Archive

Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown

Posted 12:39pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he actually likes the taste of notoriously cheap and nasty beer Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” When asked what inspired his Read more...

For a Building, UniPol Is Looking Super Judgy Right Now

Posted 12:28pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Man, UniPol is totally looking like an asshole right now. Shut your stupid face, you dumb building. I don’t even care, it’s just a pizza. OK, it’s like the third straight day I’ve had pizza. And this is three straight nights of drinking. Still, I’m an adult. Shut up, Read more...

Man Left Embarrassed After Yet Again Failing to Find the Vagina

Posted 12:27pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

“Up a bit, no, too high. Fuck it, I’ll put it in myself then,” a Dunedin man’s partner was overheard loudly exclaiming during one of their bi-monthly hanky-panky sessions. The man, whose meaty highlighter reportedly shrunk to a chewed pencil stub with shame, told the Read more...

Mature Student Has an Interesting Life Story to Share With All 200 People in Lecture

Posted 12:24pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

The entire class of LAWS101 considered themselves lucky on Tuesday, after mature student Edith van Borkel treated them all to a fascinating and highly informative tale about her own life. Everyone was enthralled as she spent a full eight minutes describing her son’s brief encounter with the Read more...

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship

Posted 12:22pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was added by local girl Moira June, Mannering swooped into the comments, implying that York had been sexually interested in Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 05

Posted 11:37pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Report: Most Snapchat Group Snaps Are Just Hungover Dudes Talking About How Hungover They Are According to figures released by Snap Inc, upwards of 80% of male Snapchat group conversations are just dudes lying in bed dying of alcohol poisoning the night after they all got drunk together. Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 05

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

In his lecture notes, Stephen Hawking wrote “Galeelaeo” and “Ahristottal” so that his speech synthesizer would pronounce the scientists’ names correctly. The term “slapstick” comes from a device used in 16th-century Italian stage comedy — a stick Read more...

The Post Fact World | Issue 05

Posted 10:49pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Paper is made out of trees, therefore books must be made out of very big trees Sunglasses are actually made to shield the sun from our harsh, judgy eyes ‘Vagina’, ‘vulture’ and ‘vuvuzela’ all come from the same Greek word meaning ‘scary’ Salad Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Were Full of Themselves

Posted 9:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week, the ODT has a vey high opinion of themselves indeed.  There’s nothing more “eminent” and “witty” than talking about how eminent and witty you are.     Desperate to live up to their self-awarded wittiness, the ODT then engaged Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...

Simple Recipes for Simple People: BLTs

Posted 8:44pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Lachie Robertson

BLTs are the Conrad Smith of feeds. Not underrated, because everyone froths them, but also not everyone’s first thought when it comes to the all-time greats. They’re fucking good though, the whole package really. Whether we’re talking flat dinners, hungover feeds or a 3 am Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Big Daddy

Posted 8:41pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In all honesty, I’ve been waiting to review this film merely because I love the thought of having “Adam Sandler” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. “Big Daddy” is shit. God, it’s such a terrible film. This film makes absolutely no fucking sense. Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Who Gnomes About Pussy Planet?

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Not far from the 24 hour dairy on George Street stands a large two storey weatherboard house that has been converted to a 7 bedroom flat. For many years it has had a name, possibly as long as a decade, but last year’s residents made what may be its very first sign. Of the more than 500 Read more...

Who the Fuck Even Was Stephen Hawking?

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Stephen Hawking died last week on the 14th of March 2018. He was arguably one of the most well-known scientists of the last half century. He was even something of a pop culture icon, with appearances in “The Simpsons,” “Futurama,” and more. Most white, male scientists are Read more...

Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar

Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | Advice on Sending It

Posted 8:26pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you are reading this thinking we’re about to deliver some absolute pearlers on how to be the most productive you you’ve ever been, you’re about to be more disappointed than hearing certain presidential election results. To be utterly frank, we operate purely off mantras. Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Drake and Josh

Posted 8:19pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Drake I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 04

Posted 10:55pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

John Lennon and George Harrison once got a bus across Liverpool to visit a man who could teach them the chord B7. In the late Middle Ages, books were so valuable that libraries would chain them to the bookcase. This was widely practiced until the 18th century. Ladybird sex sessions can last Read more...

14 Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Post Malone

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Post Malone translates in Latin as “after-dinner mints” Post Malone is named after Posts Malone, a fencing company in Malone, Florida A “Malone” is a male lone Post Malone and Childish Gambino are actually Siamese twins Post Malone is the only person to ever be 77 Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Smoked Some Weed and Told Ghost Stories

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we jump right into the high-octane world of the ODT’s opinion section. Riveting, absolutely riveting.     Next, I imagine the ODT gazing out of a window running aesthetically with rain while Bic Runga plays in the background, pondering the muses Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 04

Posted 10:11pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Lecturer Tells IT Person to Get Fucked He’s had it. After ten years of computers, OHPs and sound systems not working in lectures, a brave lecturer has finally told a patronising member of the IT support staff to get fucked. Students in the first year class couldn’t believe what Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Happy Gilmore

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We are literally only four weeks into this column and I must admit, I’m starting to feel defeated. I genuinely do not understand him. Half of me believes that he is the greatest mastermind of all time, producing the same slightly altered content to rake in the money, and the other half Read more...

Critic Food Review | Cadbury Creme Egg

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Many believe that the art of painting hard boiled eggs in spring time was a pagan ritual that represented new life, fertility and rebirth. Many others believe that Christians stole the ritual, rebranded it and related it to the resurrection of Christ. Others suspect, thanks to da Vinci’s Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Signs of Sex

Posted 9:29pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

There is a prevalent sexual theme running through the history of Dunedin’s named flats, though on analysis it is a minority. No doubt the thematic vein of possibilities has not been thoroughly mined. The sexual references in flat names tend broadly to people’s bits, things related to Read more...

Hi, Dr Nick | The Love Hormone?

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland; a hormone-producing gland that is located at the base of the brain. In recent years it has been referred to as the “love” hormone, the “cuddle” hormone, and just about everything else positive under Read more...

Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”

Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...

The Definitive Guide to Talking About The Sex That You Or Other People Are Having

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Here’s the thing with sex – like most things you will do in your life, it’s going to be good, it’s going to be bad, and it will often seem like a good idea when you’re drunk. But, just like getting sex advice from your well-meaning father, you don’t need to always Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Nakia and T'Challa

Posted 9:16pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Nakia I’ve heard some tragic stories about these blind dates, but what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? After months of good old peer pressure from the girls, I thought I’d spice up my life and finally gave in. I made quite the entrance when my friend dropped me Read more...

Is this the ODT's worst ever headline pun?

Posted 11:41am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT have tried to force a pun even worse than usual, Ah yes, because “brass” was used to indicate coinage in the Victorian era, and caulis (the commonly used abbreviation of cauliflower) are becoming more expensive, and cauliflowers are brassicas. It writes Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 03

Posted 11:11am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Critic

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was Read more...

A weekly review of every single bloody Adam Sandler film: Pixels

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

“OK guys, hear me out. How ‘bout we make a film in which there’s a video game tournament, and we put footage of it in a time capsule. But then aliens find the footage, think we want to one outs them at the back of Maccas, and attack Earth in the guise of video game characters. And Read more...

What's up with Otago students and stealing road signs?

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Who hasn’t stolen a road sign or a road cone, or created a collection of “No Stopping” signs in the corner of their lounge? Flat signs are often made of found materials. Let’s face it, budgets are tight and recycling is a good practice to foster. In the past, signs have Read more...

Dr Mike | Sex and STIs

Posted 5:14pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Mike Peebles

University has begun, which for many people means more procrastinating, more drinking, and more fucking. For others, it means getting back to Elim Church and trying to be wholesome in New Zealand’s city of sin. The combination of drinking and fucking massively increases the risk of three Read more...

Stop Pretending You Like Guiness

Posted 5:10pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Guinness is a fucking scam and you’re only drinking it because you think stomaching it makes you look like a tough cunt one day of the year. Don’t kid yourself – it takes a fucking hour to drink a pint and it’s way too weak to get you on a decent level. Trying to get Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Bazza and Shazza

Posted 5:08pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Bazza I applied for the Critic blind date one night when I was Read more...

Auntie Kell and Mumma Zo | Advice on Getting out of Dunedin

Posted 5:03pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

It is generally advisable not to sleep with someone solely so you can get them to take you out of the city (like my mother did), or out of the country (like Kelly’s mother did). This could leave you with a child in an unknown part of the world. Choice. Hitch-hiking is a possibility, our Read more...

Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna

Posted 5:01pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by David Emanuel

Sealord Canned Tuna is a very polarising substance. At 15 grams of protein, it’s the go-to protein source for beef-cake gym junkies who are poor, and people who claim to be vegetarian, “except when I’m pissed, hungover or stoned bro”. Honestly, if you’re not one of Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 02

Posted 6:04pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic

Students demand more construction on campus The student body has turned out en masse to protest the state of the University’s infrastructure, demanding widespread construction works start immediately.  “The buildings are an absolute fucking mess,” one protestor stated. Read more...

Food Reviews | The 99c Couplands Mince and Vege Pie

Posted 4:38pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

The Couplands (Coop-Lands, not Cope-Lands you fucking cretin) 99c pie is a student’s lifeline. It is the final swipe on tinder before you run out, the eyeroll that the lecturer gives you while you plead your shitty case for another week’s extension on your assignment, the IV drip Read more...

Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium

Posted 4:34pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Released in the early 2000s, Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium. I would go so far as to say that it is one of Sandler’s most underappreciated films, as it gives us a glimpse into his personality. The film’s premise is that the Devil decides not to retire, and two Read more...

The Flat Names Project | The Debacle

Posted 4:33pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

  The arrival of students at the beginning of each academic year brings a frisson of excitement to the city, which used to culminate in a toga parade so that, as former OUSA general manager told the ODT, “the community and students could meet and greet each other in a colourful Read more...

Dr Mike | Evolution

Posted 4:31pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Mike Peebles

Evolution. If there’s something that gets Christians going more than pre-marital sex, it’s this bad boy. Evolution is the novel idea that the world is incredibly old (several billion years in fact), and that modern life has slowly developed, rather than spontaneously appearing 6000 years Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Steinlager

Posted 4:29pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Go into any country pub in New Zealand, and look behind the counter. You will find three standard beers that won’t ever change: Speight’s, Tui, and DB Draught. Brown bottle beers that are about as exciting as visiting Gore or your grandparents for the weekend. Then a sparkle hits your Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Coke and Bourbon

Posted 4:26pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Coke After getting my whole flat to pamper me while I knocked back Read more...

Advice on Advising | The Phresher Phlu

Posted 4:24pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Disclaimer: In no way do we support being ill and partying O-week and the first week of lectures have been and gone. This means that all of us attempting to avoid the phresher phlu have now well and truly intermingled. The biggest problem with phresher phlu is that despite O-week being over, Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 01

Posted 4:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic

Albany Cafe to start adding coffee to their coffees In a bold move, Albany Cafe has announced a radical change to the recipe of their brown coffee-style caffeinated liquid, which will for the first time incorporate authentic ground-up coffee beans, grown from actual trees. “It was a bit of Read more...

Editorial : Why This Is the Only Time You Will See the Words ‘Donald Trump’ in Critic This Year.

Posted 4:17pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Joel MacManus

This year, Critic will not be using the first or last name of the current US President. Being a student magazine focused on the University of Otago and Scarfie life in Dunedin, we don’t cover a whole lot of international news, but the influence of American politics has a way of infecting Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | 50 First Dates

Posted 3:56pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Adam Sandler – quite possibly the most fascinating person of our generation. You see, Adam Sandler is an enigma. He literally floats his way through life churning out subpar films. It doesn’t matter if you love or loath the Sandman; as long as you recognize his face and his stupid smug Read more...

Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages

Posted 3:53pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by David Emanuel

Hellers pre-cooked sausages are the antithesis of vegetarianism. Not only are they a meat product, which seems to be a no-go for 90% of whingeing lefties these days, but they are made of pork, lamb, beef and chicken. So unlike that Night n’ Day beef-mince pie you do the demolition job on at Read more...

Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand

Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project: The Influence of J.K Rowling

Posted 3:46pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

The Harry Potter series shattered literary and film-making records. One record that is sure to be unique is the influence it’s had on the naming of student flats. Here in Dunedin there are  a number of flats with names influenced by Rowling’s world. The first Potter-inspired flat Read more...

Advice on How to Give Advice: O-week

Posted 3:42pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

  O-week is a time when lots of advice is given and received. Here is some advice on how to give advice during O-week. The best thing about O-week is that you don't really need to go to lectures unless you're in Carrington, in which case we definitely advise you to go, that's Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Betty and Archie

Posted 3:01pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic

BETTY My date was already there when I walked in, so it was up to me to set the scene for introductions and, slightly flustered, I went in hot with the hug. TOP TIP though, remember their name – because I did not. And by the time I realised, I was way too far in to ask the poor boy Read more...

Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...

Science Tank | Jet Debt

Posted 1:34pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Jet lag arises due to a disturbance of your body’s internal clock, which drives your circadian rhythms. Known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, this ‘master clock’ processes light information from your retinas and tells the pineal gland what’s happening, so that it can Read more...

Lucky in Love | Toyota Hilux & Mitsubishi Lancer

Posted 1:26pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Toyota Hilux I never wanted to sign up for this, but I eventually gave in to the constant Read more...

Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever

Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26

Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Penis

Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well.   Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...

Editorial | I Can’t E-Van

Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter

On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...

Science Tank | Hear, Hear

Posted 1:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

As someone who hosts a weekly radio show, I was initially excited at the prospect of hearing my own voice in recording. I thought I was a pretty amazing radio presenter and that I sounded like milk, honey and cocaine all in one. Boy, how jarring it was to hear my screechy bagpipe of a wheeze Read more...

Lucky in Love | Beverley & Stuttering Bill

Posted 12:57pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Beverley The night began encouragingly with my friends telling me that my hair in the wind made me look like Pennywise from It. On that note, they dropped me off at the Bog. I walked in and started chatting to the bar staff, discovering they have seen many an interesting night go down. Hoping my Read more...

The Hell Hole | The Nightmare

Posted 12:47pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joel MacManus

I joined the Young Nats to stop this nightmare. I waved placards at cars, I knocked on doors, I spammed my friends on Facebook until they all blocked me. It wasn’t enough. The day after the election, Dear Leader Jacinda took her oath of office. The red curtain fell. Taxes were raised to Read more...

Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand

Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Could Tu-Not?

Posted 12:24pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, There’s this guy who eats tuna in the main library every day I am studying in there. It stinks and really distracts me from studying. I can’t stand it! Library studier   Ethel says The library works hard to provide an environment which is Read more...

Sage Advice | Exams: A Journey into Hades, Examined by the Beast

Posted 12:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” - Florence Nightingale   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I’m shitting bricks about exams. What are some tips on how to do well in an exam?” Thank you for the question. There is an old saying Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Water

Posted 11:00am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Things that wouldn’t exist without water: Umbrellas, plumbing, teapots, straws, flippers, periscopes, gutters, islands, sprinklers, water slides, urinals, water fights, water balloons, lifeguards, beaches, icebergs, flippers, saunas, aqueducts, washing powder, surf boards, ice Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 10:11am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we would like to devote all our space (and most of the Facts and Figures space as well) to addressing the ODT’s cryptic and eye catching post-election image. Interestingly, the ODT decided to avoid any specific reference to Game of Thrones in the picture; presumably to throw Read more...

Editorial | Coalition Negotiations Aside, We Must Not Forget the Important Issues of the Election

Posted 9:20am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joe Higham

What the (provisional) election results reveal, apart from the fact that very few people seem to understand how the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting system works, is that much of New Zealand remains uncomfortable confronting the severity, or even the existence in some cases, of the problems we Read more...

Science Tank | RIP Cassini

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

A planet named after the Roman god of time, renewal and liberation seems a fitting final resting place for our lovely friend Cassini-Huygens, whose life was spent furthering astronomical knowledge and the liberation of truth from a far-flung part of our small star system in this abyssal ocean of Read more...

Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...

Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...

The Hell Hole | Worm

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon

There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...

Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh

Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale

This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Issue 24

Posted 12:49pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Penicillin (1/5)  Helps people live longer and prolong the misery of existence. Also, misleadingly does not contain pencils.   Sex (1.5/5) Too much tiring effort.   The Wheel (3.5/5) Rolls pretty well. Not much use for other things.   Boats Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Student allowances and living costs

Posted 11:31am Sunday 24th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse National is committed to supporting students with the costs associated with tertiary study. A tertiary education is a major investment, not just for you as students, but for New Zealand as a country. New Zealand has one of the most generous student support systems in the Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 11:16am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Good morning, ODT. That’s lovely ODT. Well done.   This week the ODT has decided to start a column on how hard different South Island towns are. Next week, Greymouth goes the gym, drinks whatever alcohol Swilliam is reviewing, and then beats someone Read more...

Editorial | Podcasts

Posted 10:30am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lucy Hunter

After all the complaints we received about last week’s editorial, I’d like to say at the outset that this editorial represents the views of Critic, Radio One, everybody at OUSA, the university staff, and the entire student population of Dunedin. By reading this, you must agree with Read more...

Sage Advice | Politics

Posted 2:37pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Be prepared, there is a small chance that our horrendous leadership could unknowingly lead us into World War III.” - Donald J. Trump, @realDonaldTrump “Tweets on Winston Peters NZ Politician” - Winston Peters, @winstonpeters   It’s that time again, Read more...

Lucky in Love | The Macarena & I’m Blue

Posted 2:34pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   The Macarena After ceremonially downing three gin and tonics at my flat I found myself sat in Read more...

Science Tank | Einstein

Posted 2:29pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.” - Albert Einstein   This guy kind of needs no introduction but, while most people know that he Read more...

No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB

Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Small Town Tosser Poison recipe

Posted 1:44pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and I think I love him. But last weekend my best friend told me that she saw him in Dunedin kissing another girl at a party when he was meant to be out of town with his friends. I believe her, she is one of my best friends. When Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Metareviews

Posted 12:58pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

0/5 Metareviews are reviews about reviews and they suck. Their primary purpose is to painfully expose that what the reader is reading has been constructed by someone. Theoretically there is a point behind being meta; someone can try to expose that their own work is constructed in order to make Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 18-24)

Posted 12:52pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

The line-up of wonderful celebratory days this week is something worth celebrating in itself!   Monday 18 September – Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day Sometimes there’s really no better way of expressing your feelings than how they are already written in a greeting card. Read more...

ODT Watch | Wedding Edition

Posted 11:29am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we journey hand-in-hand into the wonder that is the ODT Wedding Guide. Hell, yes!   No matter what you do, do NOT let any women speak at your wedding They’ll only gossip, nag, and tell everybody that they don’t want to be there and are being sold by Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Housing

Posted 11:14am Sunday 17th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse Buying a home is often the single biggest purchase a person makes in their lifetime and National is committed to working hard to ensure more New Zealanders are able to own their own home. The most difficult hurdle to overcome for first home buyers is pulling together the Read more...

Editorial | Critic’s View on the General Election: Labour Is the Option For Us

Posted 10:23am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

Disclaimer: This endorsement is the view of Critic Magazine and was in no way solicited by the Labour Party or any person affiliated with it. It represents the editorial views of the magazine and no one else. At the outset of this editorial, we admit that endorsements of political parties are an Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 11-17)

Posted 2:07pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Critic

​ Did you know that September is Happy Cat Month? A cause for celebration if ever there was one!   Monday 11 September – No News is Good News Day With all this stressful news of war and climate change and Trump and the general election (please vote), it’s important Read more...

Lucky in Love | Bill & Jacinda

Posted 1:53pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Bill I was filled with optimism when I found out that I was accepted to do the blind date. I Read more...

Fluoride is Fine and We Can't Believe That Has to Be Said

Posted 1:39pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Conspiratorial people love to claim that the government adds fluoride to water and toothpaste in some dastardly plan to make us all sleepy slaves, helpless to resist their evil bidding. The truth, however, is far less scandalous and far more reassuring - fluoride is your friend, my friend, and Read more...

Sage Advice | How to Be a Failure but Still Swag Doe

Posted 1:30pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

This week’s question comes from another loyal reader: “How can I cope with failure?” Thanks for another great question. The word ‘failure’ is such a loaded term. It carries a lot of negative and unnecessary connotations. I prefer phrases that I’ve invented, Read more...

Cody’s Is A Court Case In A Can

Posted 1:24pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cody’s: the official drink of obnoxious 12 year-olds getting drunk in skate parks everywhere. This has been by far the most requested drink review. These reviews are not just shit chat spun out of nowhere; they’re an intensive process. We start with a blind taste test to pick up the Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Facing a Void of the Unknown

Posted 1:19pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, I am graduating at the end of this year and I have no idea what I really want to do. I have some ideas, like doing a PGdip or working for a year and then doing some post grad, but mostly I am really confused about what’s the right thing to choose and don’t want to Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Pangolins

Posted 12:20pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

3/5 Majestic creatures of the highest rank. Hard to draw. ​   Admonishments to Chelle Fitzgerald for the silly face. There is no room for amusement in this column. Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 22

Posted 11:22am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on perhaps the best story ever. Yip, it’s a father-son fashion competition. Unfortunately, they provided a picture of a group of winners. Wow, three people wearing caps and sunglasses. What co-ordination, what elegance, what subtle Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Is the New Zealand Health Care System “the Envy of the World”?

Posted 11:10am Sunday 10th September 2017 by David Clark

David Clark The government recently told cancer sector leaders that our healthcare system is “the envy of the World”. That comment has been roundly criticised. Australians are able to access new and innovative medicines, while New Zealanders are not. They know that our cancer Read more...

Editorial | OUSA Finds Itself At a Crossroads, and It’s Down to You to Decide the Route

Posted 10:25am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Joe Higham

During the OUSA Executive Election Forums that were held last week there emerged a clear division in the ideological outlook and approach held by the candidates in the hope of bringing about institutional change. That division was between those intent on working with the university to bring about Read more...