Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages

Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages

Hellers pre-cooked sausages are the antithesis of vegetarianism. Not only are they a meat product, which seems to be a no-go for 90% of whingeing lefties these days, but they are made of pork, lamb, beef and chicken. So unlike that Night n’ Day beef-mince pie you do the demolition job on at 3am on a Sunday morning, four entire animals have been murdered to bring you this sausage.

Trying to figure out what’s in them from simply eating one is like trying to figure out what noise the animal in your Chinese food made when it was alive: did it moo, cluck, baa, meow, or woof?

When the Hellers pre-cook was introduced into the market in the early 19th century, the mortality rate in all-boys student flats in Dunedin went down by almost 90%. This is mainly due to the fact that the chance of getting food poisoning from their consumption is on par with the chance of a BA student getting a job.

Not only are they pre-cooked, they're so packed with shit that isn't meat that there's almost nothing left to give you food poisoning. These bad boys are only 66% meat!

To get to the bottom of what is in the other 34% a Royal Commission of Inquiry was formed by the government in 1975.

Sadly they all mysteriously died in car crashes before they could publish one of New Zealand's most closely guarded secrets. Various intelligence leaks since then have revealed that the 34% definitely contains: plutonium (New Zealand wasn't nuclear free in the early 19th century) tears, the contents of Salvation Army clothing bins, and a non-lethal spattering of hepatitis.

Make of that what you will. But the fact remains that they are an essential component in any Scarfie meal due to their versatility, and their ability to be eaten at sub-zero temperatures (another perk of their pre-cookedness). Honestly, you would need to have the cooking ability of the average American to fuck them up.

In terms of flavour, the salt from the tears adds umami, which is a posh way of saying salt. Apart from that they basically take on whatever you cook them with. So a can of tomatoes, or blood if there's a full moon.

Taste Rating: Tastes like how a booze poo feels – satisfying as fuck.

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2018.
Posted 3:53pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by David Emanuel.