Real Facts | Issue 05
Posted 10:51pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic
In his lecture notes, Stephen Hawking wrote “Galeelaeo” and “Ahristottal” so that his speech synthesizer would pronounce the scientists’ names correctly. The term “slapstick” comes from a device used in 16th-century Italian stage comedy — a stick Read more...
The Post Fact World | Issue 05
Posted 10:49pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic
Paper is made out of trees, therefore books must be made out of very big trees Sunglasses are actually made to shield the sun from our harsh, judgy eyes ‘Vagina’, ‘vulture’ and ‘vuvuzela’ all come from the same Greek word meaning ‘scary’ Salad Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Were Full of Themselves
Posted 9:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week, the ODT has a vey high opinion of themselves indeed. There’s nothing more “eminent” and “witty” than talking about how eminent and witty you are. Desperate to live up to their self-awarded wittiness, the ODT then engaged Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught
Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...
Simple Recipes for Simple People: BLTs
Posted 8:44pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Lachie Robertson
BLTs are the Conrad Smith of feeds. Not underrated, because everyone froths them, but also not everyone’s first thought when it comes to the all-time greats. They’re fucking good though, the whole package really. Whether we’re talking flat dinners, hungover feeds or a 3 am Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Big Daddy
Posted 8:41pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
In all honesty, I’ve been waiting to review this film merely because I love the thought of having “Adam Sandler” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. “Big Daddy” is shit. God, it’s such a terrible film. This film makes absolutely no fucking sense. Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | Who Gnomes About Pussy Planet?
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Not far from the 24 hour dairy on George Street stands a large two storey weatherboard house that has been converted to a 7 bedroom flat. For many years it has had a name, possibly as long as a decade, but last year’s residents made what may be its very first sign. Of the more than 500 Read more...
Who the Fuck Even Was Stephen Hawking?
Posted 8:36pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Dr. Nick
Stephen Hawking died last week on the 14th of March 2018. He was arguably one of the most well-known scientists of the last half century. He was even something of a pop culture icon, with appearances in “The Simpsons,” “Futurama,” and more. Most white, male scientists are Read more...
Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar
Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...
Advice on Giving Advice | Advice on Sending It
Posted 8:26pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
If you are reading this thinking we’re about to deliver some absolute pearlers on how to be the most productive you you’ve ever been, you’re about to be more disappointed than hearing certain presidential election results. To be utterly frank, we operate purely off mantras. Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Drake and Josh
Posted 8:19pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Drake I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a Read more...
Real Facts | Issue 04
Posted 10:55pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic
John Lennon and George Harrison once got a bus across Liverpool to visit a man who could teach them the chord B7. In the late Middle Ages, books were so valuable that libraries would chain them to the bookcase. This was widely practiced until the 18th century. Ladybird sex sessions can last Read more...
14 Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Post Malone
Posted 10:51pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic
Post Malone translates in Latin as “after-dinner mints” Post Malone is named after Posts Malone, a fencing company in Malone, Florida A “Malone” is a male lone Post Malone and Childish Gambino are actually Siamese twins Post Malone is the only person to ever be 77 Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Smoked Some Weed and Told Ghost Stories
Posted 10:14pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week we jump right into the high-octane world of the ODT’s opinion section. Riveting, absolutely riveting. Next, I imagine the ODT gazing out of a window running aesthetically with rain while Bic Runga plays in the background, pondering the muses Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 04
Posted 10:11pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic
Lecturer Tells IT Person to Get Fucked He’s had it. After ten years of computers, OHPs and sound systems not working in lectures, a brave lecturer has finally told a patronising member of the IT support staff to get fucked. Students in the first year class couldn’t believe what Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Happy Gilmore
Posted 9:33pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
We are literally only four weeks into this column and I must admit, I’m starting to feel defeated. I genuinely do not understand him. Half of me believes that he is the greatest mastermind of all time, producing the same slightly altered content to rake in the money, and the other half Read more...
Critic Food Review | Cadbury Creme Egg
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer
Many believe that the art of painting hard boiled eggs in spring time was a pagan ritual that represented new life, fertility and rebirth. Many others believe that Christians stole the ritual, rebranded it and related it to the resurrection of Christ. Others suspect, thanks to da Vinci’s Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | Signs of Sex
Posted 9:29pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
There is a prevalent sexual theme running through the history of Dunedin’s named flats, though on analysis it is a minority. No doubt the thematic vein of possibilities has not been thoroughly mined. The sexual references in flat names tend broadly to people’s bits, things related to Read more...
Hi, Dr Nick | The Love Hormone?
Posted 9:28pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Dr. Nick
Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland; a hormone-producing gland that is located at the base of the brain. In recent years it has been referred to as the “love” hormone, the “cuddle” hormone, and just about everything else positive under Read more...
Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”
Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...
The Definitive Guide to Talking About The Sex That You Or Other People Are Having
Posted 9:20pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Here’s the thing with sex – like most things you will do in your life, it’s going to be good, it’s going to be bad, and it will often seem like a good idea when you’re drunk. But, just like getting sex advice from your well-meaning father, you don’t need to always Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Nakia and T'Challa
Posted 9:16pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic
Nakia I’ve heard some tragic stories about these blind dates, but what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? After months of good old peer pressure from the girls, I thought I’d spice up my life and finally gave in. I made quite the entrance when my friend dropped me Read more...
Is this the ODT's worst ever headline pun?
Posted 11:41am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week the ODT have tried to force a pun even worse than usual, Ah yes, because “brass” was used to indicate coinage in the Victorian era, and caulis (the commonly used abbreviation of cauliflower) are becoming more expensive, and cauliflowers are brassicas. It writes Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 03
Posted 11:11am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Critic
Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was Read more...
A weekly review of every single bloody Adam Sandler film: Pixels
Posted 5:44pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
“OK guys, hear me out. How ‘bout we make a film in which there’s a video game tournament, and we put footage of it in a time capsule. But then aliens find the footage, think we want to one outs them at the back of Maccas, and attack Earth in the guise of video game characters. And Read more...
What's up with Otago students and stealing road signs?
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Who hasn’t stolen a road sign or a road cone, or created a collection of “No Stopping” signs in the corner of their lounge? Flat signs are often made of found materials. Let’s face it, budgets are tight and recycling is a good practice to foster. In the past, signs have Read more...
Dr Mike | Sex and STIs
Posted 5:14pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Mike Peebles
University has begun, which for many people means more procrastinating, more drinking, and more fucking. For others, it means getting back to Elim Church and trying to be wholesome in New Zealand’s city of sin. The combination of drinking and fucking massively increases the risk of three Read more...
Stop Pretending You Like Guiness
Posted 5:10pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Guinness is a fucking scam and you’re only drinking it because you think stomaching it makes you look like a tough cunt one day of the year. Don’t kid yourself – it takes a fucking hour to drink a pint and it’s way too weak to get you on a decent level. Trying to get Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Bazza and Shazza
Posted 5:08pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Bazza I applied for the Critic blind date one night when I was Read more...
Auntie Kell and Mumma Zo | Advice on Getting out of Dunedin
Posted 5:03pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
It is generally advisable not to sleep with someone solely so you can get them to take you out of the city (like my mother did), or out of the country (like Kelly’s mother did). This could leave you with a child in an unknown part of the world. Choice. Hitch-hiking is a possibility, our Read more...
Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna
Posted 5:01pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by David Emanuel
Sealord Canned Tuna is a very polarising substance. At 15 grams of protein, it’s the go-to protein source for beef-cake gym junkies who are poor, and people who claim to be vegetarian, “except when I’m pissed, hungover or stoned bro”. Honestly, if you’re not one of Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 02
Posted 6:04pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic
Students demand more construction on campus The student body has turned out en masse to protest the state of the University’s infrastructure, demanding widespread construction works start immediately. “The buildings are an absolute fucking mess,” one protestor stated. Read more...
Food Reviews | The 99c Couplands Mince and Vege Pie
Posted 4:38pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer
The Couplands (Coop-Lands, not Cope-Lands you fucking cretin) 99c pie is a student’s lifeline. It is the final swipe on tinder before you run out, the eyeroll that the lecturer gives you while you plead your shitty case for another week’s extension on your assignment, the IV drip Read more...
Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium
Posted 4:34pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Released in the early 2000s, Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium. I would go so far as to say that it is one of Sandler’s most underappreciated films, as it gives us a glimpse into his personality. The film’s premise is that the Devil decides not to retire, and two Read more...
The Flat Names Project | The Debacle
Posted 4:33pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
The arrival of students at the beginning of each academic year brings a frisson of excitement to the city, which used to culminate in a toga parade so that, as former OUSA general manager told the ODT, “the community and students could meet and greet each other in a colourful Read more...
Dr Mike | Evolution
Posted 4:31pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Mike Peebles
Evolution. If there’s something that gets Christians going more than pre-marital sex, it’s this bad boy. Evolution is the novel idea that the world is incredibly old (several billion years in fact), and that modern life has slowly developed, rather than spontaneously appearing 6000 years Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Steinlager
Posted 4:29pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Go into any country pub in New Zealand, and look behind the counter. You will find three standard beers that won’t ever change: Speight’s, Tui, and DB Draught. Brown bottle beers that are about as exciting as visiting Gore or your grandparents for the weekend. Then a sparkle hits your Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Coke and Bourbon
Posted 4:26pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Coke After getting my whole flat to pamper me while I knocked back Read more...
Advice on Advising | The Phresher Phlu
Posted 4:24pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Disclaimer: In no way do we support being ill and partying O-week and the first week of lectures have been and gone. This means that all of us attempting to avoid the phresher phlu have now well and truly intermingled. The biggest problem with phresher phlu is that despite O-week being over, Read more...
The Critical Tribune | Issue 01
Posted 4:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic
Albany Cafe to start adding coffee to their coffees In a bold move, Albany Cafe has announced a radical change to the recipe of their brown coffee-style caffeinated liquid, which will for the first time incorporate authentic ground-up coffee beans, grown from actual trees. “It was a bit of Read more...
Editorial : Why This Is the Only Time You Will See the Words ‘Donald Trump’ in Critic This Year.
Posted 4:17pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Joel MacManus
This year, Critic will not be using the first or last name of the current US President. Being a student magazine focused on the University of Otago and Scarfie life in Dunedin, we don’t cover a whole lot of international news, but the influence of American politics has a way of infecting Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | 50 First Dates
Posted 3:56pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Adam Sandler – quite possibly the most fascinating person of our generation. You see, Adam Sandler is an enigma. He literally floats his way through life churning out subpar films. It doesn’t matter if you love or loath the Sandman; as long as you recognize his face and his stupid smug Read more...
Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages
Posted 3:53pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by David Emanuel
Hellers pre-cooked sausages are the antithesis of vegetarianism. Not only are they a meat product, which seems to be a no-go for 90% of whingeing lefties these days, but they are made of pork, lamb, beef and chicken. So unlike that Night n’ Day beef-mince pie you do the demolition job on at Read more...
Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand
Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project: The Influence of J.K Rowling
Posted 3:46pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
The Harry Potter series shattered literary and film-making records. One record that is sure to be unique is the influence it’s had on the naming of student flats. Here in Dunedin there are a number of flats with names influenced by Rowling’s world. The first Potter-inspired flat Read more...
Advice on How to Give Advice: O-week
Posted 3:42pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
O-week is a time when lots of advice is given and received. Here is some advice on how to give advice during O-week. The best thing about O-week is that you don't really need to go to lectures unless you're in Carrington, in which case we definitely advise you to go, that's Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Betty and Archie
Posted 3:01pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic
BETTY My date was already there when I walked in, so it was up to me to set the scene for introductions and, slightly flustered, I went in hot with the hug. TOP TIP though, remember their name – because I did not. And by the time I realised, I was way too far in to ask the poor boy Read more...
Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer
Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...
Science Tank | Jet Debt
Posted 1:34pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
Jet lag arises due to a disturbance of your body’s internal clock, which drives your circadian rhythms. Known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, this ‘master clock’ processes light information from your retinas and tells the pineal gland what’s happening, so that it can Read more...
Lucky in Love | Toyota Hilux & Mitsubishi Lancer
Posted 1:26pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lovebirds
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz Toyota Hilux I never wanted to sign up for this, but I eventually gave in to the constant Read more...
Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever
Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson
“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...
Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26
Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support
Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...
Inventions Out of Time | Penis
Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 26
Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well. Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...
Editorial | I Can’t E-Van
Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter
On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...
Science Tank | Hear, Hear
Posted 1:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald
As someone who hosts a weekly radio show, I was initially excited at the prospect of hearing my own voice in recording. I thought I was a pretty amazing radio presenter and that I sounded like milk, honey and cocaine all in one. Boy, how jarring it was to hear my screechy bagpipe of a wheeze Read more...
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