The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.
If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz
Coke
After getting my whole flat to pamper me while I knocked back a good few cruisers (because I’m a basic white girl through and through), I waltzed into the Dog With Two Tails (fashionably late) to find my date politely seated at a small candlelit table for two.
He was a third year and studied computer science, but he assured me he was cool.
To be honest, he was essentially all you could ask for in a blind date: good chat, thorough meme knowledge, and he let me eat his fries. We spent most of the time sharing shenanigans from our first years in university.
Upon reflection, I realise I spent most of the night hurtling tragic, semi-entertaining, but self-deprecating stories towards him, and the guy had to fight tooth and nail to get a sentence in edgewise.
His only faults were being impeccably sweet, to the point where I was sickened by how abrasive I must have seemed in comparison, and his poor taste in meal choice, a bacon cheeseburger. I think he knew it too, because he didn’t even take a bite out of it, just ransacked the bacon.
My choice of meal was a sexy, cheesy black bean dip, that I promise you was probably the best thing ever. We sipped our way through two rum and cokes and a glass of smoky whiskey, which gave me flashbacks to a rough experience I had with a bottle of Jim Beam in Gore when I was 14. But I pushed through the trauma and polished the evening off by sharing a glass of rosé.
After leaving the restaurant we meandered through the city. Being a lively Thursday, we ended up on Hyde Street, where we unfortunately parted ways, but not before a cheeky pash. Cheers to my date, you’re a great guy. Thanks to the Dog With Two Tails for some smooth jazz music and great food, and to Critic for managing to get me a date.
Bourbon
When Critic told me that they had found the girl of my dreams, I was naturally quite excited. I immediately went to Google and looked up some important questions, such as “what to wear to a blind date” and “how to talk to girls”.
I decided to ditch the iconic Huffer vest and Rodd & Gunn hat for something a bit classier. I was dressing to impress, so I needed to stand out. I put on my jacket and planted a big silver fuck off ring on my middle finger before heading out the door. I still sank some Billy Mavs first though lol.
I arrived at Dog With Two Tails with low expectations, but boy were they blown out of the fucking water. I heard my date before I saw her, and by her booming voice and Central Otago twang, I could tell she had good chat before she even sat down. She was well dressed and had a great smile, but I’ll admit wasn’t quite my type. Regardless, we started the night off well, getting a rum and coke each and moving past the ice-breaking stage almost immediately.
We talked about everything from our favourite memes to who had better chat (we couldn’t agree on a winner there). She told me tales about sniffing petrol in a barn during her younger years as a means of getting high. This actually explained a lot. We polished off another rum and coke, sipped some whiskey, and shared a rosé before being dragged along to Hyde Street.
She took me to one of her mate’s parties, where her friend whispered to me in a drunken stupor that my date was interested. Barely being able to stand at this point, I knew that she was likely in a similar state and that I probably wouldn’t even be able to get it up. So I thanked her for a good night and went on my way. She grabbed my face and planted a kiss on me first though; nice.
All in all, a great experience and would definitely recommend it! Thanks, Critic and Dog With Two Tails.